Lists

I am not sure what I want to say or even how to say it. I am afraid that no matter what I say tonight it will judged a pity trip, especially by those least qualified to judge, and that is not what is intended here.

At least once a week I do have a mental melt down and life just gets hard. Tonight I got left off a list...sort of like I was already dead and I cannot believe how much it hurt me. You see, I have had this friend for at least twelve years or more and I considered her one of my dearest treasures...but ever since I got cancer, and the docs said it was fatal, she has slowly cut me out of her life. She does not call me, so I call her. She does not come to see me, so I go see her. A different friend asked me the other day to share with her what cancer has taught me....and I told her I didn't realize before I had cancer what a lonely disease it was. I told her not to be afraid of someone because they are dyeing because we all are. Now I am not sure if this is why I have been cut out of my friends life. Maybe I hurt her feelings and didn't know it. Maybe I said or did something that she felt was below me or below her. Maybe I hurt one of her children. I just know the special relationship we had is gone and it makes my heart sad.

A little over two years ago, I found out that Mary...down the hill from me, had her cancer come back. Mine was still in remission at the time. I went to see her a few times and she brought me a little house for my collection. On the day I found out my cancer was back I went to see her and when I knocked on her door, her husband told me to leave them alone, that they had just been told that there was nothing more that they could do for her and had given her 3 months to live.

I never went back to see her. I was afraid her husband would be angry with me or that her two big dogs might chase me up the hill, and I would not be able to move fast enough to get away from them. But I could have driven down to her house, or called her, or I could have told her husband where to go and that I was visiting her rather he liked it or not...but I didn't and she died. I didn't go because I didn't know what I could say to her.

I went to her funeral but it seemed like a hollow offering. Anyway...people, young and old, rich or poor, sick or well all need the same thing. They need to know they are of worth. Sometimes , my daughter, Joette, just rubs my feet and legs and says nothing. But it feels so good and is such a Christlike gesture that I weep knowing how much she cares.

I know of another woman who died this year of cancer. I have been told that she was the most upbeat person, and never once complained. Maybe that is my problem....I talk about cancer openly. I try not to whine, but if people ask, I explain where I am in the disease. And in the darkness of night...like now...when I am awake with all my concerns about my family and the hereafter....hoping I have been valiant enough...I do cry...and I don't think I am full of self pity. I think any normal person would cry. Most of my tears are me calling out to God to just be with me for one more night. And usually by the next day, I have felt His loving arms around me and I am back trying to accomplish something of worth...trying to live! When I am talking to a friend who I know really cares, sometimes I cry. (I can still laugh my head off, too though...and sometimes I do both in the same sentence).

I am mostly just talking to myself this night...I just wish I knew what happened to my friend. A really wonderful thing happened today, though....my sister, Barbara, called to thank me for coming to see her. It was just a short visit, but I am so glad I went. You see, I love her. I cannot do much, but I found a way to do that. Look at your list. Have you filled your life with so much unnecessary stuff that you've crowded someone who once was important out ? I did that to Mary, and I feel the regret every day. Just last week, Gary kept saying he should go see Ray, an old friend of his. Ray died Tuesday. Gary never made it over to see him. Thank you God for my life and all that I have learned and am learning. I feel better now..and I will feel even better after I have knelt in prayer and made sure You are at the top of my list!

The Birds

I am sitting here working on my life history...the sun is shining and the birds are chirping...even though we have at least two feet of snow on the ground. It really is a beautiful day.

Thank you, Father

It is late, but I really felt I needed to share my thoughts tonight. We had a family council and dinner tonight about the trip. It was mostly just a lot of fun ruckus, but we were all happy to be going. We were also very grateful that April has taken it on herself to be in charge of getting the food together and seeing that everyone has a chance to help out with meals. Thanks, April. Even though you are far away, we felt your influence and desire to help and we are really looking forward for our family trip.

I also want to bare my testimony again about the power of prayer. I was really bummed yesterday...I fell the day before and I had so much pain...anyway, I was not very pleasant to be around all day long. Then I read the lesson I had to teach the Laurels today, and forgive me, I got so blasted mad,I just lost it. The lesson was on bringing spirituality in your home by improving your environment and your spirituality. Here I am in the middle of a physical and mental breakdown and I have to teach WHAT?????

I said to God, "How can you ask me to teach something that I am so far away from right now?" I cried and cried and then read the lesson again, only this time I read another article that spoke about the influence a spiritual home can have on the entire family and the world around us. I decided to go to bed and face this struggle this morning. I could not sleep. I had so much pain.

Finally I woke up Gary and asked for a blessing. He got out of bed and walked around to my side of the bed with the light still off and gave me the sweetest blessing. I was promised a good night sleep and that my pain would let up. He did not know about my struggle with giving this lesson today, but he blessed me that all would go well with my lesson and that the spirit would be with me as I taught. When I got up this morning, as part of the lesson I was supposed to call a girl and ask her to bring something that represented spirituality in her home. A lot of the girls were gone today because there was a mission farewell in another ward. So, I thought (Oh me of such little faith...) Good, there won't be too many girls in my class, so if I blow this terribly, at least some of the girls will be spared.

Well, Heavenly father stepped in. I just decided to tell the girls that I was not doing to well in this area of my life right now and we all talked of how we could do better. And then I asked the girl who I had asked to bring something spiritual from her home to share with the rest of us what she had brought from her home. Now, her mom attends my class sometimes, and was in our class today, so I didn't think much of it...but the girl said, "I brought my mom. She is everything good and wonderful about our home, and even though she is going through a really difficult time right now, she tries to be as happy as she can be." The spirit was so sweet...her mom started to cry, because she did not know why she was there. She has had so many struggles in her life that it breaks my heart!!!

Okay, now for the point. I was able to teach the lesson...the spirit guided me through everything that I was to say. It was a sweet lesson, but more importantly I knew that just because I was having a rough time right now did not mean it has always been this way in my home. I realized that Heavenly Father loves me and wants me to succeed in my calling as well as in being a wife, mother and grandmother. I also realized that many have been in our home and have felt the spirit. I just love the way Heavenly Father loves and understands me. I screw up so often...and yet He still cares. I am still His child. The day finished out with our family get together and a wonderful family prayer. Thank you, Father, for loving me.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

This has been a full week. It was hard to hear of President Gordon B. Hinckley's passing, but wonderful to know he is back home with those that love him best. His funeral was so touching, and I was reflecting on my life and comparing it to this giant of a man's life and felt like I have accomplished nothing. But a dear friend of mine pointed out to me that I did not have his mantle. That my mantle has been to raise 4 beautiful children in the church...all with testimonies of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. I thought about that some more, and how I haven't had the best of health or the strength I would have desired to have in my lifetime. I am not complaining, though. For all the struggles I have gone through, great lessons have followed and much love from Heavenly Father and dear friends.

The one thing I am learning in all of this is to trust the Priesthood. I know there are those of you out there who think sometimes we over due the priesthood and abuse it by asking for too many blessings. I wonder what they pioneers did when they did not have pain medicine or Doctors they could call?

I will admit, it is hard to bother the brethren when I am in pain or so discouraged I just don't think I can make it another day, but in every blessing I have had I have been told by Heavenly Father that He is glad I asked for this blessing, and that he desires to give me the help I so desperately need at the time. I have so often regained badly needed strength and courage to go on....and peace' beautiful, peaceful sleep.

I must tell those of you who have brought in meals and taken us to dinner, or brought in dinners this past week or so just how thankful I am for you and all the other millions of things you have done. Most of all, thank you for your visits! It is so good to see those I love come so often. I always love your company!!! I only have a few days left of Chemo and then Joni is going to take me off of it so that We can have an enjoyable trip. I wish you could all come!!!

I have learned again this week that if I pray and ask for help to accomplish all the things I want to do, that Heavenly Father really does help the most important things get done. I love Him and the Savior so much. They truly are my best friends, and want so much to be there for us if we will but ask. Have a great week!!!

AJ In the Snow

Doesn't she look like she is having a ball? I'm sure she is going to statrt screaming any minute!!! I actually have some where she looks like she is enjoying the snow...but i cannot figure out how to put them on my blog. Awe...technology!