Early Morning

This is what I woke up to this morning. The air was crisp and cool and the fog was just lifting off the pasture. It was exilerating!!! Our home is in such a beautiful area and everytime I go outside I thank God for His creations.

We spent the weekend camping with Bryon and Lorena and AJ. Keith and the kids came up Friday night and spent the night and all day Saturday with us. Gary consented and brought up a motorcycle that Taylor could ride, and Bryon brought his bike and 4-wheeler, which made for alot of fun for everyone. We timed everything just right...got there just as the rain stopped, and left just as it was starting again. My hope is that happy memories were made.

When I was growing up, my parents traveled quite a bit, and we either had a tent or a camp trailer. I have fond memories of Yellowstone, the moon coming up on the Nevada desert, and the Oregon Coast. I loved the outdoors as a kid, and loved to explore. My grandchildren don't seem to like the outdoors very much...and it is sad to me. I do hope they will remember some good times camping with grandma!

Some friends of mine bought me an airline ticket to SLC to go to their daughter's wedding. I am so excited!!! I will stay with April and Chay while I am there and get to see how things are coming with their house. I feel good today and sure hope that for the next week I can keep up with everything!! When I was first waking up this morning, I thought of how much my prioroties have changed. All I really care about is being home and/or being with family and my dearest, closest friends. It made me realize even more how thankful I am that we are an eternal family. Now that I am facing the possibility of death every day, the deepest joys come from those I love the most.

Go outside today and listen to the birds. Smell a flower and let the sun warm you. Tell someone you love them. Let go of a worry and trust that God will take care of you. It is a beautiful day!!!!

Life is Good!

There is a little boy, 3 years old, in our ward named Jarom. His primary teacher told me that she asked him to say the closing prayer after class was over, and every other thing he prayed about was for me. He'd say, "Thank you for this day, and bless Sister Tomblin, and thank you for our teacher, and bless sister Tomblin, and thank you for my mommy and daddy, and bless Sister Tomblin..." I guess he said my name 13 times in his prayer. She reminded me that people really are praying for me!!! Thanks to ALL of you!!!

Another friend came by today and shared a very personal trial that their family went through. Nothing seemed to be going as promised by the Lord, and after 8 years of this heartache in their lives, a miracle suddenly occured, and her husband was healed. The sweet thing for me was that she shared it, hoping to give me the strength to keep doing Chemo. I do #2 of round two today if all is well with my blood counts. We are taking this one at a time. I have not felt very good this week, so it is hard to keep going. But yesterday I felt good enough to work in the yard. It was a beautiful day, and really lifted my spirits!!

Mother's Day my children and grandchildren were all here (except April, Chay and Mckenzie, and we missed them horribly). They all got together and gave me a really nice camera. We had a wonderful day together. I also felt good enough to go to church and teach my laurels. They are such incredible girls, and they help me be strong and want to keep going. My sister called to say hello.

Several friends came by today to encourage me. I am sooo blessed, and can feel their love and support. One friend offered to fly me to his daughter's wedding in Utah if I was up to it. I could stay with April!! I hope I am able to go!! Life is good. It is harder than I ever imagined sometimes, too...but good.

Home

It was so nice to go to church today with the people I love so much. It was good to hear familiar testimonies and see familiar faces. Everyone was so nice, and seemed happy to see me. I loved Sunday School and Young Women's. It was wonderful to see some of my laurels today.

The past two days I have felt a little better...especially yesterday. Bryon and Lorena came over for awhile and Bryon worked on his truck. Lorena and I went for a short walk, and it was heavenly to be outside. I even had enough energy to clean up my kitchen and do some laundry.

I am pretty tired tonight after going to church and having company, and tomorrow I have a Dr's. appointment with Joni. I suppose if my blood looks okay, she will want to do another round of chemo on me soon. I must tell you, I don't want to do it. I am just now feeling halfway human again.

The Bishop spoke today of the strength we get from reading the scriptures and praying, and even though we hear this all of the time, I know it is true. It has been hard for me to do these two things as of late because I have felt so sick, but the past three days I have really tried to pray and study, and I can already tell the difference. My outlook is better and I am more at peace...more willing to trust what the Lord has planned for me.

It is so nice to be home.

A Bump in the Road

I went to my cancer Doctor here last Tuesday for a check up. I was having a little trouble breathing and my legs were swelling, so she sent me for a CT of my chest. Sure enough...I had blood clots in my lungs. They were not in the main arteries, which was a good thing...and all I could do was thank Heavenly Father for sparing my life once more. I think I got them sometime over the weekend with April, and I could have easily died. I have been giving myself shots of fragment...a blood thinner, all week, been on strict bed rest and now I am on cumadin again. I saw Joni again yesterday and she said I am a walking miracle, but she decided to hold off for a week or so with my second round of Chemo. I felt so bunk yesterday that I told her if she did chemo on me this week, it would kill me. She sort of agreed. On the bright side, I do feel quite a bit better today, and I think I will go outside and work in my pansy patch...taking it really easy, of course. When the gal that was running the CT scanner saw the clots, she was so sweet to me, and she said, "Well, this is just another bump in the road." I liked that...helped me put it in perspective. I am still alive. I can still feel the cool breeze and hold AJ on my lap and play peekaboo with her. Like Joette said to me yesterday, "Mom, we still need your presence in our lives." Today is the beginning of a new week!

Home at Last!

I got home about midnight last night. The last week in Tulsa was extremely difficult to get through. I got to the point that I could not even go near the caffeteria as the smell made me so sick. I had Gary take me out to eat every day, just so I could eat something. The final TOMO treatments to the brain were also very taxing...and the only way I made it through them was to pray and count my blessings the entire time. Will I go back in three months? Not sure if I can.

We were fortunate to be able to have a three day layover in SLC, so I got to see April, Chay and Mckenzie. We stayed in a hotel close to the home they bought. They cannot live there yet, and are staying with Chay's sister. They are refinishing the old hardwood floors, and living out of boxes...so it was best to help where we could and visit when they had time. Gary helped Chay with staining the floors. Hopefully, by the end of this week they will be able to move in.

While I was gone, the Relief Society came in and deep cleaned my entire house. It looked so beautiful when I got home last night, I just cried!!! It was so wonderful of them to get to the high areas of my home that have been neglected for the past several years, and to have everything shine!!!

I start my second round of Chemo this Thursday here. I am a little worried about my heart, as in the past couple of days I have had edema really bad. I see my ONC here tomorrow, and I guess she will see how I am fairing and if I can do the rest of the Chemo regiment. I am not looking forward to it, that is for sure.

On the bright side...it was a beautiful day today...I went out to my garden and sat for awhile and just took in the sunshine. My children all came to see me tonight...it was nice to be with them all again. It is really good to be home. Really good!

Tears of Pure Joy

Last Thursday night I had another round of chemo, so on Friday I was pretty sick, tired, emotional...all that goes with it. I can hardly stand t0 go into the cafeteria here any more..just cannot stand the smell, but because I had basically been in my room all day, i went down to dinner with Gary. We were at the back of the dining room and had finished eating, when out of the corner of my eye I caught a glimpse of a young man way up at the front desk of the lobby that resembled Bryon. I immediately started to cry, and told Gary that I had seen someone who looked so much like Bryon that it made me so homesick. I just sat there and wept and wanted to leave that very minute and come home.

We stayed in the cafeteria for a few minutes longer, and then headed to the lobby. Just as we were about to round the corner to the elevator, my two, wonderful sons walked around the corner. The first thing out of my mouth was, "Oh my gosh....it WAS Bryon that I saw." I ran into their arms and cried and laughed and hugged and then did it all over again!!! The lobby was filled with people that witnessed the scene, and many of them were in tears also. MY BOYS!!!
MY BOYS!!! They had flown all the way here to spend the weekend with me and to surprise me and to give me the courage to keep going!!! What devotion! What love! What a sacrifice! In all my life I do not think I have had anything done for me that has touched me more or meant more to me than them coming!!! I liken it to greeting our loved ones beyond the veil.

We had a great weekend! We took the boys out for dinner and got them their room...poor Keith had a terrible headache that made him sick. Bryon brought us back to the clinic, and before he left I was hugging him and expressing my concern at how much this had cost him to come. He held me tenderly in his arms and said, "Mom....money is just temporal...families are forever. You mean more to us than any money does."

On Saturday, with their rental car, we were able to escape the hospital here and go to Oklahoma City. We saw the capitol building, the Federal Memorial Bombing sight, and we ate at one of the top ten best things to do in Oklahoma...the Cattleman's Steakhouse. It was the best steak I have ever eaten, and though I am not eating very well...I ate the entire thing. We drove back to Tulsa, took a nap, and then went out for a treat.

Sunday morning, my heart took a picture as Gary and I were sitting in the lobby waiting for the boys to come for breakfast. I watched them walk from their car to the lobby, in the brilliant sunlight, dressed in white shirts and ties, ready to go to church with me. Pure JOY!!! We went to church, and because the cafeteria was closed when we got out, we did take them to dinner. They came up to our room for awhile, and then it was time for them to fly out. Gary went down with them to see them off...but I sat on the bed and watched them out the window until they drove off, all the time thanking my Father in Heaven for all of the blessings He has bestowed upon me...my family being the greatest.

Yesterday in church the lesson was on the miracle of the loaves and the fishes, and how we go to the Lord with such a little bit of nothing and offer it to him, and he takes what little we have and blesses us and the masses around us. That is what the Lord has done for me. I, alone am so nothing, and yet with His presence in my life I have been able to raise an incredible loving family who have, in turn, reached out to bless so many, especially me. When we do our best to turn our lives over to God, He will make so much more of it then we could ever have hoped for. Thank you, God, for two sons, (and their supportive, wonderful wives) who thought enough of their mother to come this weekend. I will never forget this, or be able to talk about it without crying...crying tears of pure joy.

A New Day!!!

Hi to all those I love out there!!! This has been a better week. it started out a little rough as I was sick again, but we decided it was o couple of the meds I was on, and I am doing much better. I also was bummed because I thought I had to stay here another week, but I don't, so It means we can start heading home between the 18th and 20th!!! Hurray! IfI am up to it after this weeks treatments, we are flying into SLC and taking a two or three day layover to go see April and her home she just moved into.

My brother, Billy, got here Tuesday afternoon, and he is leaving tomorrow to go back to Tennessee. It has been so wonderful to see him and spend time with Sharlene and him. Today we are going to the Will Rogers Museum and out to lunch. I do another round of Chemo tonight and am starting my heavy-duty brain treatments this afternoon, so I might be out of commission here for a few more days...so he picked the perfect time to come, and he has been great medicine for my soul!!!

Thanks to all of you for your comments and emails!!! It is so special to me to know I am loved and being prayed for by so many. I cannot possibly answer all of you, but please know that I am eternally grateful to each of you!!!

This is truely a wonderful place, and I have met some beautiful people here. God, in His wisdom teaches me each day about how to love by the example of sooo many. I can't wait to be home to see my friends and family and to teach my laurel class!!! Oh, how I miss my girls!!
Love to you all!!!

Homesick

I just called Keith's house and talked to Ashlee. She was so sweet and said she missed me so much, that now I am just a bag of tears. Being away from home is so hard when you are this sick. I am so thankful Sherry is here, but even that is hard, as I feel I am putting her out. It is hard to be so dependent on people when you have always been so independent.

Also some days are filled with hope and others are , well just days of endurance, waiting for the next shoe to fall, I guess. I hope it is okay to get sad once in awhile...like when I haven't heard from a special friend for a few days, or when I get tired of seeing sooooo many afflicted with this disease, or just when the pain gets to me and I am tired. And this is a tired like none other. It goes to the very bone,

I finally felt well enough to have my second round of chemo yesterday and I've had two rounds of radiation this week. The Doc's have me on a nutrition pack that I carry around with me all day long, and I am sure it is helping me not be so sick.I also got to get out of this prison for awhile this morning and buy some new duds. I honestly do not know how to buy clothes for myself anymore, as I have lost so much weight, I am not sure what to wear. I can't help thinking I shouldn't spend very much...so it is hard.

Sorry, tonight is a downer night. I am tired, and I just want to give up the fight right now. I need to tuck myself into bed with a good prayer and things will look brighter tomorrow. Good night.

Sunday Morning

It is very early Sunday morning...found myself unable to sleep...but I can always snooze later. Yesterday was such a better day...starting with conference...which was so amazing and touched my heart so deeply. I also felt well enough to leave the clinic and go out to play Easter Bunny for my grandkids. And the blessings keep coming in. My friend, Sherry, who has been my right hand and left foot all week, holding my head and getting me every little thing I have needed, was in the hall way and had a conversation with a woman who was headed home, cancer free, for two years running after coming here with breast cancer that had spread to in lungs and bones.

While I was a t Wal-Mart yesterday, hobbling around in my walker (and then driving a scooter), a very kind woman stopped and asked me is I had had surgery. I explained my cancer briefly to her and she told me that she had had pancreatic cancer and had been cancer free for two years. These things give me hope. I know my Father in Heaven is with me continually. I am looking forward to more of conference today. Thanks, Stan, for the lap-top!!!

What I am so impressed with this place is that when I got sick from treatment, they did everythong possible to make me feel better and get to the root of it. I have been on an IV pump for three days now getting my body fluids and vitamins back into correct funtion. They have literally thought of everything here...it is an amazing place.

Nauseating

I never imagined a person could get this sick and still be alive. Radiation to the brain is horrible to say the least, and I have thrown up so hard and so long I have to keep checking to see if I still have my toenails or not. Ooops...gotta go..

Walk With Christ

Gary left today at 1:00 p.m. and I had an appointment with physical therapy at 3:00 p.m. to be fitted for a cane. After testing my strength, the therapist concluded that I would be best served by a walker. Before that even sunk in, he handed me one and had me walk down the hall with it. Part way down the hall we stopped where another woman with advanced cancer was sitting and he asked if we could use her walker which was the “Cadillac” of walkers with a seat and brakes. I tried her walker and it worked a lot better and was really nice. As I was returning it to her, suddenly I was overwhelmed with the realization that a walker might be a permanent fixture for the rest of my life, and I lost it. My emotions just welled up inside of me. I couldn’t even hear the conversations around me. All I wanted was my room where I could really let down and cry. I felt alone, abandoned, and forsaken by God . . . all of these emotions rushing up inside of me.
Back in my room, just as I had explained it all to a friend via email and had pushed the send button, the phone rang.

It was the concierge telling me that I had a guest in the lobby. He went on to explain that she said she had met me on Sunday at church and just wanted to stop by and see if I needed anything. I told him I would be right down to meet her; but inside I was a little upset that a stranger had interrupted my cry. I took my time wiping my eyes and blowing my nose and making my way downstairs. When I got to the lobby, the first thing I noticed was that she was holding a book titled “Walk with Christ”. And then she proceeded to stumble through the explanation of why she had come to see me. She told me that she was also a visitor to Tulsa, having come from Colorado to visit family; and had heard my testimony on the previous day and decided that I needed to read this book. The book is a 14 day, pre-Easter program to help the reader draw closer to Christ. Standing there listening to this complete stranger, knowing that she was out of her comfort zone yet offering help to me in any way she could, touched me so deeply, i started to cry again for another, sweeter reason. She went on to say that she had felt prompted to come to me, that she had never done this kind of thing but was wanting to follow the spirit. We wound up talking to each other as though we were life long friends; with so much in common. The entire experience reminded me that Heavenly Father is always so aware of us . . . even when we feel alone. And even though this cancer journey smothers me with difficulty at times, I know that my Savior is walking with me and that He does and will and is sending angels to hold me up.

Thank you for your support

First, I must thank my family for their support. It is so good to hear from them on this blog. I love you, Billy. I heard from Linda that you have had your own struggles this year. I will try to call you soon. Thank you so much for your words of love and support, they meant more to me than you can ever know. And thanks to all of you for your comments and emails.

Gary is leaving Tulsa today. He has done well to last here this long. We have much to get caught up on at home. My friend from Moses Lake, Sherry, is coming to spend the next 10 days or so with me. I will be receiving Chemo and radiation, and they tell me I will be pretty sick, so I have to have someone here with me at all times. I have cancer pretty much everywhere. It is in my brain in 3 spots, my lungs and many of my bones. I do not have it in any other organs. Today I am being fitted for a cane, as radiation will weaken my hip and femur area to the point it could be broken easily.

We found a ward here and have attended the past two Sundays. The people are so nice, and many of them have approached us asking about family and friends in the Spokane area. Yesterday, I was given a sweet blessing by the bishopric to help me with get through the radiation this week. We were also give names of priesthood we can call for anything we might need. The church is incredible, and just as true in Tulsa as anywhere in the world.

April moved this past weekend. Joette is with her, helping out. I talked to both the boys last night. I am blessed to have a very supportive and wonderful family. I also apologize for not getting every individal email answered. Please know I love hearing from you, and especially need your prayers at this time. As I feel better, I will write to all of you! God Bless.

Spring is a miracle!

Today I get my port and start the first round of chemo. Could I ask that everyone to please keep me in their prayers? Pray that the chemo will kill the cancer and that I will be able to tolerate it. Thank you so much. Thanks, April for reminding me that we do believe in miracles. I do feel a great amount of peace in my heart this morning. Thanks to all of you for your comments and emails in my behalf! I know such wonderful people and have such devoted friends and family...it is almost surreal to me.

Gary will stay through the weekend, or until I find out how long I will be here for radiation. He needs to get home as he has an appointment with a cardiologist. Some part of his stress test did not look good. Sherry might come and stay for a week or so with me....all depends on how long radiation will last. She has agreed to help if she can, which is so very sweet of her.

Yesterday we met with the naturopaths and got all the supplements I need to take to fight cancer. They were the neatest two guys...they had so much love and light about them. Everyone here seems to be like that. What a remarkable place this is...but sad that so many people are plagued with this disease.

I am going to have another granddaughter!!! Congrats, April! I am soooo excited. Her and Mckenzie will be best friends for sure! That was wonderful news yesterday. It is also warm and sunny here. Life is good! Gather those you love and hold them close. Tell them you love them. Serve them in some small way today. I love you all!

A New Day

It is very early in the morning. I wanted to get this posted for all of you who are waiting the news from yesterday.

Seems my cancer has spread just about everywhere. It is all thorugh my back, hips, left femur, lungs and...sorry to say I even have 3 spots in my brain. None of my other organs are affected as of yet, which is good.

I am set up to get my port for chemo tomorrow and have an appointment with the Rad Onc for Friday. He will determine if I can have radiation to the spots on my brain or not. It is scary, as I do not know how or if this will change my personality.

Gary will stay here until the first chemo session is over and I have started radiation, but then he would like to go home for a week or so before returning, as we have much that needs to be done there...besides the poor guy is bored out of his mind. I am hoping I can talk a friend into coming for a week or so, as I need a caregiver here in order to stay.

The pain management Doc gave me a patch to wear, and it was wonderful for about 12 hours, and then I started throwing up...never felt so sick in my life. I am hoping when I see them today they can find something that works as well as it did without the side affects.

I am strangely at peace with all of this...oh, I did cry some yesterday and probably will again...but I know so many of you are praying for me, and so many of you have sent your love and support, that one way or another I will get through this. I feel Heavenly Father's love through each of you and I am learning so much about the power of love and how it truly does heal the soul. Each of you are teaching me so much every day.. Honestly, it has blown me away. Thank you so much for your love and support. Keep those prayers coming....I can actually feel them sustaining me.

CTCA

I can hear someone playing a piano softly from a room just below me. This place is beginning to feel a little like home. Our room is very small, but new and it is clean. The food is very delicious, organic and it costs Gary and I together, $15.00 a day. Just down the hall from us is a laundry room, with free facilities, and next to our room is a pantry, stalked with drinks and snacks, all free. I am in a quiet room, as it is called, with a nice computer, printer and desk and a couple of chairs, again, all free to use. Each floor has a similar layout.

Yesterday we were chauffeured in a limo to the auto show. We also went to a flea market. We can go anywhere with in reason, and they will take us, no charge. Today we went to church. The drivers tell us that this is a wonderful place to work...very rewarding. The atmosphere is somewhat sad, though...so many dealing with this terrible disease. It enters in the back door of people's lives from all over the country, taking them by surprise. One lady told me today that she was ready to go home to Heavenly Father, but her husband could not part with her yet.

Church was wonderful. The Stake patriarch spoke on the power of blessings and how we need never doubt the messages received therein. It was for me for sure. I needed the boost of faith. The Relief Society president had me tell the sisters what I was doing here, and then she took my name and number down. She said she would do anything for me...just to let her know. It was so sweet and humbling. A couple of sisters said they would pray for me as I was leaving...sisters I don't even know.

Tomorrow I will finish up all my testing, and Tuesday I will know how bad and what, if anything, they can do for me here. I am waiting on the miracle. I have had so many already...I do not want to sound ungrateful. I am blown away at the love expressed in my behalf. Thanks for the emails everyone!!! And your prayers of support and faith. I will report again tomorrow.

For all of you!!!

It is Sunday morning in Tulsa. The past 4 days have flown by. First of all, I have to thank my Father in Heaven for the sisters of the 17th Ward and all of their love and participation in the Birthday dinner Program. I felt showered with charity and I feel so much love for the sisters in our family. When the Laurels wrote and sang me a song, I could not believe the love I felt from my girls!! Thank you. Your support and tender caring is truly sustaining me.

After arriving here shortly past noon on Thursday, I was immediately wisked away into appointments. I have already seen the onc, had a bunch of blood work done, had bone and pet scans taken and tomorrow I am sceduled for 3 different CT scans, an appointment with the naturpath and the pain management team. The facility is very nice and the food is good, cheap, and all organic.

I will have all the results back by Tuesday and will meet with my team of Docs that day. They will then tell me what they can and cannot do for me. At this point, I plan on staying for treatment if it is an option. Gary might stay a day or two longer...but he is getting pretty bored hanging around here. I am concerned at how well I will do, and how weak I will become with treatment, but I think they will take good care of me here.

I love you all. This is probably the easiest for me to do...just send out my blog address and write one letter every day or so. You can either email me or comment on my blog, which goes directly to my email. Thank you for your continued prayers. The Doc's asked what kind of a support system I had in place, and I got pretty emotional thinking about all of your love and prayers in my behalf. I will write more as soon as I know more.

Graditude

Today I am grateful that my oldest son called and said that his family fasted and prayed for me yesterday. I am also thankful that 2 friends dropped by to see me, and one of them brought me dinner...yummy!!! I also got a call from two of my closest friends and each just let me cry and talk. They both wanted to know about the blessing yesterday and what my plan of attack is now. I also got to visit with Joette when she came home from FHE, and that was wonderful. My chiropractor helped my back and hip feel a little better after he worked me over today. And I got a nice call from a friend of mine who has had cancer three times. He is always a voice of hope, and he said such nice things to me today that helped me to know my life has not been wasted.

Life is good, and Heavenly Father is giving me strength through others. I just wanted to thank Him for always being near. He knows who to send and what I need. Oh, I also had my life sketch class here today and started writing about my brother Billy. Such sweet memories I have of him. I miss him so much. He doesn't even know I have cancer. But enough of sorrow...tonight I am thankful to have been surrounded by love for one more day.

Meet Isaac. He is my grandson. I took this picture last summer. We were in our favorite swimming hole on the CDA river, and it was such a pretty day. I remember hearing a song once that said, "My heart took a picture that day." That is how i feel about this camping trip. I will never forget how we sat around the campfire and had a family home evening that night, and how Isaac sat and took it all in. I know he felt the spirit. I am so thankful for my family. You are such incredible supports when times are hard. I know that families are eternal, and we will have these and other sacred times forever.

Juicer

I need to redeem my son. He and his wife came tonight and they bought me a new juicer. It was so sweet of him!!! He also helped his dad with a project. I got a little sleep today, and I can't believe how much better things look when you are not soooooo tired.

Awakenings

I woke up in the middle of the night again. I keep trying hard not to take a sleeping pill, but this is what happens when I don’t. The pain is such that once I wake up I cannot go back to sleep.

Can I use this space and time to vent a little? I am loosing the battle with cancer. Everyone keeps saying, “You have to remain positive.” But I have tried everything and anything that has come along. I have done the diet, sat in the sauna, taken the tea and the supplements until I want to throw up, and still, deep down inside, I know I am loosing. My arm is starting to hurt again. I go somewhere and I am so tired I can barely make it home. My breathing is getting harder. I have two choices, as I see it. I can go on chemo, and perhaps get a little better for a short while, or I can continue to die slowly; and painfully. Cancer involves a lot of pain. Not just physically, but emotionally.

This is hard…so hard. I want to see my daughter married. I want to see April’s house and her new baby born. I want to finish an art project for Bryon and Gary. I want to finish my life history and my “Yellow Roses” book. I want to live. I want to love and serve more. But deep down I know I am running out of time. Every night I go to bed with the hopes of waking up feeling better, and every morning I feel just a little bit worse than the day before.

I don’t see the family very much, except Jo Jo, as she lives here. I am so thankful for her. Some nights we talk in her bedroom…like old times. It gives me so much to look forward to. I think it has been over a month since I have seen one of my sons. Maybe it is easier for him not to come around. I used to invite all of the kids for dinner every other week or so, but I am too tired to do that anymore. But April calls almost everyday. She got a new home, and I am so glad she has something to look forward to, especially if I don’t make it. I am so thankful that she calls just to talk to me. I think she will have the hardest time when I am gone.

I try to stay busy, even though I am so tired. I have a life history class here on Monday mornings and a painting class on Thursday afternoons. I have painted a few things, and I occasionally feel like cleaning the house, but that is getting harder all of the time. I am so thankful for Gary. He does all the shopping and keeps the laundry and dishes up. I am afraid that soon he will have to do all the cooking. Does someone want to come and clean my bathrooms? They are getting nasty, and the thought of doing a really thorough job just wears me to a frazzle.

Which brings me to my last struggle: My Patriarchal blessing and other blessings have hinted that I will throw this off. My home teacher told me I needed more faith. I have always had a lot of faith, and I do not get this. I don’t think very many people have my kind of faith. But the windows of heaven seem to be closed to me right now. I pour out my soul and nobody is listening. Perhaps because I do think this is unfair. I have served my God with all my heart. I have done everything He has asked me to do. I stuck it out and stayed the course when others would have dropped the torch. No, I know I am far from perfect, but God, I have tried really hard to give my entire life to you. Where are you now…now when I need you the most?

I am sorry, that is not fair. I do see Him all around me. A friend gave me a dozen roses just two days ago. A week ago, the sisters in my ward honored me and read a beautiful letter written to me by my daughter. The bishop gave me a sweet, sweet blessing. The list goes on and on, so please don’t think me ungrateful. I am so thankful for all the love, especially from friends. I’m just tired. I want God to heal me now or take me home. Maybe, just maybe I can go back to sleep now. Things will look brighter in the morning.