I have to teach a testimony....?

It has been a busy month...I suppose it has been for everyone. I had a celebration of life party and it was just wonderful. My dear friend described it as being like a Norman Rockwell picture. People came from all over, new friends and old friends. I could not have asked for more.

The next day I found out I now have 15 brain mets. When they do the set up on them to see if treatment can even be done, they will then determine if it is worth it or not. It was a hard morning to learn that I really don't have much time left. I try to stay positive, but it is difficult to say the least. I keep returning to my blessings and to my patriarchal blessing that have all held such great promises. Now I am starting to wonder exactly what those promises mean.

This Sunday I have to teach a lesson , well more like give a testimony of the Savior, and I am finding that I am really struggling with this. I know He lives, I know he has blessed my life many times, but just now I feel so distant from him. I have no answers to the blessings, nothing to give my grandchildren who have prayed so hard for me...The Inn is empty.

I know Christ has lifted me and blessed me all through my life, but for the first time, I feel that I am lost in the crowd...so many need so much more than I do. Just yesterday my oncologist told of a witness of a man from his ward who was completely healed from cancer that had spread throughout all his vital organs.I have tried to serve my entire life. I am not asking for much.....just a few more years, years that only God can grant me. A miracle of small proportions when I think that with one swoop of His arm he creates mountains. And yet, who am I? Just one ordinary person hoping for a miracle. But it was a miracle promised to me so long ago....one that I have banked on and hoped for.

So, I hang on..hoping. Hoping that His promises are true. Sorry to be so down today...I started a new chemo yesterday...an oral one every day twice a day. I am doing all this because I was told in a blessing to do everything medically possible to save my life.But what do I say to the young women on Sunday? How do I teach them about faith when it seems so distant? How do I teach them, when I feel my own has run out...dried up? How do I teach them that His promises are sure?

I also have to have more radiation done to my right hip and both arms. I think they will start that day after Christmas. It will help the pain. I have a lot of pain today. My heart feels like it is breaking in a million pieces. Just sitting here watching my little Julia sleep is tearing me apart. I must try to remember that God guides the future as He has the past.

My husband friend

I had a fun time Saturday. I took Alyssa out to buy her a birthday present, and then we went out to eat. She is such a wonderfully mature girl. She helped me pick out a birthday toy for Mckenzie, too. I am looking forward to our projects we do each year for Christmas together...just me, one on one with my grandkids.

I also got to go hear my daughter-in law teach a lesson in which she had Joette sing and play a song that Joette wrote. It was all so nice. Gary said a prayer in church that was just incredible. We left church early today...I was really struggling, but Gary is so good to me, and I appreciate him so much. He has turned into the best listener these past few months. Sometimes a person (woman) just needs to cry. They don't need anything fixed, they just need to hear themselves think and then they work it out on their own. Gary has been that kind of friend to me. Have a great week.

Celebration of Life

It has been awhile since i have posted a blog. I have been very busy trying to get Christmas wrapped up, plus I have spent most of this week taking tests to see where the cancer is or is not. I will know more on Tuesday of next week. The family was here for Thanksgiving, all except April, Chay and family...and we missed them terribly. We did enjoy each other though and did a little planning for Christmas. Linda was wonderful and had April come to her house for dinner. I was so glad they had a lace to go.

Some days it is hard to write on my blog. I get so emotional that I am afraid I am chasing everyone away. I feel very lonely at times and then very busy...not sure how I am going to do everything I planned on doing. When you are marked to die, you definitely look at life differently than you did before...I just want to cram everything I can into every single day. Sad thing being that I just don't feel very good. I cannot remember anything! The other day gary and I had the dumbest fight. I told him that if he'd get a squash that we raised this summer and clean it, I would bake it for dinner. We both wound up cleaning the humongous ting, and then Gary asked me if I had turned on the oven. I hadn't and he got mad a me and I threw squash at him...it was awful...but we did laugh about it later. I just hate being reminded that I am slowly loosing my mind. I understand it is easy to freak out occasionally when you are taking all the drugs I am taking.

I am hoping that I can take some more time off from Chemo in December...and if the chemo has stopped working, i guess I will get my wish...so it is a hard thing to wish for. Oh, by the way, I am having a celebration of life party on the 17th from 6 to 9 PM. It is sort of an open house with entertainment, so I hope many of you will come. Should be lots of friends here and lots of fun. I've told everyone I am throwing my own wake!!!!

Keep in touch when you can...I sure miss everyone!!! I will try to write more.

A NEW DAY!!

It Quit Raining, I am ready to fight some more. The blessing said I have more to do, more people to love and embrace...more to learn. My tumor markers are going up, but I can fight back with the Candida diet. I am still here...still trying!

Rain

Some days are just harder than others. You wake up to a drizzle and it doesn't let up all day. You fight with everyone you know and are told things you can barely stand to hear and by 5:00 PM it is a torrential down pour of icky mud everywhere you go. I finally asked for a blesssing...but even that did not help much. I was told Jesus would hold me in his arms if I just sought after Him. Last night, I prayed and it was all I had to give. Today I just want to give up. Would it be okay? I am so tired. If ever I needed the Savior, it is tonight. I have so little left to give...so little energy. Are we talking quality of life or quantity? I Need Thee Every Hour.

Come, Listen to a prophets voice!!!!

It is still such a beautiful Fall day. I am thankful for the sunshine and blue skies. I have been keeping busy sewing the past three of four days...i made buntings for my granddaughter and Jeans for the other one....kind of fun, I am just using up old pants I have and my supply of fleece. I think this Christmas i will attempt not to spend any money unless it is for home food storage and 72 hour kits. After watching the news last week with all the disasters going on all around us, I decided to help get my family ready in case we have a real need. Lorena's entire family is in Villahernosa, and the city is under 85% water due to a torrential rain fall that hit early last week. We have cousins in San Diego and I lived in San Bernardino for a time, and I guess you just never think these things can happen to you .

My thought for today then is to stop buying the unnecessary things, listen to the brethren...get out of debt and get as much food storage in as you possibly can. Wheat has already gone up $3 a bushel and now that the farmers are raising corn for fuel, all the meat prices will jump sky high, too

The trouble is we all know what we need to do, but it so easy to put off and just not think about. "If ye are prepared, ye need not fear." Lets all get prepared together. Lorena's folks are sharing everything they have with those that are standed. I hope I can be at the giving end when it happens to us. Remember the grasshoper and the ant?

The power of the Atonement

Below are my two granddaughters. The pictures were taken the Sunday Julia Kaye was blessed and given a name. I came home today after being away eleven days. It was hard to leave these two precious girls.I cried and Mckenzie cried.

I did quite a bit of reflecting while I was staying with April. For one, I am so thankful that she is in a large family with lots of active members of the church that live close by. I was able to spend a little while with my niece and my sister, and I am thankful that they are close by for her. You start to think in terms of "how will my children do after I am gone", and you look for all the positive signs you can find close to them. It isn't important to me if they succeed financially, only that they have what they need. If they stay close to the Lord and His Church, they will have success in ways they can not even comprehend now.

I had a wonderful break, but I must admit, I am already struggling with just being home again and dealing with everyday life and everyday cancer. The Docs say I am doing just great, and I feel like, .........! I ask myself every day how am I ever going to do this. Today I read a beautiful quote on LDS Gems. It said,

"The Atonement of Jesus Christ and the healing it offers do much more than provide the opportunity for repentance from sins. The Atonement also
gives us the strength to endure 'pains and afflictions and temptations
of every kind,' because our Savior also took upon Him 'the pains
and the sicknesses of his people' (Alma 7:11). Brothers and sisters, if
your faith and prayers and the power of the priesthood do not heal you from
an affliction, the power of the Atonement will surely give you the strength
to bear the burden." Dallin H. Oaks

I know I need to pray harder and more sincere to be able to see my way through this, because it is hard....really hard. I feel so alone in the struggle sometimes. Today on the flight home I sat by a woman who was a member of the church...flying out to see her children in Seattle.We became instant friends and she has had her share of hard times...and it felt good to share with her my cancer story and how hard it is and how frightened I am of the coming pain. Not of death, I have had enough spiritual experiences in my life to know that God is real and that their is a heaven where there is no longer pain and suffering... but I shared with her the question of will I be able to endure the never ending pain? I shared with her that I will only make it if God will hold my hand. In sharing these thoughts with this stranger/sister, I felt her love and compassion pass over me with it's own kind of peace. I honestly felt she understood what I feel, and that has been hard to express to those closest to me. Tomorrow is another day...and I will do my best to lean on the Savior and the blessed people he has and will contineu to place in my path.

Who's On the Lord's Side, Who?

I am at my daughter's home, hugging my grandbabies. I am safe and warm. Her house is cute, small, and cozy, and though it needs a little work...I love it...it feels secure. It is not on fire somewhere, or under threat of flood or bombs. I am a Cristian and can worship as I please, go to church when I want, say my prayers wherever I want and don't have to be afraid to voice my opinion about the candidates or politics.



Yesterday I received a letter from a SGT stationed in Iraq that touched my soul in the deepest possible way. It was about how prayer had preserved his life so many times, and because of this, He knows we are fighting a war against good and evil, against right and wrong .



As the rhetoric continues and the tempers flare, as the politicians make there stand...my prayer is that you stay informed...especially viewing the Fox news network, listening to Laural Ingraham and Glenn Beck. We have to win this war. Our very religion is at stake unless a peaceful solution can be reached. I know many of you don't like to think about such things, but the Christian way of life is being torn apart in every corner and threatened on every front. Radical Islam has vowed to annihilate the Christian faith. How many, once they have bombed our borders or invaded our cities will be able to say you or your children that theirhomes are safe and warm and grandbabies are safe and warm. Get informed, support our troops, pray for the proper commanders to be placed where they need to be, and pray for my friend, who's partial letter I have enclosed. God bless this soldier...God Bless America.


"One last testament to the belief in God before we leave. An update: We
will be out of this popsicle stand next week. A few odds and ends need tied, but overall we are complete. On Oct 17th, for those who do not know, an insurgent element attempted to take my life with a grenade. It wasn't personal; he would have tried to throw it at any opportunity target in the area. I was not supposed to be there that day. An additional duty was willfully skirted to join my platoon on this final run to a location. Before rolling out the gate the words "Dear God, protect us as we roll out the gate. Send your angels before us to clear the path and if Michael isn't too busy please ask him to join." Nothing grandiose, sweet, short, to the point and the message is not something that needs much explanation because He knows our hearts.
On this day, something in the air smelled different, I took it as a warning to prepare myself. I am not scared of death, it becomes us all eventually. This was the closest kiss I remember having with death. Let me say the breath is in need of some scope or Crest. I believe I was sent that day because I could not handle losing one of my guys. Under the protection of the Lord I withstood the blast of a grenade that was meant to end my life. End result was the insurgent giving me a piece of his hand the hard way. I also found out that I can kill a man without hesitation given the conditions. God helped me find a car bomb that was not meant to be found, timed the insurgents who were to detonate that bomb to be there when we arrived, and put the conditions most secular views would conjure up to luck. So many more factors are involved that I believe there is no other explanation than Divine Intervention. Compassion in the most extreme sense overwhelmed me as I stared at the young looking man who got sold a fantasy by the religious mob. It is not so simple to say you killed him before he killed you. In truth, he held the advantage and it, by scientific law, was meant to extinguish my light. His ideology and radical views failed.
October 30, thirteen days later. Our last mission, same prayer, same warning in the air. Two spots, two explosions, two craters. Our first site excavated a 90 X 20 foot section of road with 620 pounds of explosives. At our second site, 30 meters from where SGT Bevington was killed our search element found a gauntlet of IED's. While setting up the means to eradicate these deadly devices, one went off. Again too many factors that rule out secular or scientific reasoning. My platoon leader was three feet from a 120mm size artillery round along with two Marine explosive ordnance disposal members. 10 minutes before eight vehicles drove over the device. 30 seconds before it detonated I was on the ground walking over it. (Yes there is detail to the scene but really is not the point this time) The vehicle that set it off simply had the windshield cracked and half of the hood blown off, the tire was not affected. I have a chunk of the round that had the potential to kill eight people on this day and simply injured one to the point he had to be medevaced to another camp for picking out the shrapnel from his face and sewing him up. Praise God he will return to duty only a little banged up. This is not a means to win compassion for the choice I made to serve in whatever capacity I am asked. This is simply two events that happened within my platoon that (by all scientific measure) should have left us with 9 less people on this earth. This is a testament to the very fact that this conflict is not about bombs, weapons of mass destruction, or other means used to kill people. This conflict is about the very principles and beliefs necessary to perform such vicious acts and that it is in the power of prayer/belief in God that will change the conditions. I am not a religious leader, nor did these events give me a greater calling to eat better, exercise more, love more, or be something I am not. These events are being mentioned from one believer to those who will listen - the power of prayer is exponentially greater when more understand what to pray for. I have always said - Do not pray that I don't go, pray that I come back. I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HERE! I am a witness to a power that supersedes the destruction of man-made objects. It is my responsibility to share this with you and to urge you to believe that your prayers to end this conflict are not enough. The darkness that can be felt here is strong and no weapon in the coalition arsenal will satisfy the end like prayer. This is a massive spiritual battle to which the foxholes are dug in deep and the defenses are tough. Walking, talking, living proof that those defenses are no match for God."


Kerry Gerber
SFC Combat Engineer, USA

Lost addresses-Lost brain

I totally erased my entire address book this morning by accident. Could you do me a favor and send me your email addresses? Send them to edithkaye@gmail.com Thanks!!

Record of Blessings

I felt the presence of Heavenly Father in my life today...

Sunday, October 07, 2007.

Today was conference and one of the talks was about a woman who had cancer and was dying. Her son asked her a week or so before she died if there was anything she wished she could have or have done. She answered that she wished she could have been of more service. I felt the spirit so strong, as I have wished this since I found out my cancer was back. I feel as though there is so much I have not done to help my fellow man. My health has not been good for years and there is so little I can do, that it just breaks my heart. I just wish I felt better, I would try to do so much more. I do know that the talk was for me, and mirrored my own thoughts.

Monday, October 08, 2007

I worked on my life history today, and that felt good to be doing something that I know I need to do. I felt pretty good all day, but by tonight I was not doing too well. I asked Bob Stroh if he could come and give me a blessing. The blessing was short and sweet, but it did say that I was going to recover from all of this, and to make my family a priority. And I felt my Heavenly Father’s love for me. I know He is with me, watching over my treatments and directing my path.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Yesterday I went to the temple. It was a beautiful day outside, almost got up to 80 degrees. I went with Joell W. to do initiatory work for Gary’s ancestors. I did Stella, grandma’s cousin, and I also did Marguerite, Gary’s mom, and Clarence Ayer’s wives. It was one of the sweetest experiences. I started to cry at the pronouncement of the first blessing. I explained to the sister workers that I was doing family names and that I also had terminal cancer and that was why I was so emotional. They were all so very sweet to me. I hope someday I will feel well enough to work in the temple.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

After waking up about 6:00 AM, I felt pretty punk, so I went back to bed. I could have stayed there all day, so I cried and prayed and went back to sleep. When I woke up a couple of hours later, I just decided that if I was going to have a good day it would be up to me to make it one. I worked on pumpkins that I designed for a table topper for autumn, and then I stained the first coat of stain on two of the six chairs I got at a garage sale a couple of years ago. They match my dining room table and will be really nice for the holidays. I am thankful for prayer and the push Heavenly Father gave me today. I know God answers prayers. Keith stopped by to work on a computer, and it was so nice to spend time with him. I love my kids so much, and they are so good to dad and me.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Somebody…I don’t remember who right now, at General Conference told of how they wrote down how God had touched their lives every day. I have tried to write my feelings down this week. I have missed a couple of days, and things for sure, for I know He is always near and blesses me minute by minute. Yesterday was chemo day. My blood counts were all back up and doing good and I felt so much better…so I had chemo. A wonderful new friend of mine took me out to lunch. I am actually her visiting teacher, but she has taken such wonderful care of me it should be the other way around. We had a wonderful time. She is an artist, and I am hoping that after the first of the year we can paint together. When we got home…wonderful surprise…Bryon and Lorena were here and we went out for Fish at Pryor’s. If you have not had fish at this little hole in the road in Otis Orchard…you have not lived. It is so good.

Before they left to go home, Lorena asked me to have her come over like once a week to help me for a few hours. I think I will take her up on that…especially the weeks after chemo or when I feel rotten. Again, Heavenly Father has blessed me…I have such wonderful daughter-in-laws and a terrific son-in-law. It seems that in this world so many families struggle to even get along. It is the gospel of Jesus Christ that has made all the difference for our family. We are just trying to live the commandments, and though we are not perfect, each person tries to live their lives like the Savior would live His, and it helps all the relationships be so much sweeter. Today we are headed out for Taylor’s football game. I understand he is a great tight end (?), and made a 40 yard touchdown. He also plays defensive lineman and makes phenomenal tackles…especially since he is playing against boys over a year older than he is. It will be a fun day, and I will feel good seeing as how I am on the steroid override right now from chemo.

Okay, so this is my week of blessings…anyway the ones I remembered and wrote down.

Count your blessings…name them one by one. Count your many blessings…see what God has done.

PS HAPPY BIRTHDAY APEY SNAPEY!!!! WE LOVE YOU!!!!!!!

Birthdays, Families and Fall

I had a great birthday...and here are a few pictures for the rest of the family that could not be there. We enjoyed having AJ and Lorena back with us. Of course, AJ loves her daddy, but she also really likes Uncle Keith, too.

I didn't have chemo yesterday...too sick....but after a long time on my knees, I am feeling much better today. I thought this might mess up my trip to see April, but doc said it was fine to just do two sessions this month. Last night when I started feeling better, I decorated for fall. It is really chilly here, and It felt good to get out the fall decorations, and start to think about Christmas and what I would like to finish. I love the crispness in the air, and the beautiful fall colors. I think we should all hat a hot apple cider today!!! I am so thankful to see another fall, and so thankful that when I just don't think I can go on a minute more, I have a miracle, and I regain some strength. Have a wonderful day!!! Come on over this weekend and have cider and donuts!!!

Celebrate Good Times...Come On!

Celebrate good times...come on!!!

Friday night , 3 of us were supposed to go out to dinner to celebrate my birthday, but somehow it turned into a dinner party at a dear friends home with so many of my sweet friends surrounding me and wishing me well. Thank you, Ling. Your goodness is immeasurable. Thank you, Lisa for providing your beautiful home..and I am not sure who did all the cooking, but seeing as how I hate to eat anything I cook, it was so wonderful to actually feel full!!! I don't know how to tell you all how much you mean to me, and how thankful I am that we are true sisters.

The next day I met up with Sherry and Sandy and had a wonderful day. One thing that makes them so wonderful is that I can cry around them, and share my fears and hopes and I don't feel judged. I can share with them my most intimate thoughts about living or dying and , even though they don't really understand, they give me their time and ear and love. We had a birthday lunch for me at Sandi's and it was wonderful...man, especially the Amish rolls. Sherry bought me some good smelling stuff to spray all over myself...I always feel like I stink.
(Maybe I do...hint, hint)

It was very hard coming home Saturday night on my birthday to an empty house. I felt sorry for myself for a short time, but realized Gary was out with his best friend cutting wood, and having his own break from cancer. I understand how difficult it must be for him and would love to find a way to escape all of this myself and go back to a time when cancer wasn't mentioned every day in our home.

Sunday I went to Keith's house for dinner. Calie had made a wonderful meal....with Keith as the BBQ king. Lorena and Ansley are home from Mexico and it was so wonderful to see them. She is walking everywhere. I will add a couple of pictures soon. I missed that Gary and my girls were not there...but we did have fun. The grandkids asked me questions about my life from a book we'd picked up at a garage sale...and ...well some of them were not easy to answer. We laughed and just enjoyed each other.

Joette got home from April's late last night, and April had made me a beautiful scrapbook of her two children that I will forever cherish. I know it was such a sacrifice for her to take that time, as Mckenzie is having a difficult time adjusting and Julia is colic.

I was humbling to be remembered by so many. Today I still have the blinds drawn and my PJ's on...trying to get up the courage to face life again. I have really felt sick for about 5 days again now. I share this because even though I have so much to live for...I am not so sure I can do it much longer...no, I am not sure I want to do this much longer. I need to spend an hour or two in prayer and find strength to celebrate life again. I saved this draft and it took me 2 hours to figure out how to get it published...I had to call my daughter in tears and ask her what in the heck I was doing wrong. I hate being this disabled...I really do not think straight any more, and am finding everything so difficult to do. I need your prayers today...mine are not working so well.

Summer's End

I felt so strong the day this picture was taken...We took a hike up to Fern Falls, and although the trail was not very steep. I did make it, and it was not all that hard. Since then, I started Chemo again, and some kind of bone therapy to strengthen them...and it has wiped me out again. But I have my rest week this week, after having the last round of the three rounds I need to go though, so I am running wild with ideas and things I would love to accomplish if I feel good this week.

My tumor markers are down from 600 and something to 34. That was a cheery slice of news!!! I feel good since chemo yesterday...but much of it is due to the steroids they pump into you just before getting the navolbean. (Chemo)....It is only 5:00AM and I am wide awake planning 6 million things to do today and tomorrow...before the good stuff wears off!!

We were going to drive down to see April, she is really struggling with Julia and colic. I feel so bad for her, but there is so much to do here, and I would like to get something done before the weather turns nasty. It is already freezing at night. We picked grapes yesterday, and apples a week or so ago. I swear, the applesauce is the best I have ever made, and we don't even know what kind of apples we have. How big do crab apples get? These are small and sort of tart, yet sweet at the same time. We will go down to April's around the 18th of October...during my next break. Then, April, Chay and the kids they are coming here for Christmas. Lorena comes home next week, I think. It will be so nice to see her and AJ. I have really missed them. I guess AJ is walking, and Bryon is so excited to see her. I think next week we will sneak off to Radium before the weather turns to winter.

It has been a good week. I did baptisms and sealings in the temple, but I messed up. I was with a veteran group, all in their 80's or so, and I had some names that I had not cleared properly for sealing. I realized this after one couple were sealed that did not have the rest of their work done. The sealer, without me saying a word, recognized that I was troubled and he fixed the mistake for me. It was such a sweet, spiritual moment for me, as Gary was not there, and it was a very important sealing in his family that he needed to be in the temple to witness and participate in. The Lord knew this and stepped in with His spirit and inspired the temple sealer to fix the mistake, and give us time to be together as a family for this sealing. Words do not do this justice, I know, but it truly was one of the sweetest moments I have ever had in the temple, one I will never forget.

Well, I think I had better try to get a little sleep Thanks again for your continued prayers. I had a blessing about a week ago that was so sweet and dear to my heart. So many of my fears were calmed and I felt like Heavenly Father was talking directly to me, as He, through the priesthood, addressed so many of my concerns. I am trying to turn my life over to Him each and every day so as not to waste a moment of time. I have felt your prayers of encouragement, and love so much. Thank you

Change your attitude

Okay...so I never write twice in one day...but after feeling so low this morning, I decided to go to a cooking class. I had fun, I ate good stuff and I talked. I could have stayed home...it would have been the easy way out, but I decided to make myself go, and by golly...it was not all that bad. It really depends on our attitude. Life really is worth living, and if we try we can find joy every day. So...shape up world...Speak, even when nobody speaks back

You Talk Too Much

Not sure what is wrong with me. I have cried so much this week. I keep telling myself it is the new bone medicine that was injected with my chemo last week. I know that my jaw is very sore (okay, you wise guys...it is not from talking too much!) In fact, that is part of the problem. I am not talking to hardly anyone. When I first got cancer back, people would call, but now, and I am sure of this, they just do not know what to say to me. I try really hard not to wine about my disease...and just be my normal self...whatever that is....but still, I don't see many people or talk to many anymore. It is like I am dead already. I used to get asked to do things or go places...but not now. I am partly to blame, but honestly, people treat those with fatal illnesses different. I know I have in the past. I will change that about myself if I ever get the chance. I will ask them about their families, their work...I'll take them out to lunch. I will just be their friend. I will make sure they are involved in church activities and I will help them feel like they are needed in some way. Maybe I am the one who needs to call others...but it is hard, especially when I might weep at any moment, or when I hear in trepidation in their voices when they find out it is me. Yesterday I finally asked my daughter if she would like to go to a movie. We had such a nice time. It was a tragic love story...a true chick flick, and I felt young and giddy at all the right places, and I didn't think about cancer once. Well...that's enough talking for today...I need to clean my bathroom.

Good News!!!

Results are in and the treatment is working!!! Very little lung
involvement and no lymphatic involvement. I still have some skeletal
cancer, but it has not enlarged. My blood work was good. I am still
waiting for the tumor marker results and there was some question with
the brain mets. I had three small mets when I was in Tulsa, and I
still have three small mets. Joni was not sure if they were the same
or new ones, so she is sending for all the records and then having me
see Dr. Robert Fairbanks to see if these are new, or can even be
worked on. I am starting another round of Chemo today. This time
we will go three months. My oncologist seemed pleased with the results so
far. I would like to go back on the green drink diet for a short while and see if I can speed recovery or have complete remission. I want to help this out the best I can.
Please continue your thoughts and prayers in my behalf that i will have the strength to do the diet again....it's a very difficult one to do. And thank you for all of your love and support!!!

Seasons

First of all, I want to thank my daughters for their love and appreciation expressed for me. I honestly did not bribe them or pay them for writing such nice things about me...my cancer probably caught them at a week moment! HAHAHAHA!

Every once in awhile cancer catches me off guard. Today I spent all day testing. I did a Pet Scan, a CT scan and an MRI. It was during the pet scan that I just broke down and wept like a baby. The lady was so sweet to me, and I just couldn't hold back the tears. Once they started, they just would not stop. It was though a flood gate of emotions kept pouring out...all down my cheeks and onto my blouse.

As I lay in the recliner, allowing time for the contrast to work, I could not stop thinking about my life, my children and all the things I would still love to accomplish. And asking God,"Why me?" I know we are not supposed to ask that question...so many suffer and so many are in so much worse circumstances than I am...but today I thought of how hard I have tried to serve my God and my family. I just want to live until I have accomplished a few more things that I need to finish. And I would like to feel good enough to do them. Today, after the tests, I came home and slept for three hours...I was wiped out.

Okay...enough complaining. I did get to go camping for a couple of days at the beginning of the week...to my favorite spot on earth. My daughter-in-law and grandkids went with us. We are leaving in the morning for one last jaunt up the river. Most of the family will be there...and yet, my heart will ache for the rest as I miss them so.

Fall is in the air...you can feel it at night and see it in the dew of the early morning hours. I love the smell of the mountain air and the fading green of summer as the season moves to the next stage. Perhaps I need to look at cancer as a changing season...with its very own sights, smell and sounds. Can I ask that you keep praying? I need your faith and prayers so very much right now. Next week I find out how long I have left.

You Light Up My Life

When I woke up this morning, it was not from the gentle pounding of tiny hands on my forehead, and very soft gibberjabber next to my ear.This morning I just woke up in an empty bed and in an empty room.

I am home, and McKenzie is far, far away...and oh, how I miss her. Every morning, she would climb down the steep steps to see me and then she would help me with my waking routine. She would get a water bottle out of the cooler for me, and then hand me my medicine bottles, one at a time and watch as I took each prescription. Sometime in all of that, she would find one of my hats I wear to hide my bald hair, and either put it on me or herself...(thus, the picture). She likes my hats. Sunday, when I put on my wig to wear to church she just sort of stuck her nose up at it and looked at me with a disgusted frown. Children are never vain..they are so real in their love.

If I was really lucky, after I woke up and had had some breakfast, I got the honor of bathing Julia. I love the new baby bathtubs...you can bathe the sweet newborns with both hands free, and the soap is so sweet and mild smelling. It is such a treat when they are in their new, clean clothes, smelling like only a baby can. Nothing replaces that. Nothing!!!

Nonetheless, I am finding it very hard this morning. I have a huge hole in my heart that only two little girls can fill, and my emotions are running out all over the place. I am sure I will die of a broken heart this very hour!! But I just remembered...I have to pick up peaches for a slug of people and deliver them by noon...I have many letters to write and people to see. I also have a house to clean and weeds to pull, and my life story to write, and on and on.....

So I will do all these things. I will plan a camping trip with my other grandchildren, and hope they will want to go with me toward the end of the week, And yet, every day a piece of my heart will be in Ogden with the girls that lit up my life for the month of August!!

Julia Kaye

I am sitting up with my precious new granddaughter, trying to let April get a little sleep. What a beauty she is. Her hair is black, like my mom's when she was young. She has a very sweet disposition, so far, and I have to tell you, watching a new life come into this world is one of life's greatest joys. I was thrilled beyond measure when I found out they had decided to name her after me. It is such an honor.
Her big sister loves her to pieces. Mckenzie is so careful with Julia and does not appear to be jealous in the least. She always kisses her on the forehead in the most gentle of ways.

We got here 4 days before Julia arrived and we were able to help Chay finish his bathroom and the girls room. They both look very nice. Today, Aprils mother-in law painted the front room for April. I didn't do much except putty work and filled some of the cracks in the walls...but it looks nice, too. Gary left to go home Saturday, and I will fly home next week. I am looking forward to just sitting around holding this beautiful baby. What a JOY!!!

I know some of you are wondering about my state of health...I decided to wait to do any of the testing until after my visit with April. I am pretty tired and weak most of the time, but don't feel too bad. I will give you the details when I get them.
Thanks for your prayers and thoughts. I can literally feel your support. I love you!!!

 

 

Prayer works!!!

Thanks for the prayers. This has been the best week since I started treatment again. I was able to go camping for a few days. A dear friend came with me and we watched as the amish people put up a log cabin. We also picked a few huckleberries. I feel stronger and not so dizzy and light headed. I think I will be able to make it to April's blessed event. Tomorrrow i go in for my last treatment in this series...then I am off chemo for a few weeks. When I get home from April's I guess I will take all the tests over to see how I am really doing. Right now, it is just good to feel half way human...so not sure I want to know what is ahead.I love all of your comments and continued prayers in my behalf...you are all wonderful! Thanks again!

Your Prayers

I do try to stay positive, but today has been a terribly hard day for me. I had Chemo on Wednesday. Thursday and Friday were not too bad, as the steroids they give during Chemo help me feel better...but by Friday afternoon, I was wiped out again. I don't know how to explain how I feel...sort of dizzy, nauseated like I am pregnant all the time and about to throw up and sort of in a tunnel. It was so bad today that I only made it through Sacrament meeting and had to go home without teaching my laurel class...and that was soooo hard to miss...I cried all the way home.

My cancer Doc is not very positive, so before Chemo and during my weekly checkup last week, she said these symptoms were probably the brain cancer coming back and spreading. I think I have a sinus infection, and that is causing some of the symptoms. She put me on an antibiotic to see if I am correct. She wants to do all the testing again as soon as I am done with this round of chemo....the last one scheduled to take place on the 25th. But April's baby is due on the 10th of August, and I want to go to Utah and be with her for a week or so.

Right now I am not sure I am going to get to see her. If I feel like I have all day today, I will not be able to go. Could all of you do me a favor?? Could you please pray that I will feel well enough to go to April's and be there for the baby's birth? I know your prayers have sustained me before, and I am really having a hard time just now, so I would appreciate them very much. Thank you.

I am thankful for revelation

This picture was taken a few weeks ago when I had all my grand kids together. I am finding it much harder to post on my blog now that the weather is so nice...my computer room is hot, stuffy and just not appealing when it is beautiful outside!!

It was a good week...my off week for chemo. I actually thought I would feel better than I did...been really dizzy and just feel weird inside, but the last couple of days have been better. I had a blessing today after church, and they always give me encouragement and strength to keep going. It was a beautiful blessing, and i felt God's love so much!!!

On Thursday I start round 4 of Chemo. After three weeks I need to do the testing to see where I am and to see if the chemo did any good. I have decided to wait to do the testing until after April's baby is born. That way, regardless of the outcome, I can just enjoy this new little angel that is being sent our way.

The ward camp out was this week, and it was fun! I enjoyed it so much, even being dizzy!!! We also had a BBQ with some friends at the lake on the 4th. I think next week we will try camping again and perhaps I will feel like painting a little...hope so. Thanks for all of the cards, emails and letters you have sent to me...it seems so difficult to answer everyone...so I do hope you read this and know I am thinking of you and that I am so thankful for each and every one of your prayers and thoughts in my behalf. I have had so many kind deeds, dinners, visits, phone calls and notes given to me, that I am truly humbled by your love.

Today in church I taught the young woman about the gift of the Holy Ghost, and how it is the greatest gift we have on this earth because the Holy Ghost will help us to achieve Eternal Life, which is the greatest gift we can ever receive. I am so thankful for the gift of the Holy Ghost. I know that through the revelations I have received, those pure moments of knowledge from God, that I have been blessed beyond measure. In fact, everything I have and have been blessed with I have because of the Savior's love and this wonderful gift He promised to all those who seek Him.

Life is a blessing...thanks for your continued prayers.

Forgiveness? I am working on it...

I have not written in awhile. Chemo has been rough, plus I have been to Utah and April was here for a week. I have had much support from family and friends, and prayer gets me through almost every day. I am pretty weak, and that is discouraging at times...but the love and prayers and support from so many seems to sustain me and keeps me going.

Yesterday my oldest son and his wife spent the night and day with us. We all went to church together and it was so wonderful. Sometimes I look at my life and realize I do not have my health...and we don't have tons of money...but all the important things in life I have in great abundance. I have my faith...which is paramount. I have a wonderful, close family that would do anything for each other...a family of honest, upright children who chose the right and are Christlike in all their actions. I am married to a very moral and kind man who always thinks about others before he thinks about himself..a man that can look himself in the mirror each day and know he is living the way God wants him to live.

I also have so many wonderful friends...who call me or send me cards...who make dinner for me and come to see me. It is truly wonderful. Just this morning I had a dealing with someone who has little, if any moral character, and I wonder how they live with themselves on a day to day basis. So sad to me. If you cannot look in the mirror and say you treat others the way you want to be treated, then how do you wake up to yourselves each day? How to people live always trying to be one up on another person? It is just foreign to me.

Oh well...I just need to make sure my own heart is in the right place, and forgive these people. They know not what they do... Thank you Heavenly Father for your many, many blessings!!!

Early Morning

This is what I woke up to this morning. The air was crisp and cool and the fog was just lifting off the pasture. It was exilerating!!! Our home is in such a beautiful area and everytime I go outside I thank God for His creations.

We spent the weekend camping with Bryon and Lorena and AJ. Keith and the kids came up Friday night and spent the night and all day Saturday with us. Gary consented and brought up a motorcycle that Taylor could ride, and Bryon brought his bike and 4-wheeler, which made for alot of fun for everyone. We timed everything just right...got there just as the rain stopped, and left just as it was starting again. My hope is that happy memories were made.

When I was growing up, my parents traveled quite a bit, and we either had a tent or a camp trailer. I have fond memories of Yellowstone, the moon coming up on the Nevada desert, and the Oregon Coast. I loved the outdoors as a kid, and loved to explore. My grandchildren don't seem to like the outdoors very much...and it is sad to me. I do hope they will remember some good times camping with grandma!

Some friends of mine bought me an airline ticket to SLC to go to their daughter's wedding. I am so excited!!! I will stay with April and Chay while I am there and get to see how things are coming with their house. I feel good today and sure hope that for the next week I can keep up with everything!! When I was first waking up this morning, I thought of how much my prioroties have changed. All I really care about is being home and/or being with family and my dearest, closest friends. It made me realize even more how thankful I am that we are an eternal family. Now that I am facing the possibility of death every day, the deepest joys come from those I love the most.

Go outside today and listen to the birds. Smell a flower and let the sun warm you. Tell someone you love them. Let go of a worry and trust that God will take care of you. It is a beautiful day!!!!

Life is Good!

There is a little boy, 3 years old, in our ward named Jarom. His primary teacher told me that she asked him to say the closing prayer after class was over, and every other thing he prayed about was for me. He'd say, "Thank you for this day, and bless Sister Tomblin, and thank you for our teacher, and bless sister Tomblin, and thank you for my mommy and daddy, and bless Sister Tomblin..." I guess he said my name 13 times in his prayer. She reminded me that people really are praying for me!!! Thanks to ALL of you!!!

Another friend came by today and shared a very personal trial that their family went through. Nothing seemed to be going as promised by the Lord, and after 8 years of this heartache in their lives, a miracle suddenly occured, and her husband was healed. The sweet thing for me was that she shared it, hoping to give me the strength to keep doing Chemo. I do #2 of round two today if all is well with my blood counts. We are taking this one at a time. I have not felt very good this week, so it is hard to keep going. But yesterday I felt good enough to work in the yard. It was a beautiful day, and really lifted my spirits!!

Mother's Day my children and grandchildren were all here (except April, Chay and Mckenzie, and we missed them horribly). They all got together and gave me a really nice camera. We had a wonderful day together. I also felt good enough to go to church and teach my laurels. They are such incredible girls, and they help me be strong and want to keep going. My sister called to say hello.

Several friends came by today to encourage me. I am sooo blessed, and can feel their love and support. One friend offered to fly me to his daughter's wedding in Utah if I was up to it. I could stay with April!! I hope I am able to go!! Life is good. It is harder than I ever imagined sometimes, too...but good.

Home

It was so nice to go to church today with the people I love so much. It was good to hear familiar testimonies and see familiar faces. Everyone was so nice, and seemed happy to see me. I loved Sunday School and Young Women's. It was wonderful to see some of my laurels today.

The past two days I have felt a little better...especially yesterday. Bryon and Lorena came over for awhile and Bryon worked on his truck. Lorena and I went for a short walk, and it was heavenly to be outside. I even had enough energy to clean up my kitchen and do some laundry.

I am pretty tired tonight after going to church and having company, and tomorrow I have a Dr's. appointment with Joni. I suppose if my blood looks okay, she will want to do another round of chemo on me soon. I must tell you, I don't want to do it. I am just now feeling halfway human again.

The Bishop spoke today of the strength we get from reading the scriptures and praying, and even though we hear this all of the time, I know it is true. It has been hard for me to do these two things as of late because I have felt so sick, but the past three days I have really tried to pray and study, and I can already tell the difference. My outlook is better and I am more at peace...more willing to trust what the Lord has planned for me.

It is so nice to be home.

A Bump in the Road

I went to my cancer Doctor here last Tuesday for a check up. I was having a little trouble breathing and my legs were swelling, so she sent me for a CT of my chest. Sure enough...I had blood clots in my lungs. They were not in the main arteries, which was a good thing...and all I could do was thank Heavenly Father for sparing my life once more. I think I got them sometime over the weekend with April, and I could have easily died. I have been giving myself shots of fragment...a blood thinner, all week, been on strict bed rest and now I am on cumadin again. I saw Joni again yesterday and she said I am a walking miracle, but she decided to hold off for a week or so with my second round of Chemo. I felt so bunk yesterday that I told her if she did chemo on me this week, it would kill me. She sort of agreed. On the bright side, I do feel quite a bit better today, and I think I will go outside and work in my pansy patch...taking it really easy, of course. When the gal that was running the CT scanner saw the clots, she was so sweet to me, and she said, "Well, this is just another bump in the road." I liked that...helped me put it in perspective. I am still alive. I can still feel the cool breeze and hold AJ on my lap and play peekaboo with her. Like Joette said to me yesterday, "Mom, we still need your presence in our lives." Today is the beginning of a new week!

Home at Last!

I got home about midnight last night. The last week in Tulsa was extremely difficult to get through. I got to the point that I could not even go near the caffeteria as the smell made me so sick. I had Gary take me out to eat every day, just so I could eat something. The final TOMO treatments to the brain were also very taxing...and the only way I made it through them was to pray and count my blessings the entire time. Will I go back in three months? Not sure if I can.

We were fortunate to be able to have a three day layover in SLC, so I got to see April, Chay and Mckenzie. We stayed in a hotel close to the home they bought. They cannot live there yet, and are staying with Chay's sister. They are refinishing the old hardwood floors, and living out of boxes...so it was best to help where we could and visit when they had time. Gary helped Chay with staining the floors. Hopefully, by the end of this week they will be able to move in.

While I was gone, the Relief Society came in and deep cleaned my entire house. It looked so beautiful when I got home last night, I just cried!!! It was so wonderful of them to get to the high areas of my home that have been neglected for the past several years, and to have everything shine!!!

I start my second round of Chemo this Thursday here. I am a little worried about my heart, as in the past couple of days I have had edema really bad. I see my ONC here tomorrow, and I guess she will see how I am fairing and if I can do the rest of the Chemo regiment. I am not looking forward to it, that is for sure.

On the bright side...it was a beautiful day today...I went out to my garden and sat for awhile and just took in the sunshine. My children all came to see me tonight...it was nice to be with them all again. It is really good to be home. Really good!

Tears of Pure Joy

Last Thursday night I had another round of chemo, so on Friday I was pretty sick, tired, emotional...all that goes with it. I can hardly stand t0 go into the cafeteria here any more..just cannot stand the smell, but because I had basically been in my room all day, i went down to dinner with Gary. We were at the back of the dining room and had finished eating, when out of the corner of my eye I caught a glimpse of a young man way up at the front desk of the lobby that resembled Bryon. I immediately started to cry, and told Gary that I had seen someone who looked so much like Bryon that it made me so homesick. I just sat there and wept and wanted to leave that very minute and come home.

We stayed in the cafeteria for a few minutes longer, and then headed to the lobby. Just as we were about to round the corner to the elevator, my two, wonderful sons walked around the corner. The first thing out of my mouth was, "Oh my gosh....it WAS Bryon that I saw." I ran into their arms and cried and laughed and hugged and then did it all over again!!! The lobby was filled with people that witnessed the scene, and many of them were in tears also. MY BOYS!!!
MY BOYS!!! They had flown all the way here to spend the weekend with me and to surprise me and to give me the courage to keep going!!! What devotion! What love! What a sacrifice! In all my life I do not think I have had anything done for me that has touched me more or meant more to me than them coming!!! I liken it to greeting our loved ones beyond the veil.

We had a great weekend! We took the boys out for dinner and got them their room...poor Keith had a terrible headache that made him sick. Bryon brought us back to the clinic, and before he left I was hugging him and expressing my concern at how much this had cost him to come. He held me tenderly in his arms and said, "Mom....money is just temporal...families are forever. You mean more to us than any money does."

On Saturday, with their rental car, we were able to escape the hospital here and go to Oklahoma City. We saw the capitol building, the Federal Memorial Bombing sight, and we ate at one of the top ten best things to do in Oklahoma...the Cattleman's Steakhouse. It was the best steak I have ever eaten, and though I am not eating very well...I ate the entire thing. We drove back to Tulsa, took a nap, and then went out for a treat.

Sunday morning, my heart took a picture as Gary and I were sitting in the lobby waiting for the boys to come for breakfast. I watched them walk from their car to the lobby, in the brilliant sunlight, dressed in white shirts and ties, ready to go to church with me. Pure JOY!!! We went to church, and because the cafeteria was closed when we got out, we did take them to dinner. They came up to our room for awhile, and then it was time for them to fly out. Gary went down with them to see them off...but I sat on the bed and watched them out the window until they drove off, all the time thanking my Father in Heaven for all of the blessings He has bestowed upon me...my family being the greatest.

Yesterday in church the lesson was on the miracle of the loaves and the fishes, and how we go to the Lord with such a little bit of nothing and offer it to him, and he takes what little we have and blesses us and the masses around us. That is what the Lord has done for me. I, alone am so nothing, and yet with His presence in my life I have been able to raise an incredible loving family who have, in turn, reached out to bless so many, especially me. When we do our best to turn our lives over to God, He will make so much more of it then we could ever have hoped for. Thank you, God, for two sons, (and their supportive, wonderful wives) who thought enough of their mother to come this weekend. I will never forget this, or be able to talk about it without crying...crying tears of pure joy.

A New Day!!!

Hi to all those I love out there!!! This has been a better week. it started out a little rough as I was sick again, but we decided it was o couple of the meds I was on, and I am doing much better. I also was bummed because I thought I had to stay here another week, but I don't, so It means we can start heading home between the 18th and 20th!!! Hurray! IfI am up to it after this weeks treatments, we are flying into SLC and taking a two or three day layover to go see April and her home she just moved into.

My brother, Billy, got here Tuesday afternoon, and he is leaving tomorrow to go back to Tennessee. It has been so wonderful to see him and spend time with Sharlene and him. Today we are going to the Will Rogers Museum and out to lunch. I do another round of Chemo tonight and am starting my heavy-duty brain treatments this afternoon, so I might be out of commission here for a few more days...so he picked the perfect time to come, and he has been great medicine for my soul!!!

Thanks to all of you for your comments and emails!!! It is so special to me to know I am loved and being prayed for by so many. I cannot possibly answer all of you, but please know that I am eternally grateful to each of you!!!

This is truely a wonderful place, and I have met some beautiful people here. God, in His wisdom teaches me each day about how to love by the example of sooo many. I can't wait to be home to see my friends and family and to teach my laurel class!!! Oh, how I miss my girls!!
Love to you all!!!

Homesick

I just called Keith's house and talked to Ashlee. She was so sweet and said she missed me so much, that now I am just a bag of tears. Being away from home is so hard when you are this sick. I am so thankful Sherry is here, but even that is hard, as I feel I am putting her out. It is hard to be so dependent on people when you have always been so independent.

Also some days are filled with hope and others are , well just days of endurance, waiting for the next shoe to fall, I guess. I hope it is okay to get sad once in awhile...like when I haven't heard from a special friend for a few days, or when I get tired of seeing sooooo many afflicted with this disease, or just when the pain gets to me and I am tired. And this is a tired like none other. It goes to the very bone,

I finally felt well enough to have my second round of chemo yesterday and I've had two rounds of radiation this week. The Doc's have me on a nutrition pack that I carry around with me all day long, and I am sure it is helping me not be so sick.I also got to get out of this prison for awhile this morning and buy some new duds. I honestly do not know how to buy clothes for myself anymore, as I have lost so much weight, I am not sure what to wear. I can't help thinking I shouldn't spend very much...so it is hard.

Sorry, tonight is a downer night. I am tired, and I just want to give up the fight right now. I need to tuck myself into bed with a good prayer and things will look brighter tomorrow. Good night.

Sunday Morning

It is very early Sunday morning...found myself unable to sleep...but I can always snooze later. Yesterday was such a better day...starting with conference...which was so amazing and touched my heart so deeply. I also felt well enough to leave the clinic and go out to play Easter Bunny for my grandkids. And the blessings keep coming in. My friend, Sherry, who has been my right hand and left foot all week, holding my head and getting me every little thing I have needed, was in the hall way and had a conversation with a woman who was headed home, cancer free, for two years running after coming here with breast cancer that had spread to in lungs and bones.

While I was a t Wal-Mart yesterday, hobbling around in my walker (and then driving a scooter), a very kind woman stopped and asked me is I had had surgery. I explained my cancer briefly to her and she told me that she had had pancreatic cancer and had been cancer free for two years. These things give me hope. I know my Father in Heaven is with me continually. I am looking forward to more of conference today. Thanks, Stan, for the lap-top!!!

What I am so impressed with this place is that when I got sick from treatment, they did everythong possible to make me feel better and get to the root of it. I have been on an IV pump for three days now getting my body fluids and vitamins back into correct funtion. They have literally thought of everything here...it is an amazing place.

Nauseating

I never imagined a person could get this sick and still be alive. Radiation to the brain is horrible to say the least, and I have thrown up so hard and so long I have to keep checking to see if I still have my toenails or not. Ooops...gotta go..

Walk With Christ

Gary left today at 1:00 p.m. and I had an appointment with physical therapy at 3:00 p.m. to be fitted for a cane. After testing my strength, the therapist concluded that I would be best served by a walker. Before that even sunk in, he handed me one and had me walk down the hall with it. Part way down the hall we stopped where another woman with advanced cancer was sitting and he asked if we could use her walker which was the “Cadillac” of walkers with a seat and brakes. I tried her walker and it worked a lot better and was really nice. As I was returning it to her, suddenly I was overwhelmed with the realization that a walker might be a permanent fixture for the rest of my life, and I lost it. My emotions just welled up inside of me. I couldn’t even hear the conversations around me. All I wanted was my room where I could really let down and cry. I felt alone, abandoned, and forsaken by God . . . all of these emotions rushing up inside of me.
Back in my room, just as I had explained it all to a friend via email and had pushed the send button, the phone rang.

It was the concierge telling me that I had a guest in the lobby. He went on to explain that she said she had met me on Sunday at church and just wanted to stop by and see if I needed anything. I told him I would be right down to meet her; but inside I was a little upset that a stranger had interrupted my cry. I took my time wiping my eyes and blowing my nose and making my way downstairs. When I got to the lobby, the first thing I noticed was that she was holding a book titled “Walk with Christ”. And then she proceeded to stumble through the explanation of why she had come to see me. She told me that she was also a visitor to Tulsa, having come from Colorado to visit family; and had heard my testimony on the previous day and decided that I needed to read this book. The book is a 14 day, pre-Easter program to help the reader draw closer to Christ. Standing there listening to this complete stranger, knowing that she was out of her comfort zone yet offering help to me in any way she could, touched me so deeply, i started to cry again for another, sweeter reason. She went on to say that she had felt prompted to come to me, that she had never done this kind of thing but was wanting to follow the spirit. We wound up talking to each other as though we were life long friends; with so much in common. The entire experience reminded me that Heavenly Father is always so aware of us . . . even when we feel alone. And even though this cancer journey smothers me with difficulty at times, I know that my Savior is walking with me and that He does and will and is sending angels to hold me up.

Thank you for your support

First, I must thank my family for their support. It is so good to hear from them on this blog. I love you, Billy. I heard from Linda that you have had your own struggles this year. I will try to call you soon. Thank you so much for your words of love and support, they meant more to me than you can ever know. And thanks to all of you for your comments and emails.

Gary is leaving Tulsa today. He has done well to last here this long. We have much to get caught up on at home. My friend from Moses Lake, Sherry, is coming to spend the next 10 days or so with me. I will be receiving Chemo and radiation, and they tell me I will be pretty sick, so I have to have someone here with me at all times. I have cancer pretty much everywhere. It is in my brain in 3 spots, my lungs and many of my bones. I do not have it in any other organs. Today I am being fitted for a cane, as radiation will weaken my hip and femur area to the point it could be broken easily.

We found a ward here and have attended the past two Sundays. The people are so nice, and many of them have approached us asking about family and friends in the Spokane area. Yesterday, I was given a sweet blessing by the bishopric to help me with get through the radiation this week. We were also give names of priesthood we can call for anything we might need. The church is incredible, and just as true in Tulsa as anywhere in the world.

April moved this past weekend. Joette is with her, helping out. I talked to both the boys last night. I am blessed to have a very supportive and wonderful family. I also apologize for not getting every individal email answered. Please know I love hearing from you, and especially need your prayers at this time. As I feel better, I will write to all of you! God Bless.

Spring is a miracle!

Today I get my port and start the first round of chemo. Could I ask that everyone to please keep me in their prayers? Pray that the chemo will kill the cancer and that I will be able to tolerate it. Thank you so much. Thanks, April for reminding me that we do believe in miracles. I do feel a great amount of peace in my heart this morning. Thanks to all of you for your comments and emails in my behalf! I know such wonderful people and have such devoted friends and family...it is almost surreal to me.

Gary will stay through the weekend, or until I find out how long I will be here for radiation. He needs to get home as he has an appointment with a cardiologist. Some part of his stress test did not look good. Sherry might come and stay for a week or so with me....all depends on how long radiation will last. She has agreed to help if she can, which is so very sweet of her.

Yesterday we met with the naturopaths and got all the supplements I need to take to fight cancer. They were the neatest two guys...they had so much love and light about them. Everyone here seems to be like that. What a remarkable place this is...but sad that so many people are plagued with this disease.

I am going to have another granddaughter!!! Congrats, April! I am soooo excited. Her and Mckenzie will be best friends for sure! That was wonderful news yesterday. It is also warm and sunny here. Life is good! Gather those you love and hold them close. Tell them you love them. Serve them in some small way today. I love you all!

A New Day

It is very early in the morning. I wanted to get this posted for all of you who are waiting the news from yesterday.

Seems my cancer has spread just about everywhere. It is all thorugh my back, hips, left femur, lungs and...sorry to say I even have 3 spots in my brain. None of my other organs are affected as of yet, which is good.

I am set up to get my port for chemo tomorrow and have an appointment with the Rad Onc for Friday. He will determine if I can have radiation to the spots on my brain or not. It is scary, as I do not know how or if this will change my personality.

Gary will stay here until the first chemo session is over and I have started radiation, but then he would like to go home for a week or so before returning, as we have much that needs to be done there...besides the poor guy is bored out of his mind. I am hoping I can talk a friend into coming for a week or so, as I need a caregiver here in order to stay.

The pain management Doc gave me a patch to wear, and it was wonderful for about 12 hours, and then I started throwing up...never felt so sick in my life. I am hoping when I see them today they can find something that works as well as it did without the side affects.

I am strangely at peace with all of this...oh, I did cry some yesterday and probably will again...but I know so many of you are praying for me, and so many of you have sent your love and support, that one way or another I will get through this. I feel Heavenly Father's love through each of you and I am learning so much about the power of love and how it truly does heal the soul. Each of you are teaching me so much every day.. Honestly, it has blown me away. Thank you so much for your love and support. Keep those prayers coming....I can actually feel them sustaining me.

CTCA

I can hear someone playing a piano softly from a room just below me. This place is beginning to feel a little like home. Our room is very small, but new and it is clean. The food is very delicious, organic and it costs Gary and I together, $15.00 a day. Just down the hall from us is a laundry room, with free facilities, and next to our room is a pantry, stalked with drinks and snacks, all free. I am in a quiet room, as it is called, with a nice computer, printer and desk and a couple of chairs, again, all free to use. Each floor has a similar layout.

Yesterday we were chauffeured in a limo to the auto show. We also went to a flea market. We can go anywhere with in reason, and they will take us, no charge. Today we went to church. The drivers tell us that this is a wonderful place to work...very rewarding. The atmosphere is somewhat sad, though...so many dealing with this terrible disease. It enters in the back door of people's lives from all over the country, taking them by surprise. One lady told me today that she was ready to go home to Heavenly Father, but her husband could not part with her yet.

Church was wonderful. The Stake patriarch spoke on the power of blessings and how we need never doubt the messages received therein. It was for me for sure. I needed the boost of faith. The Relief Society president had me tell the sisters what I was doing here, and then she took my name and number down. She said she would do anything for me...just to let her know. It was so sweet and humbling. A couple of sisters said they would pray for me as I was leaving...sisters I don't even know.

Tomorrow I will finish up all my testing, and Tuesday I will know how bad and what, if anything, they can do for me here. I am waiting on the miracle. I have had so many already...I do not want to sound ungrateful. I am blown away at the love expressed in my behalf. Thanks for the emails everyone!!! And your prayers of support and faith. I will report again tomorrow.

For all of you!!!

It is Sunday morning in Tulsa. The past 4 days have flown by. First of all, I have to thank my Father in Heaven for the sisters of the 17th Ward and all of their love and participation in the Birthday dinner Program. I felt showered with charity and I feel so much love for the sisters in our family. When the Laurels wrote and sang me a song, I could not believe the love I felt from my girls!! Thank you. Your support and tender caring is truly sustaining me.

After arriving here shortly past noon on Thursday, I was immediately wisked away into appointments. I have already seen the onc, had a bunch of blood work done, had bone and pet scans taken and tomorrow I am sceduled for 3 different CT scans, an appointment with the naturpath and the pain management team. The facility is very nice and the food is good, cheap, and all organic.

I will have all the results back by Tuesday and will meet with my team of Docs that day. They will then tell me what they can and cannot do for me. At this point, I plan on staying for treatment if it is an option. Gary might stay a day or two longer...but he is getting pretty bored hanging around here. I am concerned at how well I will do, and how weak I will become with treatment, but I think they will take good care of me here.

I love you all. This is probably the easiest for me to do...just send out my blog address and write one letter every day or so. You can either email me or comment on my blog, which goes directly to my email. Thank you for your continued prayers. The Doc's asked what kind of a support system I had in place, and I got pretty emotional thinking about all of your love and prayers in my behalf. I will write more as soon as I know more.

Graditude

Today I am grateful that my oldest son called and said that his family fasted and prayed for me yesterday. I am also thankful that 2 friends dropped by to see me, and one of them brought me dinner...yummy!!! I also got a call from two of my closest friends and each just let me cry and talk. They both wanted to know about the blessing yesterday and what my plan of attack is now. I also got to visit with Joette when she came home from FHE, and that was wonderful. My chiropractor helped my back and hip feel a little better after he worked me over today. And I got a nice call from a friend of mine who has had cancer three times. He is always a voice of hope, and he said such nice things to me today that helped me to know my life has not been wasted.

Life is good, and Heavenly Father is giving me strength through others. I just wanted to thank Him for always being near. He knows who to send and what I need. Oh, I also had my life sketch class here today and started writing about my brother Billy. Such sweet memories I have of him. I miss him so much. He doesn't even know I have cancer. But enough of sorrow...tonight I am thankful to have been surrounded by love for one more day.

Meet Isaac. He is my grandson. I took this picture last summer. We were in our favorite swimming hole on the CDA river, and it was such a pretty day. I remember hearing a song once that said, "My heart took a picture that day." That is how i feel about this camping trip. I will never forget how we sat around the campfire and had a family home evening that night, and how Isaac sat and took it all in. I know he felt the spirit. I am so thankful for my family. You are such incredible supports when times are hard. I know that families are eternal, and we will have these and other sacred times forever.

Juicer

I need to redeem my son. He and his wife came tonight and they bought me a new juicer. It was so sweet of him!!! He also helped his dad with a project. I got a little sleep today, and I can't believe how much better things look when you are not soooooo tired.

Awakenings

I woke up in the middle of the night again. I keep trying hard not to take a sleeping pill, but this is what happens when I don’t. The pain is such that once I wake up I cannot go back to sleep.

Can I use this space and time to vent a little? I am loosing the battle with cancer. Everyone keeps saying, “You have to remain positive.” But I have tried everything and anything that has come along. I have done the diet, sat in the sauna, taken the tea and the supplements until I want to throw up, and still, deep down inside, I know I am loosing. My arm is starting to hurt again. I go somewhere and I am so tired I can barely make it home. My breathing is getting harder. I have two choices, as I see it. I can go on chemo, and perhaps get a little better for a short while, or I can continue to die slowly; and painfully. Cancer involves a lot of pain. Not just physically, but emotionally.

This is hard…so hard. I want to see my daughter married. I want to see April’s house and her new baby born. I want to finish an art project for Bryon and Gary. I want to finish my life history and my “Yellow Roses” book. I want to live. I want to love and serve more. But deep down I know I am running out of time. Every night I go to bed with the hopes of waking up feeling better, and every morning I feel just a little bit worse than the day before.

I don’t see the family very much, except Jo Jo, as she lives here. I am so thankful for her. Some nights we talk in her bedroom…like old times. It gives me so much to look forward to. I think it has been over a month since I have seen one of my sons. Maybe it is easier for him not to come around. I used to invite all of the kids for dinner every other week or so, but I am too tired to do that anymore. But April calls almost everyday. She got a new home, and I am so glad she has something to look forward to, especially if I don’t make it. I am so thankful that she calls just to talk to me. I think she will have the hardest time when I am gone.

I try to stay busy, even though I am so tired. I have a life history class here on Monday mornings and a painting class on Thursday afternoons. I have painted a few things, and I occasionally feel like cleaning the house, but that is getting harder all of the time. I am so thankful for Gary. He does all the shopping and keeps the laundry and dishes up. I am afraid that soon he will have to do all the cooking. Does someone want to come and clean my bathrooms? They are getting nasty, and the thought of doing a really thorough job just wears me to a frazzle.

Which brings me to my last struggle: My Patriarchal blessing and other blessings have hinted that I will throw this off. My home teacher told me I needed more faith. I have always had a lot of faith, and I do not get this. I don’t think very many people have my kind of faith. But the windows of heaven seem to be closed to me right now. I pour out my soul and nobody is listening. Perhaps because I do think this is unfair. I have served my God with all my heart. I have done everything He has asked me to do. I stuck it out and stayed the course when others would have dropped the torch. No, I know I am far from perfect, but God, I have tried really hard to give my entire life to you. Where are you now…now when I need you the most?

I am sorry, that is not fair. I do see Him all around me. A friend gave me a dozen roses just two days ago. A week ago, the sisters in my ward honored me and read a beautiful letter written to me by my daughter. The bishop gave me a sweet, sweet blessing. The list goes on and on, so please don’t think me ungrateful. I am so thankful for all the love, especially from friends. I’m just tired. I want God to heal me now or take me home. Maybe, just maybe I can go back to sleep now. Things will look brighter in the morning.

Love and Life

I have decided that dying is not all that bad. People have been so nice. I have had tons of friends who have come to see me and most of them come with something to share, in hopes of saving my life. I have heard from friends and family that I don't normally hear from, I have been showered with gifts, I have had parties thrown in my behalf, and yesterday I was honored at a luncheon wherein a beautiful letter to me from my daughter, April, was read. I think it was the finest tribute ever made to me in letter form. Another friend of mine, with a very critical heart disease who is going through a similar experience suggested we get together and have our own wake!! I think we will do that soon!!

In reality, it is all quite humbling and overwhelming. I am so thankful for those of you who have told me that they loved me before it is too late. You have taught me so very much about charity. How do I ever make it up to you? How can I ever show and tell you how much you have meant to my life and what a beautiful dimension you have all brought to me? You have made my life mean something; made it worth living; have brought laughter and joy and a reason to get out of bed each day. Thank you for being so very kind. I love you!!!!

Lost , and Then was Found

My daughter and granddaughter left yesterday. It is always hard for me to see them leave...especially since the return of cancer. Earlier this week I saw the CT scan of my lungs...(not a very pretty picture). So, needless to say, I was really bummed last night. I finally turned early this morning to the only real source of peace I know. Why does it take me so long to pour our my soul to Heavenly Father? In my defense I can only say I have felt somewhat forsaken as of late, and then worried I am troubling Him with trite requests, with nothing to offer Him in return. And yet, when I went to Him in prayer this morning, I quietly asked for three simple things, and one by one, just like clock work, they were answered for me today. On days like today, I am so surprised and humbled; being made so very aware that Heavenly Father knows everything about me and truly desires to bless me and take the unbearable and make it bearable; to take my burdens and make them light; to hold me in His arms and let me cry, and then wipe my tears of distress away. I believe after I spend some time in thanksgiving tonight, hope will look much brighter tomorrow.