Seasons

First of all, I want to thank my daughters for their love and appreciation expressed for me. I honestly did not bribe them or pay them for writing such nice things about me...my cancer probably caught them at a week moment! HAHAHAHA!

Every once in awhile cancer catches me off guard. Today I spent all day testing. I did a Pet Scan, a CT scan and an MRI. It was during the pet scan that I just broke down and wept like a baby. The lady was so sweet to me, and I just couldn't hold back the tears. Once they started, they just would not stop. It was though a flood gate of emotions kept pouring out...all down my cheeks and onto my blouse.

As I lay in the recliner, allowing time for the contrast to work, I could not stop thinking about my life, my children and all the things I would still love to accomplish. And asking God,"Why me?" I know we are not supposed to ask that question...so many suffer and so many are in so much worse circumstances than I am...but today I thought of how hard I have tried to serve my God and my family. I just want to live until I have accomplished a few more things that I need to finish. And I would like to feel good enough to do them. Today, after the tests, I came home and slept for three hours...I was wiped out.

Okay...enough complaining. I did get to go camping for a couple of days at the beginning of the week...to my favorite spot on earth. My daughter-in-law and grandkids went with us. We are leaving in the morning for one last jaunt up the river. Most of the family will be there...and yet, my heart will ache for the rest as I miss them so.

Fall is in the air...you can feel it at night and see it in the dew of the early morning hours. I love the smell of the mountain air and the fading green of summer as the season moves to the next stage. Perhaps I need to look at cancer as a changing season...with its very own sights, smell and sounds. Can I ask that you keep praying? I need your faith and prayers so very much right now. Next week I find out how long I have left.

You Light Up My Life

When I woke up this morning, it was not from the gentle pounding of tiny hands on my forehead, and very soft gibberjabber next to my ear.This morning I just woke up in an empty bed and in an empty room.

I am home, and McKenzie is far, far away...and oh, how I miss her. Every morning, she would climb down the steep steps to see me and then she would help me with my waking routine. She would get a water bottle out of the cooler for me, and then hand me my medicine bottles, one at a time and watch as I took each prescription. Sometime in all of that, she would find one of my hats I wear to hide my bald hair, and either put it on me or herself...(thus, the picture). She likes my hats. Sunday, when I put on my wig to wear to church she just sort of stuck her nose up at it and looked at me with a disgusted frown. Children are never vain..they are so real in their love.

If I was really lucky, after I woke up and had had some breakfast, I got the honor of bathing Julia. I love the new baby bathtubs...you can bathe the sweet newborns with both hands free, and the soap is so sweet and mild smelling. It is such a treat when they are in their new, clean clothes, smelling like only a baby can. Nothing replaces that. Nothing!!!

Nonetheless, I am finding it very hard this morning. I have a huge hole in my heart that only two little girls can fill, and my emotions are running out all over the place. I am sure I will die of a broken heart this very hour!! But I just remembered...I have to pick up peaches for a slug of people and deliver them by noon...I have many letters to write and people to see. I also have a house to clean and weeds to pull, and my life story to write, and on and on.....

So I will do all these things. I will plan a camping trip with my other grandchildren, and hope they will want to go with me toward the end of the week, And yet, every day a piece of my heart will be in Ogden with the girls that lit up my life for the month of August!!

Julia Kaye

I am sitting up with my precious new granddaughter, trying to let April get a little sleep. What a beauty she is. Her hair is black, like my mom's when she was young. She has a very sweet disposition, so far, and I have to tell you, watching a new life come into this world is one of life's greatest joys. I was thrilled beyond measure when I found out they had decided to name her after me. It is such an honor.
Her big sister loves her to pieces. Mckenzie is so careful with Julia and does not appear to be jealous in the least. She always kisses her on the forehead in the most gentle of ways.

We got here 4 days before Julia arrived and we were able to help Chay finish his bathroom and the girls room. They both look very nice. Today, Aprils mother-in law painted the front room for April. I didn't do much except putty work and filled some of the cracks in the walls...but it looks nice, too. Gary left to go home Saturday, and I will fly home next week. I am looking forward to just sitting around holding this beautiful baby. What a JOY!!!

I know some of you are wondering about my state of health...I decided to wait to do any of the testing until after my visit with April. I am pretty tired and weak most of the time, but don't feel too bad. I will give you the details when I get them.
Thanks for your prayers and thoughts. I can literally feel your support. I love you!!!