Trust

Not quite sure what I am to write about this morning...just know that I haven't written much of late. I ended my first round of my new chemo this week. I didn't do too bad...I just have a slit in my heal where the skin is drying out and it is really painful. They started radiation on my hip and both my arms Wednesday. The point is to keep the pain level down. I am back using my walker, except Gary ran over it!!! ( He was probably wishing I was using it at the time,hahaha!)

I talked to Dr. Fairbanks and he and the neurosurgeon pretty much decided to put treating my brain off for a couple of months. If the lesions in the brain start causing me a lot of problems, or the chemo starts working everywhere else in a remarkable way, then they will go ahead with the gamma radiation...but as for now it is a waiting game, and it does not look very good. Unless I get that miracle real soon, I will die...probably within 3 to 6 months...maybe sooner.

I was really saddened by the news last week of all the brain lesions, and one afternoon just after praying and crying, my home teacher stopped in. He usually plows our driveway out for us, and that's what I thought he was doing, but he said he had an impression to stop and see how I was really doing. I told him about the brain mets and that I was a little frightened...I also shared how I didn't understand any of this because my patriarchal blessing says I will have the health and strength to throw off the ills and sicknesses that prey upon mankind, and I had had a couple of blessings wherein I felt like I would be healed.

He asked me what I was afraid of? I told him that perhaps I had not done all that I could have while here on earth. I also told him I hated to leave my children and grandchildren. I also said that I didn't want to leave Joette unmarried or Gary, for that matter. He was very tender, and said that I had raised a good family, strong in the Gospel of Jesus Christ; that I had served well and strong. He could not sooth the questions about the blessings, but since he was here I have felt more at peace about all of this.

Last night I mentioned to a friend that I would like to go to Maui. She, in turn, has a friend with a timeshare there. It sounds grand, and maybe I will go...but depending on the time I have left, I think I would rather spend it with my family. The best would be if they could all come, too. Of course, none of us are in a position to pay for it. The hard thing would be that we get the condo and I pass it up because I want to see the most I can of my children, and then not be able to see them much anyway.

This weekend we have a general authority coming to restructure two stakes in the area. In my deepest desires, I wish I could have a blessing by him. I know that my humble home teacher has the power the general authority does, so the thought is silly, I guess. It is just hard because I have had these blessings that promise me life. So many of my blessings in my lifetime have panned out just as they were spoken to me. I have always put my trust in the priesthood...always... as I know it is the greatest power on earth, with God watching over each blessing.

Whatever is coming...it is meant to be. I must and will trust God.