Guess What?

A great man

Last night I woke up around 3:00AM. I was really in pain with my cracked feet. It is caused from the new chemo I am on, and you cannot believe how much something so little can hurt. Anyway, my honey bunny was so sweet to me. We talked a little about my pending death and rather or not I would make it to Orlando. I begged him to go even if I cannot. Then I asked him if he would give me a blessing of comfort. It is always hard for him to assist in blessings, let alone give them. I don't know if this was irreverent or not, but I just asked him to lay next to me and put his hand on my head and give me a blessing. It was so tender...this man who used to be so callused and far from the spirit ...reaching out and in just above a whisper asking the Lord to help my feet and hands to heal, asking that I might be able to sleep and that I would know what to do about this chemo; if I should continue with it or not. He also asked Heavenly Father to please keep me well enough to go to Orlando. Then we just held each other and he let me cry awhile. This morning it was him and not me that suggested we read the scriptures together. That is the first time in my life he has asked to read the scriptures together.

Sometimes I question why I have to go through cancer, and then I see the growth my husband has made, and the increasing love in our marriage and I am okay with it. I am so thankful for my husband's love and concern. God bless this great man.

What comfort this sweet sentence gives...

"Each of us will have our own Fridays--those days when the
universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered
about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems
we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays.


"But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered
death--Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday
will come.

"No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday
will come. In this life or in the next, Sunday will come.

"I
testify to you that the Resurrection is not a fable. We have the personal
testimonies of those who saw Him. Thousands in the Old and New Worlds
witnessed the risen Savior. They felt the wounds in His hands, feet, and
side. They shed tears of unrestrained joy as they embraced Him."

(Joseph B. Wirthlin, "Sunday Will Come," Ensign, Nov. 2006, 30)

O Divine Redeemer

It was nice to have a call from Sherry today. She let me cry, and cry, and cry. It is good to have friends that have known you all your life and they also know that I haven't always been this much of a basket case....right Sherry? ...right?

Today I told my Laurel class how serious the cancer has become and that I don't have a lot of time left. It was hard, but because the lesson was on drawing closer to the Savior, I felt it appropriate...as I am seeking his presence in a way I have never done before.

I have had wonderful visits from friends this week...April Payne came to see me... she lifted my soul. Sandy spent a day with me running me around...(she lets me cry, too). She taught me to let go of a problem I have been worried about and let God take care of it. Pat has been helping me type my life story and she is coming tomorrow to help me some more. I love her like a sister! We took Keith to Olive Garden and he helped get all the rest of the arrangements ready for our trip into warm country. I got a long call from Virginia and I loved it so much. I am so thankful for friends!!! April talks to me and helps me realize that the family will survive when I am gone and Joette rubs my feet almost daily. Gary has been such a jewel, and if he slips, I am so dang emotional, I think I scare him to death because I cry at the tiniest raise in the tone of his voice.

Tuesday, weather allowing, I am taking Isaac to another friends home and he is going to let Isaac get on his horses and take him for a little ride. I was invited to come along, but with my back being in the shape it is in, I decided it is best if I just brush the horses and smell them. Does everyone agree that nothing smells as good as a horse???

It is freezing cold here, and the driveway keeps drifting shut. I like the idea of just snuggling
up by the fireplace and staying warm. When I was teaching my lesson today one of the questions was "Would you know the Savior if he walked in this room right now?" I thought about that quite a bit before giving the lesson. Would you know the Savior if he were to come to your door? The answer I came up with...or answers, were, " I know the Savior by watching and drawing close to all those who do Christlike acts of service. I would also know the Savior by the way He would make me feel...His warmth and love would shine through and warm my heart! So even though I have never seen Him, (and their are plenty of people that have), I would have to say I know what it feels like to feel His presence because of all the many answers to prayers I have had over the years. I feel it is more important than ever for me to draw even closer to him every day.
I am not sure how, except to share everything with Him in prayer. O Divine Redeemer!!!

A new Day filled with choice choices.

A new day. I appreciate new days more that ever! I stayed up the other night and got a lot of my life history done. I have also had quite a few phone calls from long lost friends. I do know, with out a shadow of doubt, that God answers prayers. This new chemo has kind of messed me up emotionally, and I cry practically around the clock, but the other day, in the middle of a crying jag, my home teacher knocked on the door and said he felt like he needed to stop by and just visit for awhile. He said some things to me that i really needed to hear. He asked me what I was afraid of, and I said..."not dieing, really....I am afraid of the pain. He owns an assisted living complex, and he explained that when the time comes, I will have no pain, or very minimal. I also told him I was heartsick for my kids, especially a couple of them that I think will have a rough time. He pointed out how strong my children were. We reviewed my patriarchal blessing and he said I had overthrown many of the ills that plague mankind and that I had lived to see my children and grandchildren become strong in the gospel. The next day in the waiting room for radiation I overheard two older men talking about dieing, and that we all have to go sometime and that this was as good as any they guessed. I started thinking about that, and realized how much I have been able to accomplish knowing this was coming...the memories I have been able to make. and share. It really helped my attitude!!! Another cool thing is our trip to Orlando. I need everyone to pray with me that I will have the time to go and that I will feel half way decent for the family. We have planned some great things, and I am thankful for Keith, as he more or less has taken over and put the whole thing together for us. I spend every day in the doc's office and working on other projects so I rarely have the time...I also made such a stupid mistake the last time I planned a trip...I actually had my return flight booked for the same day I was leaving for SLC. Here is a plug for Southwest...when I told them what I had done, trying to hold back the tears, they just charged me $22.00 for the difference in cost of the ticket, and let me fly home on the day I meant to go home. Yeah SW!!!!!! Now if our prescription company could be half as cooperative, life would just be hunky dory!! Well, I will keep you posted about the trip. I am so thankful that gary has agreed to pay for everything...as the kids are all pretty broke right now ..just after Christmas. I told him that this was our gift to them, one that I hope will last a lifetime. I am done with radiation today. I am so glad! it just saps the strength right out of a person. It will be a wondrous day when they can cure or stop cancer without all of this barbaric stuff they do to other humans. I don't know how people can make this their lifeelong profession, but, I guess I am glad someone does so that i can have a few more months to love. Love....that is the key to keeping me going each and every day. Look for ways to love and serve, even if all you can do is embrace a hand or smile. Ask Heavenly Father to show you the best way you can serve. I know He let my home teacher know just what to say and do. We can all be instruments in His hands.

If wishes were horses, we'd all ride.

Well, the other day I was talking to a friend and we were talking about fulfilling our lifetime dreams, and I DECIDED I HAD TWO DREAMS...ONE TO TAKE MY ENTIRE FAMILY TO DISNEY WORLD AND THE OTHER WAS TO GO TO MAUI. THE CONVERSATION KEPT GOING UNTIL SHE HAD Me TOTALLY CONVINCED WE COULD SOMEHOW GO AS A FAMILY TO ORLANDO...AND NOW, TWO DAYS LATER , MOST OF THE PLANS ARE MADE AND WE ARE REALLY GOING TO DO THIS. i CAN HARDLY WAIT TO SEE THE EXCITEMENT IN MY LITTLE GRANDDAUGHTERS EYES. AND THEN i THINK...IT IS NOT WHERE YOU GO OR WHAT YOU DO, It's IS IN THE LOVE WE ALL SHARE AND THE closeness THAT HOLDS US together. Still, I am so very excited to go!!!!All 16 of us!!! And things have pulled together with housing and financing so miraculously , I may still get my Maui trip out of this!!!

This is too important not to blog

Okay...I have to take time to get this news out. I was sent this information by a very good friend of mine who I trust explicitly, so I will put this on my blog.

"Just wanted you to know that I followed up on the assertion that Obama's
Church (Trinity Unitarian Christian Church - check out www.tucc.org) is a
militant racist organization and it is factual. The MD I work with is
married to a member of the secret service who has been assigned to guard
Obama since the threats on his life and he confirms that Obama attends
this church and that Obama and the pastor have been close friends for many
years."

Regardless of who you intend to vote for, you had better be more informed this year than ever before, and as the general authorities have asked us over and over again....we need to vote. "The only thing necessary for evil to take over is for good people to do nothing." Listen to the Leaders of the Church, do your homework, fast and pray and then vote for the right man in this race. Our country's future depends on you and who you vote for in the primaries and in the final election. Please register and get out there and do your part!!!!!!!!

I started this blog and then got interrupted, and like most things theses days did not get back to it. But I will say...I just don't have that much to say on my blog anymore that's of value and I think I am going to quit writing on it. I need to get my life story done and so many other things and I feel like I am running out of precious time. I will still comment on yours and read them, because I find them so entertaining and enjoy them so much. It is interesting to hear about how you are solving your own struggles and getting through life. But my blog just seems to be a downer and I don't know how to change and I am sure no one out there wants or needs to hear my petty problems in their lives

Goodbye

Trust

Not quite sure what I am to write about this morning...just know that I haven't written much of late. I ended my first round of my new chemo this week. I didn't do too bad...I just have a slit in my heal where the skin is drying out and it is really painful. They started radiation on my hip and both my arms Wednesday. The point is to keep the pain level down. I am back using my walker, except Gary ran over it!!! ( He was probably wishing I was using it at the time,hahaha!)

I talked to Dr. Fairbanks and he and the neurosurgeon pretty much decided to put treating my brain off for a couple of months. If the lesions in the brain start causing me a lot of problems, or the chemo starts working everywhere else in a remarkable way, then they will go ahead with the gamma radiation...but as for now it is a waiting game, and it does not look very good. Unless I get that miracle real soon, I will die...probably within 3 to 6 months...maybe sooner.

I was really saddened by the news last week of all the brain lesions, and one afternoon just after praying and crying, my home teacher stopped in. He usually plows our driveway out for us, and that's what I thought he was doing, but he said he had an impression to stop and see how I was really doing. I told him about the brain mets and that I was a little frightened...I also shared how I didn't understand any of this because my patriarchal blessing says I will have the health and strength to throw off the ills and sicknesses that prey upon mankind, and I had had a couple of blessings wherein I felt like I would be healed.

He asked me what I was afraid of? I told him that perhaps I had not done all that I could have while here on earth. I also told him I hated to leave my children and grandchildren. I also said that I didn't want to leave Joette unmarried or Gary, for that matter. He was very tender, and said that I had raised a good family, strong in the Gospel of Jesus Christ; that I had served well and strong. He could not sooth the questions about the blessings, but since he was here I have felt more at peace about all of this.

Last night I mentioned to a friend that I would like to go to Maui. She, in turn, has a friend with a timeshare there. It sounds grand, and maybe I will go...but depending on the time I have left, I think I would rather spend it with my family. The best would be if they could all come, too. Of course, none of us are in a position to pay for it. The hard thing would be that we get the condo and I pass it up because I want to see the most I can of my children, and then not be able to see them much anyway.

This weekend we have a general authority coming to restructure two stakes in the area. In my deepest desires, I wish I could have a blessing by him. I know that my humble home teacher has the power the general authority does, so the thought is silly, I guess. It is just hard because I have had these blessings that promise me life. So many of my blessings in my lifetime have panned out just as they were spoken to me. I have always put my trust in the priesthood...always... as I know it is the greatest power on earth, with God watching over each blessing.

Whatever is coming...it is meant to be. I must and will trust God.