My husband friend

I had a fun time Saturday. I took Alyssa out to buy her a birthday present, and then we went out to eat. She is such a wonderfully mature girl. She helped me pick out a birthday toy for Mckenzie, too. I am looking forward to our projects we do each year for Christmas together...just me, one on one with my grandkids.

I also got to go hear my daughter-in law teach a lesson in which she had Joette sing and play a song that Joette wrote. It was all so nice. Gary said a prayer in church that was just incredible. We left church early today...I was really struggling, but Gary is so good to me, and I appreciate him so much. He has turned into the best listener these past few months. Sometimes a person (woman) just needs to cry. They don't need anything fixed, they just need to hear themselves think and then they work it out on their own. Gary has been that kind of friend to me. Have a great week.

Celebration of Life

It has been awhile since i have posted a blog. I have been very busy trying to get Christmas wrapped up, plus I have spent most of this week taking tests to see where the cancer is or is not. I will know more on Tuesday of next week. The family was here for Thanksgiving, all except April, Chay and family...and we missed them terribly. We did enjoy each other though and did a little planning for Christmas. Linda was wonderful and had April come to her house for dinner. I was so glad they had a lace to go.

Some days it is hard to write on my blog. I get so emotional that I am afraid I am chasing everyone away. I feel very lonely at times and then very busy...not sure how I am going to do everything I planned on doing. When you are marked to die, you definitely look at life differently than you did before...I just want to cram everything I can into every single day. Sad thing being that I just don't feel very good. I cannot remember anything! The other day gary and I had the dumbest fight. I told him that if he'd get a squash that we raised this summer and clean it, I would bake it for dinner. We both wound up cleaning the humongous ting, and then Gary asked me if I had turned on the oven. I hadn't and he got mad a me and I threw squash at him...it was awful...but we did laugh about it later. I just hate being reminded that I am slowly loosing my mind. I understand it is easy to freak out occasionally when you are taking all the drugs I am taking.

I am hoping that I can take some more time off from Chemo in December...and if the chemo has stopped working, i guess I will get my wish...so it is a hard thing to wish for. Oh, by the way, I am having a celebration of life party on the 17th from 6 to 9 PM. It is sort of an open house with entertainment, so I hope many of you will come. Should be lots of friends here and lots of fun. I've told everyone I am throwing my own wake!!!!

Keep in touch when you can...I sure miss everyone!!! I will try to write more.

A NEW DAY!!

It Quit Raining, I am ready to fight some more. The blessing said I have more to do, more people to love and embrace...more to learn. My tumor markers are going up, but I can fight back with the Candida diet. I am still here...still trying!

Rain

Some days are just harder than others. You wake up to a drizzle and it doesn't let up all day. You fight with everyone you know and are told things you can barely stand to hear and by 5:00 PM it is a torrential down pour of icky mud everywhere you go. I finally asked for a blesssing...but even that did not help much. I was told Jesus would hold me in his arms if I just sought after Him. Last night, I prayed and it was all I had to give. Today I just want to give up. Would it be okay? I am so tired. If ever I needed the Savior, it is tonight. I have so little left to give...so little energy. Are we talking quality of life or quantity? I Need Thee Every Hour.

Come, Listen to a prophets voice!!!!

It is still such a beautiful Fall day. I am thankful for the sunshine and blue skies. I have been keeping busy sewing the past three of four days...i made buntings for my granddaughter and Jeans for the other one....kind of fun, I am just using up old pants I have and my supply of fleece. I think this Christmas i will attempt not to spend any money unless it is for home food storage and 72 hour kits. After watching the news last week with all the disasters going on all around us, I decided to help get my family ready in case we have a real need. Lorena's entire family is in Villahernosa, and the city is under 85% water due to a torrential rain fall that hit early last week. We have cousins in San Diego and I lived in San Bernardino for a time, and I guess you just never think these things can happen to you .

My thought for today then is to stop buying the unnecessary things, listen to the brethren...get out of debt and get as much food storage in as you possibly can. Wheat has already gone up $3 a bushel and now that the farmers are raising corn for fuel, all the meat prices will jump sky high, too

The trouble is we all know what we need to do, but it so easy to put off and just not think about. "If ye are prepared, ye need not fear." Lets all get prepared together. Lorena's folks are sharing everything they have with those that are standed. I hope I can be at the giving end when it happens to us. Remember the grasshoper and the ant?

The power of the Atonement

Below are my two granddaughters. The pictures were taken the Sunday Julia Kaye was blessed and given a name. I came home today after being away eleven days. It was hard to leave these two precious girls.I cried and Mckenzie cried.

I did quite a bit of reflecting while I was staying with April. For one, I am so thankful that she is in a large family with lots of active members of the church that live close by. I was able to spend a little while with my niece and my sister, and I am thankful that they are close by for her. You start to think in terms of "how will my children do after I am gone", and you look for all the positive signs you can find close to them. It isn't important to me if they succeed financially, only that they have what they need. If they stay close to the Lord and His Church, they will have success in ways they can not even comprehend now.

I had a wonderful break, but I must admit, I am already struggling with just being home again and dealing with everyday life and everyday cancer. The Docs say I am doing just great, and I feel like, .........! I ask myself every day how am I ever going to do this. Today I read a beautiful quote on LDS Gems. It said,

"The Atonement of Jesus Christ and the healing it offers do much more than provide the opportunity for repentance from sins. The Atonement also
gives us the strength to endure 'pains and afflictions and temptations
of every kind,' because our Savior also took upon Him 'the pains
and the sicknesses of his people' (Alma 7:11). Brothers and sisters, if
your faith and prayers and the power of the priesthood do not heal you from
an affliction, the power of the Atonement will surely give you the strength
to bear the burden." Dallin H. Oaks

I know I need to pray harder and more sincere to be able to see my way through this, because it is hard....really hard. I feel so alone in the struggle sometimes. Today on the flight home I sat by a woman who was a member of the church...flying out to see her children in Seattle.We became instant friends and she has had her share of hard times...and it felt good to share with her my cancer story and how hard it is and how frightened I am of the coming pain. Not of death, I have had enough spiritual experiences in my life to know that God is real and that their is a heaven where there is no longer pain and suffering... but I shared with her the question of will I be able to endure the never ending pain? I shared with her that I will only make it if God will hold my hand. In sharing these thoughts with this stranger/sister, I felt her love and compassion pass over me with it's own kind of peace. I honestly felt she understood what I feel, and that has been hard to express to those closest to me. Tomorrow is another day...and I will do my best to lean on the Savior and the blessed people he has and will contineu to place in my path.

Who's On the Lord's Side, Who?

I am at my daughter's home, hugging my grandbabies. I am safe and warm. Her house is cute, small, and cozy, and though it needs a little work...I love it...it feels secure. It is not on fire somewhere, or under threat of flood or bombs. I am a Cristian and can worship as I please, go to church when I want, say my prayers wherever I want and don't have to be afraid to voice my opinion about the candidates or politics.



Yesterday I received a letter from a SGT stationed in Iraq that touched my soul in the deepest possible way. It was about how prayer had preserved his life so many times, and because of this, He knows we are fighting a war against good and evil, against right and wrong .



As the rhetoric continues and the tempers flare, as the politicians make there stand...my prayer is that you stay informed...especially viewing the Fox news network, listening to Laural Ingraham and Glenn Beck. We have to win this war. Our very religion is at stake unless a peaceful solution can be reached. I know many of you don't like to think about such things, but the Christian way of life is being torn apart in every corner and threatened on every front. Radical Islam has vowed to annihilate the Christian faith. How many, once they have bombed our borders or invaded our cities will be able to say you or your children that theirhomes are safe and warm and grandbabies are safe and warm. Get informed, support our troops, pray for the proper commanders to be placed where they need to be, and pray for my friend, who's partial letter I have enclosed. God bless this soldier...God Bless America.


"One last testament to the belief in God before we leave. An update: We
will be out of this popsicle stand next week. A few odds and ends need tied, but overall we are complete. On Oct 17th, for those who do not know, an insurgent element attempted to take my life with a grenade. It wasn't personal; he would have tried to throw it at any opportunity target in the area. I was not supposed to be there that day. An additional duty was willfully skirted to join my platoon on this final run to a location. Before rolling out the gate the words "Dear God, protect us as we roll out the gate. Send your angels before us to clear the path and if Michael isn't too busy please ask him to join." Nothing grandiose, sweet, short, to the point and the message is not something that needs much explanation because He knows our hearts.
On this day, something in the air smelled different, I took it as a warning to prepare myself. I am not scared of death, it becomes us all eventually. This was the closest kiss I remember having with death. Let me say the breath is in need of some scope or Crest. I believe I was sent that day because I could not handle losing one of my guys. Under the protection of the Lord I withstood the blast of a grenade that was meant to end my life. End result was the insurgent giving me a piece of his hand the hard way. I also found out that I can kill a man without hesitation given the conditions. God helped me find a car bomb that was not meant to be found, timed the insurgents who were to detonate that bomb to be there when we arrived, and put the conditions most secular views would conjure up to luck. So many more factors are involved that I believe there is no other explanation than Divine Intervention. Compassion in the most extreme sense overwhelmed me as I stared at the young looking man who got sold a fantasy by the religious mob. It is not so simple to say you killed him before he killed you. In truth, he held the advantage and it, by scientific law, was meant to extinguish my light. His ideology and radical views failed.
October 30, thirteen days later. Our last mission, same prayer, same warning in the air. Two spots, two explosions, two craters. Our first site excavated a 90 X 20 foot section of road with 620 pounds of explosives. At our second site, 30 meters from where SGT Bevington was killed our search element found a gauntlet of IED's. While setting up the means to eradicate these deadly devices, one went off. Again too many factors that rule out secular or scientific reasoning. My platoon leader was three feet from a 120mm size artillery round along with two Marine explosive ordnance disposal members. 10 minutes before eight vehicles drove over the device. 30 seconds before it detonated I was on the ground walking over it. (Yes there is detail to the scene but really is not the point this time) The vehicle that set it off simply had the windshield cracked and half of the hood blown off, the tire was not affected. I have a chunk of the round that had the potential to kill eight people on this day and simply injured one to the point he had to be medevaced to another camp for picking out the shrapnel from his face and sewing him up. Praise God he will return to duty only a little banged up. This is not a means to win compassion for the choice I made to serve in whatever capacity I am asked. This is simply two events that happened within my platoon that (by all scientific measure) should have left us with 9 less people on this earth. This is a testament to the very fact that this conflict is not about bombs, weapons of mass destruction, or other means used to kill people. This conflict is about the very principles and beliefs necessary to perform such vicious acts and that it is in the power of prayer/belief in God that will change the conditions. I am not a religious leader, nor did these events give me a greater calling to eat better, exercise more, love more, or be something I am not. These events are being mentioned from one believer to those who will listen - the power of prayer is exponentially greater when more understand what to pray for. I have always said - Do not pray that I don't go, pray that I come back. I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HERE! I am a witness to a power that supersedes the destruction of man-made objects. It is my responsibility to share this with you and to urge you to believe that your prayers to end this conflict are not enough. The darkness that can be felt here is strong and no weapon in the coalition arsenal will satisfy the end like prayer. This is a massive spiritual battle to which the foxholes are dug in deep and the defenses are tough. Walking, talking, living proof that those defenses are no match for God."


Kerry Gerber
SFC Combat Engineer, USA

Lost addresses-Lost brain

I totally erased my entire address book this morning by accident. Could you do me a favor and send me your email addresses? Send them to edithkaye@gmail.com Thanks!!

Record of Blessings

I felt the presence of Heavenly Father in my life today...

Sunday, October 07, 2007.

Today was conference and one of the talks was about a woman who had cancer and was dying. Her son asked her a week or so before she died if there was anything she wished she could have or have done. She answered that she wished she could have been of more service. I felt the spirit so strong, as I have wished this since I found out my cancer was back. I feel as though there is so much I have not done to help my fellow man. My health has not been good for years and there is so little I can do, that it just breaks my heart. I just wish I felt better, I would try to do so much more. I do know that the talk was for me, and mirrored my own thoughts.

Monday, October 08, 2007

I worked on my life history today, and that felt good to be doing something that I know I need to do. I felt pretty good all day, but by tonight I was not doing too well. I asked Bob Stroh if he could come and give me a blessing. The blessing was short and sweet, but it did say that I was going to recover from all of this, and to make my family a priority. And I felt my Heavenly Father’s love for me. I know He is with me, watching over my treatments and directing my path.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Yesterday I went to the temple. It was a beautiful day outside, almost got up to 80 degrees. I went with Joell W. to do initiatory work for Gary’s ancestors. I did Stella, grandma’s cousin, and I also did Marguerite, Gary’s mom, and Clarence Ayer’s wives. It was one of the sweetest experiences. I started to cry at the pronouncement of the first blessing. I explained to the sister workers that I was doing family names and that I also had terminal cancer and that was why I was so emotional. They were all so very sweet to me. I hope someday I will feel well enough to work in the temple.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

After waking up about 6:00 AM, I felt pretty punk, so I went back to bed. I could have stayed there all day, so I cried and prayed and went back to sleep. When I woke up a couple of hours later, I just decided that if I was going to have a good day it would be up to me to make it one. I worked on pumpkins that I designed for a table topper for autumn, and then I stained the first coat of stain on two of the six chairs I got at a garage sale a couple of years ago. They match my dining room table and will be really nice for the holidays. I am thankful for prayer and the push Heavenly Father gave me today. I know God answers prayers. Keith stopped by to work on a computer, and it was so nice to spend time with him. I love my kids so much, and they are so good to dad and me.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Somebody…I don’t remember who right now, at General Conference told of how they wrote down how God had touched their lives every day. I have tried to write my feelings down this week. I have missed a couple of days, and things for sure, for I know He is always near and blesses me minute by minute. Yesterday was chemo day. My blood counts were all back up and doing good and I felt so much better…so I had chemo. A wonderful new friend of mine took me out to lunch. I am actually her visiting teacher, but she has taken such wonderful care of me it should be the other way around. We had a wonderful time. She is an artist, and I am hoping that after the first of the year we can paint together. When we got home…wonderful surprise…Bryon and Lorena were here and we went out for Fish at Pryor’s. If you have not had fish at this little hole in the road in Otis Orchard…you have not lived. It is so good.

Before they left to go home, Lorena asked me to have her come over like once a week to help me for a few hours. I think I will take her up on that…especially the weeks after chemo or when I feel rotten. Again, Heavenly Father has blessed me…I have such wonderful daughter-in-laws and a terrific son-in-law. It seems that in this world so many families struggle to even get along. It is the gospel of Jesus Christ that has made all the difference for our family. We are just trying to live the commandments, and though we are not perfect, each person tries to live their lives like the Savior would live His, and it helps all the relationships be so much sweeter. Today we are headed out for Taylor’s football game. I understand he is a great tight end (?), and made a 40 yard touchdown. He also plays defensive lineman and makes phenomenal tackles…especially since he is playing against boys over a year older than he is. It will be a fun day, and I will feel good seeing as how I am on the steroid override right now from chemo.

Okay, so this is my week of blessings…anyway the ones I remembered and wrote down.

Count your blessings…name them one by one. Count your many blessings…see what God has done.

PS HAPPY BIRTHDAY APEY SNAPEY!!!! WE LOVE YOU!!!!!!!

Birthdays, Families and Fall

I had a great birthday...and here are a few pictures for the rest of the family that could not be there. We enjoyed having AJ and Lorena back with us. Of course, AJ loves her daddy, but she also really likes Uncle Keith, too.

I didn't have chemo yesterday...too sick....but after a long time on my knees, I am feeling much better today. I thought this might mess up my trip to see April, but doc said it was fine to just do two sessions this month. Last night when I started feeling better, I decorated for fall. It is really chilly here, and It felt good to get out the fall decorations, and start to think about Christmas and what I would like to finish. I love the crispness in the air, and the beautiful fall colors. I think we should all hat a hot apple cider today!!! I am so thankful to see another fall, and so thankful that when I just don't think I can go on a minute more, I have a miracle, and I regain some strength. Have a wonderful day!!! Come on over this weekend and have cider and donuts!!!

Celebrate Good Times...Come On!

Celebrate good times...come on!!!

Friday night , 3 of us were supposed to go out to dinner to celebrate my birthday, but somehow it turned into a dinner party at a dear friends home with so many of my sweet friends surrounding me and wishing me well. Thank you, Ling. Your goodness is immeasurable. Thank you, Lisa for providing your beautiful home..and I am not sure who did all the cooking, but seeing as how I hate to eat anything I cook, it was so wonderful to actually feel full!!! I don't know how to tell you all how much you mean to me, and how thankful I am that we are true sisters.

The next day I met up with Sherry and Sandy and had a wonderful day. One thing that makes them so wonderful is that I can cry around them, and share my fears and hopes and I don't feel judged. I can share with them my most intimate thoughts about living or dying and , even though they don't really understand, they give me their time and ear and love. We had a birthday lunch for me at Sandi's and it was wonderful...man, especially the Amish rolls. Sherry bought me some good smelling stuff to spray all over myself...I always feel like I stink.
(Maybe I do...hint, hint)

It was very hard coming home Saturday night on my birthday to an empty house. I felt sorry for myself for a short time, but realized Gary was out with his best friend cutting wood, and having his own break from cancer. I understand how difficult it must be for him and would love to find a way to escape all of this myself and go back to a time when cancer wasn't mentioned every day in our home.

Sunday I went to Keith's house for dinner. Calie had made a wonderful meal....with Keith as the BBQ king. Lorena and Ansley are home from Mexico and it was so wonderful to see them. She is walking everywhere. I will add a couple of pictures soon. I missed that Gary and my girls were not there...but we did have fun. The grandkids asked me questions about my life from a book we'd picked up at a garage sale...and ...well some of them were not easy to answer. We laughed and just enjoyed each other.

Joette got home from April's late last night, and April had made me a beautiful scrapbook of her two children that I will forever cherish. I know it was such a sacrifice for her to take that time, as Mckenzie is having a difficult time adjusting and Julia is colic.

I was humbling to be remembered by so many. Today I still have the blinds drawn and my PJ's on...trying to get up the courage to face life again. I have really felt sick for about 5 days again now. I share this because even though I have so much to live for...I am not so sure I can do it much longer...no, I am not sure I want to do this much longer. I need to spend an hour or two in prayer and find strength to celebrate life again. I saved this draft and it took me 2 hours to figure out how to get it published...I had to call my daughter in tears and ask her what in the heck I was doing wrong. I hate being this disabled...I really do not think straight any more, and am finding everything so difficult to do. I need your prayers today...mine are not working so well.

Summer's End

I felt so strong the day this picture was taken...We took a hike up to Fern Falls, and although the trail was not very steep. I did make it, and it was not all that hard. Since then, I started Chemo again, and some kind of bone therapy to strengthen them...and it has wiped me out again. But I have my rest week this week, after having the last round of the three rounds I need to go though, so I am running wild with ideas and things I would love to accomplish if I feel good this week.

My tumor markers are down from 600 and something to 34. That was a cheery slice of news!!! I feel good since chemo yesterday...but much of it is due to the steroids they pump into you just before getting the navolbean. (Chemo)....It is only 5:00AM and I am wide awake planning 6 million things to do today and tomorrow...before the good stuff wears off!!

We were going to drive down to see April, she is really struggling with Julia and colic. I feel so bad for her, but there is so much to do here, and I would like to get something done before the weather turns nasty. It is already freezing at night. We picked grapes yesterday, and apples a week or so ago. I swear, the applesauce is the best I have ever made, and we don't even know what kind of apples we have. How big do crab apples get? These are small and sort of tart, yet sweet at the same time. We will go down to April's around the 18th of October...during my next break. Then, April, Chay and the kids they are coming here for Christmas. Lorena comes home next week, I think. It will be so nice to see her and AJ. I have really missed them. I guess AJ is walking, and Bryon is so excited to see her. I think next week we will sneak off to Radium before the weather turns to winter.

It has been a good week. I did baptisms and sealings in the temple, but I messed up. I was with a veteran group, all in their 80's or so, and I had some names that I had not cleared properly for sealing. I realized this after one couple were sealed that did not have the rest of their work done. The sealer, without me saying a word, recognized that I was troubled and he fixed the mistake for me. It was such a sweet, spiritual moment for me, as Gary was not there, and it was a very important sealing in his family that he needed to be in the temple to witness and participate in. The Lord knew this and stepped in with His spirit and inspired the temple sealer to fix the mistake, and give us time to be together as a family for this sealing. Words do not do this justice, I know, but it truly was one of the sweetest moments I have ever had in the temple, one I will never forget.

Well, I think I had better try to get a little sleep Thanks again for your continued prayers. I had a blessing about a week ago that was so sweet and dear to my heart. So many of my fears were calmed and I felt like Heavenly Father was talking directly to me, as He, through the priesthood, addressed so many of my concerns. I am trying to turn my life over to Him each and every day so as not to waste a moment of time. I have felt your prayers of encouragement, and love so much. Thank you

Change your attitude

Okay...so I never write twice in one day...but after feeling so low this morning, I decided to go to a cooking class. I had fun, I ate good stuff and I talked. I could have stayed home...it would have been the easy way out, but I decided to make myself go, and by golly...it was not all that bad. It really depends on our attitude. Life really is worth living, and if we try we can find joy every day. So...shape up world...Speak, even when nobody speaks back

You Talk Too Much

Not sure what is wrong with me. I have cried so much this week. I keep telling myself it is the new bone medicine that was injected with my chemo last week. I know that my jaw is very sore (okay, you wise guys...it is not from talking too much!) In fact, that is part of the problem. I am not talking to hardly anyone. When I first got cancer back, people would call, but now, and I am sure of this, they just do not know what to say to me. I try really hard not to wine about my disease...and just be my normal self...whatever that is....but still, I don't see many people or talk to many anymore. It is like I am dead already. I used to get asked to do things or go places...but not now. I am partly to blame, but honestly, people treat those with fatal illnesses different. I know I have in the past. I will change that about myself if I ever get the chance. I will ask them about their families, their work...I'll take them out to lunch. I will just be their friend. I will make sure they are involved in church activities and I will help them feel like they are needed in some way. Maybe I am the one who needs to call others...but it is hard, especially when I might weep at any moment, or when I hear in trepidation in their voices when they find out it is me. Yesterday I finally asked my daughter if she would like to go to a movie. We had such a nice time. It was a tragic love story...a true chick flick, and I felt young and giddy at all the right places, and I didn't think about cancer once. Well...that's enough talking for today...I need to clean my bathroom.

Good News!!!

Results are in and the treatment is working!!! Very little lung
involvement and no lymphatic involvement. I still have some skeletal
cancer, but it has not enlarged. My blood work was good. I am still
waiting for the tumor marker results and there was some question with
the brain mets. I had three small mets when I was in Tulsa, and I
still have three small mets. Joni was not sure if they were the same
or new ones, so she is sending for all the records and then having me
see Dr. Robert Fairbanks to see if these are new, or can even be
worked on. I am starting another round of Chemo today. This time
we will go three months. My oncologist seemed pleased with the results so
far. I would like to go back on the green drink diet for a short while and see if I can speed recovery or have complete remission. I want to help this out the best I can.
Please continue your thoughts and prayers in my behalf that i will have the strength to do the diet again....it's a very difficult one to do. And thank you for all of your love and support!!!

Seasons

First of all, I want to thank my daughters for their love and appreciation expressed for me. I honestly did not bribe them or pay them for writing such nice things about me...my cancer probably caught them at a week moment! HAHAHAHA!

Every once in awhile cancer catches me off guard. Today I spent all day testing. I did a Pet Scan, a CT scan and an MRI. It was during the pet scan that I just broke down and wept like a baby. The lady was so sweet to me, and I just couldn't hold back the tears. Once they started, they just would not stop. It was though a flood gate of emotions kept pouring out...all down my cheeks and onto my blouse.

As I lay in the recliner, allowing time for the contrast to work, I could not stop thinking about my life, my children and all the things I would still love to accomplish. And asking God,"Why me?" I know we are not supposed to ask that question...so many suffer and so many are in so much worse circumstances than I am...but today I thought of how hard I have tried to serve my God and my family. I just want to live until I have accomplished a few more things that I need to finish. And I would like to feel good enough to do them. Today, after the tests, I came home and slept for three hours...I was wiped out.

Okay...enough complaining. I did get to go camping for a couple of days at the beginning of the week...to my favorite spot on earth. My daughter-in-law and grandkids went with us. We are leaving in the morning for one last jaunt up the river. Most of the family will be there...and yet, my heart will ache for the rest as I miss them so.

Fall is in the air...you can feel it at night and see it in the dew of the early morning hours. I love the smell of the mountain air and the fading green of summer as the season moves to the next stage. Perhaps I need to look at cancer as a changing season...with its very own sights, smell and sounds. Can I ask that you keep praying? I need your faith and prayers so very much right now. Next week I find out how long I have left.

You Light Up My Life

When I woke up this morning, it was not from the gentle pounding of tiny hands on my forehead, and very soft gibberjabber next to my ear.This morning I just woke up in an empty bed and in an empty room.

I am home, and McKenzie is far, far away...and oh, how I miss her. Every morning, she would climb down the steep steps to see me and then she would help me with my waking routine. She would get a water bottle out of the cooler for me, and then hand me my medicine bottles, one at a time and watch as I took each prescription. Sometime in all of that, she would find one of my hats I wear to hide my bald hair, and either put it on me or herself...(thus, the picture). She likes my hats. Sunday, when I put on my wig to wear to church she just sort of stuck her nose up at it and looked at me with a disgusted frown. Children are never vain..they are so real in their love.

If I was really lucky, after I woke up and had had some breakfast, I got the honor of bathing Julia. I love the new baby bathtubs...you can bathe the sweet newborns with both hands free, and the soap is so sweet and mild smelling. It is such a treat when they are in their new, clean clothes, smelling like only a baby can. Nothing replaces that. Nothing!!!

Nonetheless, I am finding it very hard this morning. I have a huge hole in my heart that only two little girls can fill, and my emotions are running out all over the place. I am sure I will die of a broken heart this very hour!! But I just remembered...I have to pick up peaches for a slug of people and deliver them by noon...I have many letters to write and people to see. I also have a house to clean and weeds to pull, and my life story to write, and on and on.....

So I will do all these things. I will plan a camping trip with my other grandchildren, and hope they will want to go with me toward the end of the week, And yet, every day a piece of my heart will be in Ogden with the girls that lit up my life for the month of August!!

Julia Kaye

I am sitting up with my precious new granddaughter, trying to let April get a little sleep. What a beauty she is. Her hair is black, like my mom's when she was young. She has a very sweet disposition, so far, and I have to tell you, watching a new life come into this world is one of life's greatest joys. I was thrilled beyond measure when I found out they had decided to name her after me. It is such an honor.
Her big sister loves her to pieces. Mckenzie is so careful with Julia and does not appear to be jealous in the least. She always kisses her on the forehead in the most gentle of ways.

We got here 4 days before Julia arrived and we were able to help Chay finish his bathroom and the girls room. They both look very nice. Today, Aprils mother-in law painted the front room for April. I didn't do much except putty work and filled some of the cracks in the walls...but it looks nice, too. Gary left to go home Saturday, and I will fly home next week. I am looking forward to just sitting around holding this beautiful baby. What a JOY!!!

I know some of you are wondering about my state of health...I decided to wait to do any of the testing until after my visit with April. I am pretty tired and weak most of the time, but don't feel too bad. I will give you the details when I get them.
Thanks for your prayers and thoughts. I can literally feel your support. I love you!!!