Ripples

I am thinking about the ripples of my life tonight...how everything you do and think and feel has an affect on you and all those around you. In the innocence of this beautiful child are ripples that reach to eternity. They start with just a touch and spread out, making circles of love that go on forever.Can you feel it? I am so grateful that life goes on forever and that images such as these and the ones that follow will forver be in my heart and mind. Thank you Heavenly Father. I love you.

So Much Love

Kenzie --A gift...JuJu- Joy in the morning

A Heart Ache

I made it home today. It was so nice to have that extra week. We got most of the laundry room done, and it looks so nice. Chay just needs to build some shelves for food storage now.
April has this unique power to hope for something and then she receives it. She wanted cabinets for her laundry room, so she prayed and got free cabinets given to her. We painted them all and they look great. She hoped for a piano and we found her a really nice one free. Last night she heard from a woman who has a wooden fence, only a few years old in great condition, and they can have it free if they take it down. It is so cool to watch, as she pays her tithing and trusts God how he blesses her and her family.

Last night, we had family prayer downstairs where I always sleep when I go to her home. I was crying when they all came down, knowing how much I will miss them. McKenzie was concerned to see grandma cry. She asked me if I was sick. I told her "Yes, I have cancer, but that is not why I am crying. I am crying because my heart hurts because tomorrow i go back home on the airplane and I don't know when I will see you again." She patted my back and then left the room for a few minutes only to come back with a hat that I gave her over a year ago when I visited her home after having chemo. I wore that hat most of the time because I didn't have any hair, and when I left to fly home, I gave her the hat and asked that she not forget me. So, last night, with the hat in her hand she told me in unspoken words that she will never forget me, as she clutched the hat I had given her. April called tonight and said Mckenzie had asked about me all day. I sobbed and sobbed. She is so close to my heart. It is so hard to have her live so far away. The only advantage is that when I go to see April I have quality time with my grandkids and really feel like I get to know them. The grandkids that live near home come over for Sunday dinners and such, but we never seem to get together to just enjoy one another, except when we go camping. Anyway, I cried quite a bit today, and my heart still aches for two little girls. I would love to see my other grandkids real soon.

Long Time Friend

I am struggling with a problem that I don't have a clue what to do about, except to just let it go...which has never been my style. I had a friend that I corresponded via email for almost 6 years, and now that person will not receive email from me. It was wonderful to renew our childhood friendship. He actually helped me to sort out much of the abuse I endured as a child. I was under the impression I had helped him some, too. I had several spiritual experiences that made me feel certain that I was to share the gospel with him...but all of a sudden he up and closed the door without warning.

I don't understand. I am grateful, though, we had the time to talk to one another, and I hope he knows he was a great strength in building my realtionship with my husband and my brothers and sisters. I am still in Utah, and had a nice visit with my sister yesterday which would have never happened 6 years ago. Life is interesting. Heavenly Father brings people and experiences into our lives when we need to grow to become more like him. So to my friend...I will always be thankful our lives crossed again after so long a silence. I hope I don't have to waint another 30 years to hear from you again! God Bless You Always!!

My Idol

I decided at the last minute to stay another week with April and chay and the girls. It was hard....I though I actually had until tomorrow to stay, but when I found out I was to go home today, it just seemed to0 short of a visit. It is hard to come and harder to leave. April and I did go to see Emma Smith (the movie) last night and it was so incredible. Most of the same actors are in the movie "Joseph Smith" playing in the Legacy theater right now. The movie was incredibly well done and I felt my heart just break for Emma and all that she suffered. I think every Latter-day Saint woman should see it.

I got to see my sister this morning. We had breakfast at IHOP. That is another reason I did not want to go home just yet. I hadn't seen her or Melody or Jeannie B.

I have felt pretty good this time around, only I still get very tired. It was hard to leave my hubby home for another week. This is my last trip down here without him. It is my last trip anywhere without him. I miss him with a huge ache in my heart. I understand more than ever before why Marriage is meant to be eternal. And watching that movie last night just confirmed it again for me. Have a good night 's sleep honey bunny !

And you know what else is just cool??? David Archeletta and Brook White are still going strong on American Idol!!!! Hurray!!!!!

My Week

It is Monday morning and I am watching JU JU while April gets paint and primer for the basement. We got it cleaned up and taped over the weekend. I am loving seeing the girls. Mckenzie is definitely in her twos...sometimes she couldn't be more precious, and then other times....oh boy, watch out!! I taught JuJu patty cake yesterday.

I went to a production put on by Weber State insitute where Dennis Winters danced and their choir sang. The entire program was patriotic in theme and it made me so proud to be an American. It was nice to see that while so many are trashing the country, these strong Latter Day saints were singing with all they had in them.

Yesterday we went to a farewell Sacrament meeting for one of Chay's cousins. It was wonderful. She was born death, and after her family came to Utah, she was able to get the help she needed. She spoke at her fairwell, and I was able to understand her. She was called to go on a sign language mission. The other guy who spoke talked about all the miracles he had witnessed when he was on a Tongon mission. Afterwards we went to Chay's uncle's home for goodies. I am so excited for April that she has such a terrific family so close by.

April and I are sneaking out tomorrow night to the movies. I am headed downstairs now to prime the laundry room. I am feeling pretty good this week, as long as I get 10 or so hours of sleep and an hour or so nap in the afternoon.

I'm Leaving on a Jet Plane

I m leaving in a few minutes to for SLC to see April and Chay and their cute baby girls. On Sunday i was having second thoughts, but this morning I woke up to snow again, and decided 75 degree weather sounded really nice I hope to help her with her laundry room/storage room. She got some cabinets given to her and she is painting them white. Chay is the handy man that hung them, and April says they look really great. I love that kind of stuff, and although I am a little more tired than I hoped I would be, it will be fun to help where I can. I wish Gary was going with me, but he said he would stay here and start the painting in the Master bath. Soon we will start the laundry room project. It will be so nice to have a mud room/laundry room that is bigger than a postage stamp!!!

The kids were all here Sunday night to celebrate my low tumor markers and to say goodbye as I will be gone a couple of weeks. I will try to take some pictures and post them while I am gone.Well...the plane is going to be here soon...better get going. I Love you guys!!! See you soon!!

My Son in-law

I am really thankful for Chay!!!!!!

Remember to Give Thanks

I am thankful for:

The Savior
My testimony
Prayer
The General Authorities
The last three days of sunshine
My wonderful husband
lifelong friends
New friends
My children
my grandchildren
My Cancer Doctor
Modern Medicine
My senses
Love
all of nature
gifts from God
the ability to work(I painted my bathroom this week...hurray)
sleep
kind words
forgiveness
good food
chocolate chip cookies
color
laughter
tears
sadness
joy
honesty
those you can rely on
Jeannie's model of service
our car
airplanes
my computer
the telephone
my home
the view from our front porch
the view from our deck
water
being pain free
hugging and being hugged
the success of my two sons in raising righteous families as priesthood holders
my daughter in-laws
flowers
animals
silent times of contemplation
household items that make life easier
my heating pad
feet that don't hurt
the ability to walk
camera's
pictures
Spring
my brothers and sisters
members of the church
the ability to make choices
the USA
Idaho
Newman Lake
I could probably go on for another hour or so. When I prayed tonight, the thought came to me to be thankful and to express it outloud. We are all so blessed. Thank you Heavenly Father

To Blog or not to Blog....

I haven't written in awhile...I have felt really good this week, and I painted my bathroom and have been looking for new things to decorate with. (Whoops, maybe I should be buying food storage...) That was not meant to be derogatory. I just needed a change after being cooped up this long, snowy winter.

I had really good news on Monday, when Dr. Nichols called to tell me my tumor markers were down to 16. I think normal is about 3 to 8 or something like that. Which means I am almost normal!!!!! hahahahaha!!! Okay, okay...so I will never really be normal.

I know that my last few entries have not been the most uplifting. For almost three weeks I felt yucky every day. I didn't know it, but I had a low grade infection. I do think it is harder to stay positive when you are battling an illness such as cancer to always stay cheerful. I read a quote that helped me:

"At . . . moments of crisis and challenge, some choose to abandon
faith just at the time when it most needs to be embraced. Prayer is ignored
at the very hour when it needs to be intensified. Virtue is carelessly
tossed aside when it needs to be cherished. God is forsaken in the
all-too-human yet mistaken fear that He has forsaken us.


"The truth is that our only safety, our only security, our only
hope is to hold fast to that which is good. As the mists of darkness gather
around us, we are only lost if we choose to let go of the iron rod, which
is the word of God."
(David S. Baxter

Your prayers are always appreciated, and I know I have lived this long because of your faith.

Someone told me that I say too much on my blog. I am just not savvy with the blog world, and think it is a waste of time if I cannot express honestly how I feel. I started this blog to track my feelings through this disease of cancer, thinking perhaps other people had struggles and were battling difficulties also. My hope and intent was to share with you the blessings of the disease and all that I have learned through the struggles, and to lift you... not to drag you down. But sometimes I get down. Maybe on those days, I should stay away from the computer!!!.

They come and they go

Apparently I offended a dear friend and they pulled out of my life without warning. I don't even know what I said or did, but they cut me off as though I were already dead. I just do not understand life sometimes...I try so hard never to offend or hurt. I sincerely try to love those around me. What is it that I do so wrong? Oh well....another one bites the dust!

Conference

Ol' Scratch tried really hard to keep us from conference this time. We woke up Saturday to three inches of new, wet snow and so our satellite didn't work. Same with Sunday morning. We got dressed up both days and headed for the Stake Center. Time was when we had to go three times as far for every conference. We would pack a lunch and either eat in the car or out by the gazebo in between sessions. Life has gotten so easy, that now we just roll out of bed and curl up by the TV. We did enjoy it, though, and it was sort of nice to go to the building and be there, especially for the Solemn Assembly and setting apart of the Prophet and 1st Presidency.
We also had a little misunderstanding here. Gary thought he had a date for the priesthood session and waited until 5 minutes before it was to start to realize they were not coming. He had been in his shirt and tie all day, and he really wanted to go. It was very sad for me when he got in his sweats and went out to his shop.

Now, some of you are thinking, "Why didn't he just go by himself?" You have to know how hard it is for him to do that. Someday, I am sure he will be able to, but it took him 28 years to be active in the church, and there are so many things that are just difficult for him to do by himself. I think of the Prophets telling us that everyone needs a friend. I broke down and just sobbed for him after he went outside.I worry what will happen to him when I am gone. He has been such an incredible companion to me through all of my cancer problems, has taken a calling lately and really did a good job, and is always giving to those around him. Well, it is over and I just need to forgive and move on. Maybe next conference. One of my son's, when he found out what had happened, promised that it would never happen again. In defense of the perpetrator, his life is extremely busy, and he was serving his own son by taking him to conference and then out to dinner, and apparently just forgot.

I went to the see my doctor yesterday. She took me off chemo, as it has split both of my feet so bad I can hardly walk, plus it is making my toenails fall off. I want to go to April's next week but now I am not sure if I can go or not. I am going to call Joni and ask her about having the nails surgically removed today or tomorrow, but I don't know how painful that will be or for how long. The cracks were doing much better yesterday, but I decided to finish up the painting in the bathroom and I think I was on my feet too long, because they hurt like heck this morning. On the bright side, my tumor markers are still down and my body is still responding well to treatment for the most part. I get to be off everything for about a month...all the chemo stuff, so I am really looking forward to feeling better. Thanks for being a sounding board...it really helps to be able to talk things out sometimes.

Publishing time

Can someone tell me how i can get this blog published so that i can close it out?

Painting

Only this time it is my bathroom. Trust me...it is much easier to pick up a brush and paint a tree!! The bathroom has close to 20 feet ceilings in the skylight. We have had to borrow ladders, Bryon and Taylor just to get that part done. I thought I'd be real brave today and start getting all the corners , and after about 10 minutes, I was just wiped out. If I kick this cancer, and I feel that I might, I wonder if I will ever gain any of my strength back??? Anyway I am doing the bathroom in 3 tones of blue....and then it is on to my bedroom. I want to at least have the bathroom done before I head for SLC the middle of the month. We are changing out the fixtures and making it a huge project....but it has been 15 years since we have done anything in there. Ticket prices to SLC and back are really good right now and little JU JU is growing so fast....trying to catch up with her big sister....I just don't want to miss any of it!!!

I have 3 1/2 days left on this chemo, and I can not tell you how happy that makes me. All I want to do is sleep and cry. The Doc said if the markers are still down, that she'd give me a months break. I have decided that if they are back up, I am done, so we will see. I got a phone call from Barbara and another one from Linda, and yet another one from Valjean. It has been wonderful to hear from my family so much.

I think spring is finally trying to break through. I will need to hire help with the planting, but I am so excited that I lived another year to get petunias in the ground. April wants to plant flowers , and Linda knows a lot about them. She said she would go help April. Well not much else is new around here...I just think it is important to keep planning and doing. Joette is house-sitting a mansion that overlooks the Hayden/Dalton area and she had me come up last night. She made me a gourmet Indian dinner and we watched "August Rush". It was wonderful, and I had the best time. I might sneak back up there and take a shower in their incredible 4 or 5 head shower. I recommend "Enchantment', August Rush, the Martian Child, and 'Simon Birch" for you home video addicts. Great flicks! Have a good week!!!