I have to teach a testimony....?

It has been a busy month...I suppose it has been for everyone. I had a celebration of life party and it was just wonderful. My dear friend described it as being like a Norman Rockwell picture. People came from all over, new friends and old friends. I could not have asked for more.

The next day I found out I now have 15 brain mets. When they do the set up on them to see if treatment can even be done, they will then determine if it is worth it or not. It was a hard morning to learn that I really don't have much time left. I try to stay positive, but it is difficult to say the least. I keep returning to my blessings and to my patriarchal blessing that have all held such great promises. Now I am starting to wonder exactly what those promises mean.

This Sunday I have to teach a lesson , well more like give a testimony of the Savior, and I am finding that I am really struggling with this. I know He lives, I know he has blessed my life many times, but just now I feel so distant from him. I have no answers to the blessings, nothing to give my grandchildren who have prayed so hard for me...The Inn is empty.

I know Christ has lifted me and blessed me all through my life, but for the first time, I feel that I am lost in the crowd...so many need so much more than I do. Just yesterday my oncologist told of a witness of a man from his ward who was completely healed from cancer that had spread throughout all his vital organs.I have tried to serve my entire life. I am not asking for much.....just a few more years, years that only God can grant me. A miracle of small proportions when I think that with one swoop of His arm he creates mountains. And yet, who am I? Just one ordinary person hoping for a miracle. But it was a miracle promised to me so long ago....one that I have banked on and hoped for.

So, I hang on..hoping. Hoping that His promises are true. Sorry to be so down today...I started a new chemo yesterday...an oral one every day twice a day. I am doing all this because I was told in a blessing to do everything medically possible to save my life.But what do I say to the young women on Sunday? How do I teach them about faith when it seems so distant? How do I teach them, when I feel my own has run out...dried up? How do I teach them that His promises are sure?

I also have to have more radiation done to my right hip and both arms. I think they will start that day after Christmas. It will help the pain. I have a lot of pain today. My heart feels like it is breaking in a million pieces. Just sitting here watching my little Julia sleep is tearing me apart. I must try to remember that God guides the future as He has the past.