Awakenings

I woke up in the middle of the night again. I keep trying hard not to take a sleeping pill, but this is what happens when I don’t. The pain is such that once I wake up I cannot go back to sleep.

Can I use this space and time to vent a little? I am loosing the battle with cancer. Everyone keeps saying, “You have to remain positive.” But I have tried everything and anything that has come along. I have done the diet, sat in the sauna, taken the tea and the supplements until I want to throw up, and still, deep down inside, I know I am loosing. My arm is starting to hurt again. I go somewhere and I am so tired I can barely make it home. My breathing is getting harder. I have two choices, as I see it. I can go on chemo, and perhaps get a little better for a short while, or I can continue to die slowly; and painfully. Cancer involves a lot of pain. Not just physically, but emotionally.

This is hard…so hard. I want to see my daughter married. I want to see April’s house and her new baby born. I want to finish an art project for Bryon and Gary. I want to finish my life history and my “Yellow Roses” book. I want to live. I want to love and serve more. But deep down I know I am running out of time. Every night I go to bed with the hopes of waking up feeling better, and every morning I feel just a little bit worse than the day before.

I don’t see the family very much, except Jo Jo, as she lives here. I am so thankful for her. Some nights we talk in her bedroom…like old times. It gives me so much to look forward to. I think it has been over a month since I have seen one of my sons. Maybe it is easier for him not to come around. I used to invite all of the kids for dinner every other week or so, but I am too tired to do that anymore. But April calls almost everyday. She got a new home, and I am so glad she has something to look forward to, especially if I don’t make it. I am so thankful that she calls just to talk to me. I think she will have the hardest time when I am gone.

I try to stay busy, even though I am so tired. I have a life history class here on Monday mornings and a painting class on Thursday afternoons. I have painted a few things, and I occasionally feel like cleaning the house, but that is getting harder all of the time. I am so thankful for Gary. He does all the shopping and keeps the laundry and dishes up. I am afraid that soon he will have to do all the cooking. Does someone want to come and clean my bathrooms? They are getting nasty, and the thought of doing a really thorough job just wears me to a frazzle.

Which brings me to my last struggle: My Patriarchal blessing and other blessings have hinted that I will throw this off. My home teacher told me I needed more faith. I have always had a lot of faith, and I do not get this. I don’t think very many people have my kind of faith. But the windows of heaven seem to be closed to me right now. I pour out my soul and nobody is listening. Perhaps because I do think this is unfair. I have served my God with all my heart. I have done everything He has asked me to do. I stuck it out and stayed the course when others would have dropped the torch. No, I know I am far from perfect, but God, I have tried really hard to give my entire life to you. Where are you now…now when I need you the most?

I am sorry, that is not fair. I do see Him all around me. A friend gave me a dozen roses just two days ago. A week ago, the sisters in my ward honored me and read a beautiful letter written to me by my daughter. The bishop gave me a sweet, sweet blessing. The list goes on and on, so please don’t think me ungrateful. I am so thankful for all the love, especially from friends. I’m just tired. I want God to heal me now or take me home. Maybe, just maybe I can go back to sleep now. Things will look brighter in the morning.