Lists

I am not sure what I want to say or even how to say it. I am afraid that no matter what I say tonight it will judged a pity trip, especially by those least qualified to judge, and that is not what is intended here.

At least once a week I do have a mental melt down and life just gets hard. Tonight I got left off a list...sort of like I was already dead and I cannot believe how much it hurt me. You see, I have had this friend for at least twelve years or more and I considered her one of my dearest treasures...but ever since I got cancer, and the docs said it was fatal, she has slowly cut me out of her life. She does not call me, so I call her. She does not come to see me, so I go see her. A different friend asked me the other day to share with her what cancer has taught me....and I told her I didn't realize before I had cancer what a lonely disease it was. I told her not to be afraid of someone because they are dyeing because we all are. Now I am not sure if this is why I have been cut out of my friends life. Maybe I hurt her feelings and didn't know it. Maybe I said or did something that she felt was below me or below her. Maybe I hurt one of her children. I just know the special relationship we had is gone and it makes my heart sad.

A little over two years ago, I found out that Mary...down the hill from me, had her cancer come back. Mine was still in remission at the time. I went to see her a few times and she brought me a little house for my collection. On the day I found out my cancer was back I went to see her and when I knocked on her door, her husband told me to leave them alone, that they had just been told that there was nothing more that they could do for her and had given her 3 months to live.

I never went back to see her. I was afraid her husband would be angry with me or that her two big dogs might chase me up the hill, and I would not be able to move fast enough to get away from them. But I could have driven down to her house, or called her, or I could have told her husband where to go and that I was visiting her rather he liked it or not...but I didn't and she died. I didn't go because I didn't know what I could say to her.

I went to her funeral but it seemed like a hollow offering. Anyway...people, young and old, rich or poor, sick or well all need the same thing. They need to know they are of worth. Sometimes , my daughter, Joette, just rubs my feet and legs and says nothing. But it feels so good and is such a Christlike gesture that I weep knowing how much she cares.

I know of another woman who died this year of cancer. I have been told that she was the most upbeat person, and never once complained. Maybe that is my problem....I talk about cancer openly. I try not to whine, but if people ask, I explain where I am in the disease. And in the darkness of night...like now...when I am awake with all my concerns about my family and the hereafter....hoping I have been valiant enough...I do cry...and I don't think I am full of self pity. I think any normal person would cry. Most of my tears are me calling out to God to just be with me for one more night. And usually by the next day, I have felt His loving arms around me and I am back trying to accomplish something of worth...trying to live! When I am talking to a friend who I know really cares, sometimes I cry. (I can still laugh my head off, too though...and sometimes I do both in the same sentence).

I am mostly just talking to myself this night...I just wish I knew what happened to my friend. A really wonderful thing happened today, though....my sister, Barbara, called to thank me for coming to see her. It was just a short visit, but I am so glad I went. You see, I love her. I cannot do much, but I found a way to do that. Look at your list. Have you filled your life with so much unnecessary stuff that you've crowded someone who once was important out ? I did that to Mary, and I feel the regret every day. Just last week, Gary kept saying he should go see Ray, an old friend of his. Ray died Tuesday. Gary never made it over to see him. Thank you God for my life and all that I have learned and am learning. I feel better now..and I will feel even better after I have knelt in prayer and made sure You are at the top of my list!