My baby, he wrote me a letter!!!

I haven't written for awhile...It has been hard to face the facts and then share them with others. The cancer is back. I have known for quite awhile. and the Dr and tests confirmed it about a week or so ago. It is hitting me harder this time...especially with my eyesight. It seems to be failing me some each day. I don't have another MRI until the 24th, and then I talk to the neurosurgeon on the 29th and see Joni again on or around the 30th. I am more at peace this time. I do pool therapy 3 times a week and it has really helped ease the pain. I want to go to Utah in August...just not sure if I am going to make it or not. Thanks for your continued love and support and especially your prayers. They mean so very much to me. My brother Billy came to see me last week...it was so nice to see him once again. Maybe I can get Gary to drive me down to see Barbara one of these days soon. Keep in touch...I do enjoy your emails and blog comments so very much. God be with you. Love, EDK

Jaynee

Thanks to Gilbert. Your comment was the best part of my week.

The graduation party for Joette was nice. She had a nice get together here with family and friends.

But it has been a tough week. I feel like the cancer is back. I don't go to see Joni for another couple of weeks, but this week has been tough. I have cried a lot. I feel very much alone and I am not sure why. If I have to go through another round of chemo, I think it will kill me.

April changed her minutes on her phone to save money...and it seems the whole family is on the same family plan, except us. Dad won't let me change services as we get ours for free, which I totally understand. But still, I really miss talking to April and Kenzie.

The Lord always hears and answers prayers. Jaynee brought her kids over for lunch yesterday, and even talked to me later on the phone. I love you, Jaynee!!!! And I know when I do service for someone it lifts my spirits, so I have tried to help others all week.

But still, cancer stinks....and hurts! I think that is what I get so tired of.. the pain. Different each day.

Well, it is a lovely day. We have hay cut in the field and as I sit here typing, I can smell it and I love the smell.It is a pretty day, so I need to force myself to do something productive. I think sometime next week we are going camping. I want to get a fishing license and go fishing!!

Talk to you all next week. Hope life finds you well and happy.

I tried to get the yard in shape for Joette's graduation party. Here are some pictures.

URGENT!!!!!

All of us are being affected by the gas price. Senator Peterson from PA was on the Glenn Beck radio program today urging all of us to send a letter to our Senators and Representatives pleading with them to release the moratorium on off shore drilling in this country. According to Senator Peterson, we are the only country that is not a third world country that does not allow off shore drilling. Go to Glennbeck .com and read the article and if you feel as strongly about this as I do, contact your Senators and Representative by tomorrow and let them know that you want the moratorium lifted. Senator Peterson tried to pass a bill last week but it failed to go through because the Democrat majority voted against it. President Bush is going to address the congress tomorrow and hopefully convince the Senators and Representatives throughout Congress to reconsider the devastation that having our oil locked up will be to for this country. Read the article, and if you want to help, send a letter or email to your representatives urging them remove the moratorium to off shore drilling.

Please forward this to those who might be a little worried about the future of this country. They can find their Senators and Representatives address by going on line and looking them up. For those of you who live in Washington State, I have done the work for you…all you have to do is email or phone to those listed below.



The Honorable Cathy McMorris Rodgers
1708 Longworth
Washington, D.C. 20515
(202) 225-2006

Cantwell, Maria- (D - WA)Class I 511 DIRKSEN SENATE OFFICE BUILDING WASHINGTON DC 20510 (202) 224-3441 Web Form: cantwell.senate.gov/contact/index.html

Murray, Patty- (D - WA)Class III 173 RUSSELL SENATE OFFICE BUILDING WASHINGTON DC 20510 (202) 224-2621 Web Form: murray.senate.gov/email/index.cfm

It is So Beautiful Outside today!!!

The weather has finally gotten beautiful. I have been outside every chance I get. My yard is looking so much nicer than it ever has. I love my pond and flowers. Joette graduated Saturday morning. You'll have to go to her blog and read about her memorable experience...I laughed so hard on the way home when she told me about her cap and gown. We had a little get together for her Saturday night. Not a huge crowd...just a few of her close friends and the family. It was a lot of fun. I am so proud of her. She will probably go on to get her Masters Degree. I just wish it was not so expensive for her to continue.

It seems like everything is getting so costly especially since this gas crisis. I have learned to just take a deep breath and pray with a sincere heart. When I do this several times a day it removes the worry, as I feel God's love and trust He will take care of my family. He will take care of the future as He has the past...(from the song "Be still, My Soul")

I feel pretty good. I overdo it most days and need to take it easier, but it is so nice to be off of chemo and able to do a few more things. Last night I walked home from a friends house...I walked a good mile and up a steep hill!!! I feel pretty good about that. I used to walk 3 miles every day, and at one time 5, but since cancer and my back injury I have a terrible time moving the ol' bootee.

Oh, and hello Lindi!!! It was so good to hear from you and to know that you are doing well.
I think it is so cool when I hear from some of the kids I taught in seminary because of this blog!

Families are Forever, Aren't you glad?????

Thank you Keithy Weithy for fixing my computer. What would this family do without your expertise. Thanks to Bry Bry for helping me with my little girl. She sits at the edge of the pond so sweetly! Thanks, Jo Jo, Kakers, and Lore for helping make my thrown together dinner last night taste wonderful with your great additions, and the fact that you were here and brought your kids. Sorry kids that we didn't get to play "kick the can".

Have you ever eaten Naan bread? Oh my gosh...it is wonderful and you can flavor it anyway you choose to. Thanks Jo Jo.

Thanks to Apey Snapey for always calling me. I love to talk to you and the girls. Well I need to get busy, I guess. Have a great day!!!

Teaching

Thursday night we went to Joette's advanced certificate graduation for institute. She acompanied the choir and we had a nice dinner, I met Bro. Adams and we talked about seminary and institute. I told him I didn't think I could do seminary as it would be every day, but he asked me what I thought about institute once a week. I just got chills!!! I think it would be the reason I am still alive...to work with the young, single adults on a weekly basis. I have gotten to teach them a few times on a substitute basis,and I really love that age. There is very little discipline because the youth really want to be there. Anyway, he said he would let me know in a week or so, so here's hoping!!!!!!

Robert D. Hales

Sunday, Robert D. Hales was the Apostle that came to visit our Stake Conference and speak to us. He gave so much advise on living a joyful life and being blessed as we keep the commandments. He also talked about light and how as members living righteously, we carry that light with us wherever we go. Elder Merrill from the 70's came with him, and both meetings were so beautiful. I had a sweet exchange with Elder Hales on Saturday night. I found myself, upon leaving for home with him being right in front of me and nobody shaking his hand, so for a split moment, I thanked him for his beautiful thoughts and then told him I was just pronounced cancer free after almost 5 years of cancer and that I had been in stage 4 cancer. He asked me what kind and I told him. He looked at me and with the most genuine look of love told me to look for him in three years and tell him that I was still alive. Now, it was not a blessing, par say, but more like a promise that If I would look to serve where God wants me to I would live...at least for three more years. I really felt the spirit go right through me as he talked and counseled with me for those brief moments.

I keep asking the Lord what he would have me do each day of my life. Today I was sick all day. More or less exhausted and worried that my cancer is coming back. I cried a little, and prayed for some blessings I have been seeking in my life. I just hope I figure out my mission soon.

The yard is looking better all the time, and I hope I continue to have the strength to keep it up this year. I keep hoping Joette will choose to have her reception here. She is going to have her graduation party here. If it is a nice day, we will BBQ and enjoy the outdoors. God Bless You all!!!

Loving Spring

Okay, so I still have not figured out a way to download Kenzie's sweet recording, but i did take some photo's of the yard. It still needs a ton of work as last year I didn't do much of anything. I will take some more pictures in a month or so so you can see the improvement!!! Let's hope there is some!

Gamma

Today was a beautiful day for church. I did just realize though, that most of the Laurels that I have taught the past two years will be graduating and moving on with their lives. I truly love those girls. They are so spiritual and beautiful...it will really be hard to part with them. I am so thankful that I got the chance to be in their presence each week. What a blessing they have been. We had a lesson from a conference talk about faith and it left me wondering what Heavenly Father has planned for me now. I want so much to do what He wants me to do. Not knowing if the cancer will be back in a month, a year or 10 years...I just want to learn to listen to the spirit better than I ever have so that I can do God's will each and every day.

I had someone come over from "All About Ponds" and fix my pond. i could never get it to look right, and it always leaked. It now runs and looks nice, plus it has places for me to put some plants, etc. I have worked outside almost every day this week. Sherry came over Friday afternoon with her granddaughter and we went to CDA to pick up two of my granddaughters and go shopping for awhile. The next morning they helped me, along with Linda, to get more of my planting done. It has been a cool spring, but I have enjoyed it so far, as I cannot stand the heat and working outside. My yard is really looking up this year, and it makes me happy.
When I get the front done, I will post some pictures.

I talked to April and Kenzie for a little while last night. Oh, how I miss them. Kenzie called me one day last week. She must have pushed redial on her mom's phone or something. I was not home, so she left a message on my answering machine. She gibber-jabbered for a minute or two, and I could only understand a word here and there, and then, just as plain as day she said, "Gamma, where are you?" Then there was a pause. "Where are you Gamma?" After which she let out a very heavy sigh and with tears in her voice she hung up with a sorrowful "Bye, Gamma." I can not bare to erase her message from my phone, and I listen to it several times a day. Does anyone know how I can record it and put it on my computer? It is priceless to me.

Have a great week.

Good News

HURRAY!!!!!!

I am in remission!!!
Thank you for all of your prayers. Thank you Heavenly Father.

Ripples

Some of you saw the pictures I sent out of Mckenzie by the reflection pond at the SLC Temple. Today, I used those pictures in my lesson as I talked to the girls about preparing to go to the temple. I answered many of their questions and then we talked about the eternal nature of the temple and I showed the pictures. The first one didn't have anyone in it, just ripples, that had traveled across the entire pond. The next one was of Kenzie, touching the water,ever so lightly, and yet, she was making ripples. The next one was her watching the ripples she had made as they traveled across the pond. The last one was of her reaching far into the pool to make even a bigger splash. I told the girls that their life was like those ripples, and that the choice they make to go to the temple is eternal and will go on forever and ever and that every choice they make will have a consequence. Then I told them of my sealing to Gary in the temple and had them listen to a beautiful recording of my granddaughter, Ashlee, singing "I love to see the temple".

Since then, I have thought so much about the ripple effect of each of our lives. I went to the Stake Young Women in Excellence tonight where Joette was the keynote speaker, and felt the ripple effect of her talk...so spiritual, so tender. Then I thought of April and Chay and their being parents of two darling girls, and the ripple effect of their training on their children and teaching them to love God. And my other children, Bryon and Keith and their spouses and children, all of us, sealed in God's holy temple, reaching out to touch the world, to make it a better place....and it will go on forever and ever and my heart rejoiced. Sometimes I wish I could have done more, or said more or shared more. And failed less...but those ripples of eternity remind me that I have made my mark on the world, and I believe Heavenly Father looks down upon me and is pleased...maybe not so much with my efforts, but of those that are following His course because I was here.

Mother's day

It was wonderful. The day was not my usual Mother's day, though. I was invited to Keith and Calie's for dinner, but the night before Calie got really sick. Keith took me out Saturday night for breakfast. Ashlee was speaking in Sacrament meeting the next day (Mother's Day), so I went to hear her. I loved how she talked about her mom's laugh and how she never looses her mom in a crowd because she can hear her laugh!!! Calie does have the most infectious laugh of anyone I know! She also said some sweet things about her grandma. I was touched to tears.

When we got home from Church, I decided to treat my favorite mother's to dinner, so I made dinner for both of my son's wives and there families. I even made homemade bread...not very good, I am out of practice. Bryon sent over a lovely geranium and Joette gave me some mascara
And April gave me a wonderful letter. It was a sweet day. And Heather, anytime you want to come I will put you to work. And Jaynee...would love to see you ...just call to make sure we are home...and bring those cute babies out to see me!!!! I am working in my yard as much as I possibly can this year. Saturday I went to a plant exchange for the ward. It was really fun and I gopt some things I have never seen before. I have a ground cover I planted a couple of years ago and it is taking over the yard..like some kind of creeping monster. Time for the round-up, baby!!!

If I still have Health Insurance...and could we all bow our heads and say a prayer that I do... will have a Pet scan this Wednesday, and I will learn from that if I have any active cancer growing in my body anywhere. Thank you all for your faith and prayers I cannot wait to go camping this summer. Can anyone tell me why my computer keeps going to italics without me asking it to????Do you ever wonder if they have a mind of their own and they are plotting to take over the world??? Anyone out there want to go camping with us? Have a great week!!!!

Cancer Overload

I had a Dr.s appointment on Monday with the neurosurgeon and he pointed out another spot on my brain that they had seen on the MRI I took last week. Then on Tuesday I saw Joni and she wants to do another Pet Scan "just to see how things are looking in side" She is still excited about my low numbers, but a little worried about the pain I have been having in my neck, shoulders and down my arms. I fell about a month ago, slipped getting out of the tub, and the pain has increased since then. Then today I got a call from the scheduler for the Pet Scan and they said I didn't have health insurance anymore and it was about then that I freaked out....Cancer overload!!! I did get the insurance thing straightened out....I think. And just this minute ago, I hit a key on my computer that turned all my typing into italics (Not Intended)!!!! Wow...I don't know what I did, but now I am typing in regular script again.

I wanted to go to a mother/daughter thing tonight at the church, but I didn't have a daughter available, plus I missed taking my pain medicine and I probably would have torn someones eyes out if they looked at me wrong....just kidding, I would have stepped on their toes!!! My Master Bath is still torn apart. We can't seem to find the towel bars that Gary took off while I was gone and he started the painting...I bought a beautiful rug for the bathroom at Costco's and realized I needed two rugs, then drove all over trying to find another rug, which never materialized. And tonight I lost a letter that I was supposed to mail for Gary and failed to do it....I think I wrote the number I was to call about my insurance for the Pet Scan I am supposed to take on the back of it...who knows?..Okay, enough is enough...I am stressed, can you tell???

I can't end this without saying something positive...Oh, my cancer Dr, asked me if I wanted to be on Q6 news and answer 6 questions about my illness and how I have dealt with it. Now, keep in mind, she asked me this yesterday and I enthusiastically said, "I would love to." Was I nuts??? No. Most days are really wonderful, and I thank God I am alive to enjoy a new moment...but every once in awhile there is a day like today, and I just want to scream!!!!!!!!!!

Ripples

I am thinking about the ripples of my life tonight...how everything you do and think and feel has an affect on you and all those around you. In the innocence of this beautiful child are ripples that reach to eternity. They start with just a touch and spread out, making circles of love that go on forever.Can you feel it? I am so grateful that life goes on forever and that images such as these and the ones that follow will forver be in my heart and mind. Thank you Heavenly Father. I love you.

So Much Love

Kenzie --A gift...JuJu- Joy in the morning

A Heart Ache

I made it home today. It was so nice to have that extra week. We got most of the laundry room done, and it looks so nice. Chay just needs to build some shelves for food storage now.
April has this unique power to hope for something and then she receives it. She wanted cabinets for her laundry room, so she prayed and got free cabinets given to her. We painted them all and they look great. She hoped for a piano and we found her a really nice one free. Last night she heard from a woman who has a wooden fence, only a few years old in great condition, and they can have it free if they take it down. It is so cool to watch, as she pays her tithing and trusts God how he blesses her and her family.

Last night, we had family prayer downstairs where I always sleep when I go to her home. I was crying when they all came down, knowing how much I will miss them. McKenzie was concerned to see grandma cry. She asked me if I was sick. I told her "Yes, I have cancer, but that is not why I am crying. I am crying because my heart hurts because tomorrow i go back home on the airplane and I don't know when I will see you again." She patted my back and then left the room for a few minutes only to come back with a hat that I gave her over a year ago when I visited her home after having chemo. I wore that hat most of the time because I didn't have any hair, and when I left to fly home, I gave her the hat and asked that she not forget me. So, last night, with the hat in her hand she told me in unspoken words that she will never forget me, as she clutched the hat I had given her. April called tonight and said Mckenzie had asked about me all day. I sobbed and sobbed. She is so close to my heart. It is so hard to have her live so far away. The only advantage is that when I go to see April I have quality time with my grandkids and really feel like I get to know them. The grandkids that live near home come over for Sunday dinners and such, but we never seem to get together to just enjoy one another, except when we go camping. Anyway, I cried quite a bit today, and my heart still aches for two little girls. I would love to see my other grandkids real soon.

Long Time Friend

I am struggling with a problem that I don't have a clue what to do about, except to just let it go...which has never been my style. I had a friend that I corresponded via email for almost 6 years, and now that person will not receive email from me. It was wonderful to renew our childhood friendship. He actually helped me to sort out much of the abuse I endured as a child. I was under the impression I had helped him some, too. I had several spiritual experiences that made me feel certain that I was to share the gospel with him...but all of a sudden he up and closed the door without warning.

I don't understand. I am grateful, though, we had the time to talk to one another, and I hope he knows he was a great strength in building my realtionship with my husband and my brothers and sisters. I am still in Utah, and had a nice visit with my sister yesterday which would have never happened 6 years ago. Life is interesting. Heavenly Father brings people and experiences into our lives when we need to grow to become more like him. So to my friend...I will always be thankful our lives crossed again after so long a silence. I hope I don't have to waint another 30 years to hear from you again! God Bless You Always!!

My Idol

I decided at the last minute to stay another week with April and chay and the girls. It was hard....I though I actually had until tomorrow to stay, but when I found out I was to go home today, it just seemed to0 short of a visit. It is hard to come and harder to leave. April and I did go to see Emma Smith (the movie) last night and it was so incredible. Most of the same actors are in the movie "Joseph Smith" playing in the Legacy theater right now. The movie was incredibly well done and I felt my heart just break for Emma and all that she suffered. I think every Latter-day Saint woman should see it.

I got to see my sister this morning. We had breakfast at IHOP. That is another reason I did not want to go home just yet. I hadn't seen her or Melody or Jeannie B.

I have felt pretty good this time around, only I still get very tired. It was hard to leave my hubby home for another week. This is my last trip down here without him. It is my last trip anywhere without him. I miss him with a huge ache in my heart. I understand more than ever before why Marriage is meant to be eternal. And watching that movie last night just confirmed it again for me. Have a good night 's sleep honey bunny !

And you know what else is just cool??? David Archeletta and Brook White are still going strong on American Idol!!!! Hurray!!!!!

My Week

It is Monday morning and I am watching JU JU while April gets paint and primer for the basement. We got it cleaned up and taped over the weekend. I am loving seeing the girls. Mckenzie is definitely in her twos...sometimes she couldn't be more precious, and then other times....oh boy, watch out!! I taught JuJu patty cake yesterday.

I went to a production put on by Weber State insitute where Dennis Winters danced and their choir sang. The entire program was patriotic in theme and it made me so proud to be an American. It was nice to see that while so many are trashing the country, these strong Latter Day saints were singing with all they had in them.

Yesterday we went to a farewell Sacrament meeting for one of Chay's cousins. It was wonderful. She was born death, and after her family came to Utah, she was able to get the help she needed. She spoke at her fairwell, and I was able to understand her. She was called to go on a sign language mission. The other guy who spoke talked about all the miracles he had witnessed when he was on a Tongon mission. Afterwards we went to Chay's uncle's home for goodies. I am so excited for April that she has such a terrific family so close by.

April and I are sneaking out tomorrow night to the movies. I am headed downstairs now to prime the laundry room. I am feeling pretty good this week, as long as I get 10 or so hours of sleep and an hour or so nap in the afternoon.

I'm Leaving on a Jet Plane

I m leaving in a few minutes to for SLC to see April and Chay and their cute baby girls. On Sunday i was having second thoughts, but this morning I woke up to snow again, and decided 75 degree weather sounded really nice I hope to help her with her laundry room/storage room. She got some cabinets given to her and she is painting them white. Chay is the handy man that hung them, and April says they look really great. I love that kind of stuff, and although I am a little more tired than I hoped I would be, it will be fun to help where I can. I wish Gary was going with me, but he said he would stay here and start the painting in the Master bath. Soon we will start the laundry room project. It will be so nice to have a mud room/laundry room that is bigger than a postage stamp!!!

The kids were all here Sunday night to celebrate my low tumor markers and to say goodbye as I will be gone a couple of weeks. I will try to take some pictures and post them while I am gone.Well...the plane is going to be here soon...better get going. I Love you guys!!! See you soon!!

My Son in-law

I am really thankful for Chay!!!!!!

Remember to Give Thanks

I am thankful for:

The Savior
My testimony
Prayer
The General Authorities
The last three days of sunshine
My wonderful husband
lifelong friends
New friends
My children
my grandchildren
My Cancer Doctor
Modern Medicine
My senses
Love
all of nature
gifts from God
the ability to work(I painted my bathroom this week...hurray)
sleep
kind words
forgiveness
good food
chocolate chip cookies
color
laughter
tears
sadness
joy
honesty
those you can rely on
Jeannie's model of service
our car
airplanes
my computer
the telephone
my home
the view from our front porch
the view from our deck
water
being pain free
hugging and being hugged
the success of my two sons in raising righteous families as priesthood holders
my daughter in-laws
flowers
animals
silent times of contemplation
household items that make life easier
my heating pad
feet that don't hurt
the ability to walk
camera's
pictures
Spring
my brothers and sisters
members of the church
the ability to make choices
the USA
Idaho
Newman Lake
I could probably go on for another hour or so. When I prayed tonight, the thought came to me to be thankful and to express it outloud. We are all so blessed. Thank you Heavenly Father

To Blog or not to Blog....

I haven't written in awhile...I have felt really good this week, and I painted my bathroom and have been looking for new things to decorate with. (Whoops, maybe I should be buying food storage...) That was not meant to be derogatory. I just needed a change after being cooped up this long, snowy winter.

I had really good news on Monday, when Dr. Nichols called to tell me my tumor markers were down to 16. I think normal is about 3 to 8 or something like that. Which means I am almost normal!!!!! hahahahaha!!! Okay, okay...so I will never really be normal.

I know that my last few entries have not been the most uplifting. For almost three weeks I felt yucky every day. I didn't know it, but I had a low grade infection. I do think it is harder to stay positive when you are battling an illness such as cancer to always stay cheerful. I read a quote that helped me:

"At . . . moments of crisis and challenge, some choose to abandon
faith just at the time when it most needs to be embraced. Prayer is ignored
at the very hour when it needs to be intensified. Virtue is carelessly
tossed aside when it needs to be cherished. God is forsaken in the
all-too-human yet mistaken fear that He has forsaken us.


"The truth is that our only safety, our only security, our only
hope is to hold fast to that which is good. As the mists of darkness gather
around us, we are only lost if we choose to let go of the iron rod, which
is the word of God."
(David S. Baxter

Your prayers are always appreciated, and I know I have lived this long because of your faith.

Someone told me that I say too much on my blog. I am just not savvy with the blog world, and think it is a waste of time if I cannot express honestly how I feel. I started this blog to track my feelings through this disease of cancer, thinking perhaps other people had struggles and were battling difficulties also. My hope and intent was to share with you the blessings of the disease and all that I have learned through the struggles, and to lift you... not to drag you down. But sometimes I get down. Maybe on those days, I should stay away from the computer!!!.

They come and they go

Apparently I offended a dear friend and they pulled out of my life without warning. I don't even know what I said or did, but they cut me off as though I were already dead. I just do not understand life sometimes...I try so hard never to offend or hurt. I sincerely try to love those around me. What is it that I do so wrong? Oh well....another one bites the dust!

Conference

Ol' Scratch tried really hard to keep us from conference this time. We woke up Saturday to three inches of new, wet snow and so our satellite didn't work. Same with Sunday morning. We got dressed up both days and headed for the Stake Center. Time was when we had to go three times as far for every conference. We would pack a lunch and either eat in the car or out by the gazebo in between sessions. Life has gotten so easy, that now we just roll out of bed and curl up by the TV. We did enjoy it, though, and it was sort of nice to go to the building and be there, especially for the Solemn Assembly and setting apart of the Prophet and 1st Presidency.
We also had a little misunderstanding here. Gary thought he had a date for the priesthood session and waited until 5 minutes before it was to start to realize they were not coming. He had been in his shirt and tie all day, and he really wanted to go. It was very sad for me when he got in his sweats and went out to his shop.

Now, some of you are thinking, "Why didn't he just go by himself?" You have to know how hard it is for him to do that. Someday, I am sure he will be able to, but it took him 28 years to be active in the church, and there are so many things that are just difficult for him to do by himself. I think of the Prophets telling us that everyone needs a friend. I broke down and just sobbed for him after he went outside.I worry what will happen to him when I am gone. He has been such an incredible companion to me through all of my cancer problems, has taken a calling lately and really did a good job, and is always giving to those around him. Well, it is over and I just need to forgive and move on. Maybe next conference. One of my son's, when he found out what had happened, promised that it would never happen again. In defense of the perpetrator, his life is extremely busy, and he was serving his own son by taking him to conference and then out to dinner, and apparently just forgot.

I went to the see my doctor yesterday. She took me off chemo, as it has split both of my feet so bad I can hardly walk, plus it is making my toenails fall off. I want to go to April's next week but now I am not sure if I can go or not. I am going to call Joni and ask her about having the nails surgically removed today or tomorrow, but I don't know how painful that will be or for how long. The cracks were doing much better yesterday, but I decided to finish up the painting in the bathroom and I think I was on my feet too long, because they hurt like heck this morning. On the bright side, my tumor markers are still down and my body is still responding well to treatment for the most part. I get to be off everything for about a month...all the chemo stuff, so I am really looking forward to feeling better. Thanks for being a sounding board...it really helps to be able to talk things out sometimes.

Publishing time

Can someone tell me how i can get this blog published so that i can close it out?

Painting

Only this time it is my bathroom. Trust me...it is much easier to pick up a brush and paint a tree!! The bathroom has close to 20 feet ceilings in the skylight. We have had to borrow ladders, Bryon and Taylor just to get that part done. I thought I'd be real brave today and start getting all the corners , and after about 10 minutes, I was just wiped out. If I kick this cancer, and I feel that I might, I wonder if I will ever gain any of my strength back??? Anyway I am doing the bathroom in 3 tones of blue....and then it is on to my bedroom. I want to at least have the bathroom done before I head for SLC the middle of the month. We are changing out the fixtures and making it a huge project....but it has been 15 years since we have done anything in there. Ticket prices to SLC and back are really good right now and little JU JU is growing so fast....trying to catch up with her big sister....I just don't want to miss any of it!!!

I have 3 1/2 days left on this chemo, and I can not tell you how happy that makes me. All I want to do is sleep and cry. The Doc said if the markers are still down, that she'd give me a months break. I have decided that if they are back up, I am done, so we will see. I got a phone call from Barbara and another one from Linda, and yet another one from Valjean. It has been wonderful to hear from my family so much.

I think spring is finally trying to break through. I will need to hire help with the planting, but I am so excited that I lived another year to get petunias in the ground. April wants to plant flowers , and Linda knows a lot about them. She said she would go help April. Well not much else is new around here...I just think it is important to keep planning and doing. Joette is house-sitting a mansion that overlooks the Hayden/Dalton area and she had me come up last night. She made me a gourmet Indian dinner and we watched "August Rush". It was wonderful, and I had the best time. I might sneak back up there and take a shower in their incredible 4 or 5 head shower. I recommend "Enchantment', August Rush, the Martian Child, and 'Simon Birch" for you home video addicts. Great flicks! Have a good week!!!

Focus on what we can do and not on what we can't

A friend sent me this. Please watch and enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LnLVRQCjh8c

I had good news this week.My tumor markers are down to 24. That is the lowest that they have been since I got cancer. I will stay on the chemo for a couple of more rounds and then see where we go from there. I am cautiously optimistic. Last week I had bad headaches and felt pretty sick, but I think now it was just a flu bug of some kind.

My sister, Linda, had my daughter and her family over for Easter dinner, which made me so happy.I have had blessings from so many people, and truely I do not know where to start to pay them back. I am so thankful that Linda is so close to April and living in Ogden.. I have decided to keep looking for ways to serve in the best way I can. If these two kids can dance like they did, then certainly I can find a spot somewhere to do some good, and lift a life...maybe share some joy!! I can finish my granddaughters Easter dresses....they will only be a week or so late...but when all the other girls have shown off their new dresses, my granddaughters will have the latest new dresses! hahahaha!!!! I have made up my mind to do the most I can and not beat up myself for not doing everything I once could!

Spring is almost here and I am going to get to plant flowers again...I am sooooo excited!!

Mozart?

Chay and his dad drove all the way from SLC this weekend to pick up the piano that Keith inherited when he sold a house last month. April has wanted one for quite sometime. I told her how I got mine...by praying for one. We could not afford one at that time, and Gary's mom went to the Methodist Church minister in CDA and asked him about the piano she had give to the church 30 years earlier. The minister told her that if she could find the piano in the building, that she could have it back. She did, and to make a long story short, paid to have the insides restored and the ivory keys fixed and I redid the wood...and presto...we had a beautiful piano that my children played on growing up. Technically, our piano is Keith's and someday he will get it
as it was a birthday gift to him from grandma Tomblin. Joette fills our home with music on occasion and I just love it and although April will need need a little brush up practicing, she really does have loads of expression in her music It is a darling piano, and our prayers were answered again. I hope she thanks the source.

This weekend was "Time Out" for women and it was fabulous...especially Michael Mclain. he had several new songs and all of my favorites...and they seemed to strike me with an even greater impact than ever before. I do feel "Alone" and in need of a "Coming Light" more than ever before in my days since Cancer. Jeannie took me, and took care of me. What a terrific woman she is. I have never known anyone who serves so unselfishly. Jeannie...I Love You!!!
Take time to pray where you might serve today. One of my young woman, Lexie, wrote a poem that she dedicated to me and gave it to me, beautifully framed, at church this morning. It is so well written, and she is so talented. I wish I was as good as it made me sound.
God bless each of you...and thank you for your prayers that continue to sustain me!!!

Babies in Orlando

Gamma Knife

Last Wednesday I had my Gamma Knife treatment. The neurosurgeon in charge was looking to find at least 3 tumors in my brain, but after all the testing, he could only find one small one. He told me that they usually find more tumors instead of less. So I am thankful once again for all of your prayers! It was a rather gruesome procedure, but I took Sherry with me and we managed to have a great day. I have felt a little tired since the ordeal, but that was to be expected.I am sending you some pictures and a short movie of me trying to eat with the contraption they use in the procedure bolted to my head. Have a good laugh!!!

Orlando

We are home from our fabulous trip. Thanks to all of you who prayed, I had a ton of energy and so much fun the entire trip i want to refer you to April's Blog. Her description of all of it is so much better than I could have ever written:

http://chasingchaypril.blogspot.com/

I do want to highlight some special things about the trip. One was when I was in the train with Mckenzie on my lap and I looked forward and saw Bryon rubbing Joette's neck and shoulders with such love and tenderness.(She hurt her back the day before we left for the trip, and he was trying to comfort her.) He had no idea I was watching.

Another favorite was taking Mckenzie and AJ on my scooter and having them fall asleep in my arms.

Keith aways rubbing my neck or hugging me and asking me how I was doing.

And on the last night,just as I was going to bed...utterly exhausted and teary eyed that is was over...Bryon came into my bedroom and held me and thanked me for such a wonderful time. He also thanked me for being his mother and how proud I should be of the family that I had raised. We both cried. I told him what a great man he was...with so much love and compassion for those around him. He denied it...but it is so true.

And so these are the things about Orlando I will remember...How April, suffering from an MS episode stayed home the last night and helped clean up the house...her service to me. Joette helping to take care of the babies and being Taylors friend...Chay growing closer to Keith and Bryon. Dad growing closer to all of the kids. Mckenzie flirting with Taylor and Isaac...she just loved them. So many simple things touched my heart and I am so glad we spent the money and went. Gary and I am planning another trip soon to Radium Hot Springs and looking forward to the serenity of the Canadian Rockies. A friend just reminded me to make choices to LIVE. I am going to remind each of you. Life is short...fill it with family and service.

I started Chemo the day we got back and am having the gamma knife treatment this week. So this has been a rough week...but a dear friend is coming over to spend tomorrow with me as I go through this

Lists

I am not sure what I want to say or even how to say it. I am afraid that no matter what I say tonight it will judged a pity trip, especially by those least qualified to judge, and that is not what is intended here.

At least once a week I do have a mental melt down and life just gets hard. Tonight I got left off a list...sort of like I was already dead and I cannot believe how much it hurt me. You see, I have had this friend for at least twelve years or more and I considered her one of my dearest treasures...but ever since I got cancer, and the docs said it was fatal, she has slowly cut me out of her life. She does not call me, so I call her. She does not come to see me, so I go see her. A different friend asked me the other day to share with her what cancer has taught me....and I told her I didn't realize before I had cancer what a lonely disease it was. I told her not to be afraid of someone because they are dyeing because we all are. Now I am not sure if this is why I have been cut out of my friends life. Maybe I hurt her feelings and didn't know it. Maybe I said or did something that she felt was below me or below her. Maybe I hurt one of her children. I just know the special relationship we had is gone and it makes my heart sad.

A little over two years ago, I found out that Mary...down the hill from me, had her cancer come back. Mine was still in remission at the time. I went to see her a few times and she brought me a little house for my collection. On the day I found out my cancer was back I went to see her and when I knocked on her door, her husband told me to leave them alone, that they had just been told that there was nothing more that they could do for her and had given her 3 months to live.

I never went back to see her. I was afraid her husband would be angry with me or that her two big dogs might chase me up the hill, and I would not be able to move fast enough to get away from them. But I could have driven down to her house, or called her, or I could have told her husband where to go and that I was visiting her rather he liked it or not...but I didn't and she died. I didn't go because I didn't know what I could say to her.

I went to her funeral but it seemed like a hollow offering. Anyway...people, young and old, rich or poor, sick or well all need the same thing. They need to know they are of worth. Sometimes , my daughter, Joette, just rubs my feet and legs and says nothing. But it feels so good and is such a Christlike gesture that I weep knowing how much she cares.

I know of another woman who died this year of cancer. I have been told that she was the most upbeat person, and never once complained. Maybe that is my problem....I talk about cancer openly. I try not to whine, but if people ask, I explain where I am in the disease. And in the darkness of night...like now...when I am awake with all my concerns about my family and the hereafter....hoping I have been valiant enough...I do cry...and I don't think I am full of self pity. I think any normal person would cry. Most of my tears are me calling out to God to just be with me for one more night. And usually by the next day, I have felt His loving arms around me and I am back trying to accomplish something of worth...trying to live! When I am talking to a friend who I know really cares, sometimes I cry. (I can still laugh my head off, too though...and sometimes I do both in the same sentence).

I am mostly just talking to myself this night...I just wish I knew what happened to my friend. A really wonderful thing happened today, though....my sister, Barbara, called to thank me for coming to see her. It was just a short visit, but I am so glad I went. You see, I love her. I cannot do much, but I found a way to do that. Look at your list. Have you filled your life with so much unnecessary stuff that you've crowded someone who once was important out ? I did that to Mary, and I feel the regret every day. Just last week, Gary kept saying he should go see Ray, an old friend of his. Ray died Tuesday. Gary never made it over to see him. Thank you God for my life and all that I have learned and am learning. I feel better now..and I will feel even better after I have knelt in prayer and made sure You are at the top of my list!

The Birds

I am sitting here working on my life history...the sun is shining and the birds are chirping...even though we have at least two feet of snow on the ground. It really is a beautiful day.

Thank you, Father

It is late, but I really felt I needed to share my thoughts tonight. We had a family council and dinner tonight about the trip. It was mostly just a lot of fun ruckus, but we were all happy to be going. We were also very grateful that April has taken it on herself to be in charge of getting the food together and seeing that everyone has a chance to help out with meals. Thanks, April. Even though you are far away, we felt your influence and desire to help and we are really looking forward for our family trip.

I also want to bare my testimony again about the power of prayer. I was really bummed yesterday...I fell the day before and I had so much pain...anyway, I was not very pleasant to be around all day long. Then I read the lesson I had to teach the Laurels today, and forgive me, I got so blasted mad,I just lost it. The lesson was on bringing spirituality in your home by improving your environment and your spirituality. Here I am in the middle of a physical and mental breakdown and I have to teach WHAT?????

I said to God, "How can you ask me to teach something that I am so far away from right now?" I cried and cried and then read the lesson again, only this time I read another article that spoke about the influence a spiritual home can have on the entire family and the world around us. I decided to go to bed and face this struggle this morning. I could not sleep. I had so much pain.

Finally I woke up Gary and asked for a blessing. He got out of bed and walked around to my side of the bed with the light still off and gave me the sweetest blessing. I was promised a good night sleep and that my pain would let up. He did not know about my struggle with giving this lesson today, but he blessed me that all would go well with my lesson and that the spirit would be with me as I taught. When I got up this morning, as part of the lesson I was supposed to call a girl and ask her to bring something that represented spirituality in her home. A lot of the girls were gone today because there was a mission farewell in another ward. So, I thought (Oh me of such little faith...) Good, there won't be too many girls in my class, so if I blow this terribly, at least some of the girls will be spared.

Well, Heavenly father stepped in. I just decided to tell the girls that I was not doing to well in this area of my life right now and we all talked of how we could do better. And then I asked the girl who I had asked to bring something spiritual from her home to share with the rest of us what she had brought from her home. Now, her mom attends my class sometimes, and was in our class today, so I didn't think much of it...but the girl said, "I brought my mom. She is everything good and wonderful about our home, and even though she is going through a really difficult time right now, she tries to be as happy as she can be." The spirit was so sweet...her mom started to cry, because she did not know why she was there. She has had so many struggles in her life that it breaks my heart!!!

Okay, now for the point. I was able to teach the lesson...the spirit guided me through everything that I was to say. It was a sweet lesson, but more importantly I knew that just because I was having a rough time right now did not mean it has always been this way in my home. I realized that Heavenly Father loves me and wants me to succeed in my calling as well as in being a wife, mother and grandmother. I also realized that many have been in our home and have felt the spirit. I just love the way Heavenly Father loves and understands me. I screw up so often...and yet He still cares. I am still His child. The day finished out with our family get together and a wonderful family prayer. Thank you, Father, for loving me.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

This has been a full week. It was hard to hear of President Gordon B. Hinckley's passing, but wonderful to know he is back home with those that love him best. His funeral was so touching, and I was reflecting on my life and comparing it to this giant of a man's life and felt like I have accomplished nothing. But a dear friend of mine pointed out to me that I did not have his mantle. That my mantle has been to raise 4 beautiful children in the church...all with testimonies of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. I thought about that some more, and how I haven't had the best of health or the strength I would have desired to have in my lifetime. I am not complaining, though. For all the struggles I have gone through, great lessons have followed and much love from Heavenly Father and dear friends.

The one thing I am learning in all of this is to trust the Priesthood. I know there are those of you out there who think sometimes we over due the priesthood and abuse it by asking for too many blessings. I wonder what they pioneers did when they did not have pain medicine or Doctors they could call?

I will admit, it is hard to bother the brethren when I am in pain or so discouraged I just don't think I can make it another day, but in every blessing I have had I have been told by Heavenly Father that He is glad I asked for this blessing, and that he desires to give me the help I so desperately need at the time. I have so often regained badly needed strength and courage to go on....and peace' beautiful, peaceful sleep.

I must tell those of you who have brought in meals and taken us to dinner, or brought in dinners this past week or so just how thankful I am for you and all the other millions of things you have done. Most of all, thank you for your visits! It is so good to see those I love come so often. I always love your company!!! I only have a few days left of Chemo and then Joni is going to take me off of it so that We can have an enjoyable trip. I wish you could all come!!!

I have learned again this week that if I pray and ask for help to accomplish all the things I want to do, that Heavenly Father really does help the most important things get done. I love Him and the Savior so much. They truly are my best friends, and want so much to be there for us if we will but ask. Have a great week!!!

AJ In the Snow

Doesn't she look like she is having a ball? I'm sure she is going to statrt screaming any minute!!! I actually have some where she looks like she is enjoying the snow...but i cannot figure out how to put them on my blog. Awe...technology!

Guess What?

A great man

Last night I woke up around 3:00AM. I was really in pain with my cracked feet. It is caused from the new chemo I am on, and you cannot believe how much something so little can hurt. Anyway, my honey bunny was so sweet to me. We talked a little about my pending death and rather or not I would make it to Orlando. I begged him to go even if I cannot. Then I asked him if he would give me a blessing of comfort. It is always hard for him to assist in blessings, let alone give them. I don't know if this was irreverent or not, but I just asked him to lay next to me and put his hand on my head and give me a blessing. It was so tender...this man who used to be so callused and far from the spirit ...reaching out and in just above a whisper asking the Lord to help my feet and hands to heal, asking that I might be able to sleep and that I would know what to do about this chemo; if I should continue with it or not. He also asked Heavenly Father to please keep me well enough to go to Orlando. Then we just held each other and he let me cry awhile. This morning it was him and not me that suggested we read the scriptures together. That is the first time in my life he has asked to read the scriptures together.

Sometimes I question why I have to go through cancer, and then I see the growth my husband has made, and the increasing love in our marriage and I am okay with it. I am so thankful for my husband's love and concern. God bless this great man.

What comfort this sweet sentence gives...

"Each of us will have our own Fridays--those days when the
universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered
about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems
we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays.


"But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered
death--Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday
will come.

"No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday
will come. In this life or in the next, Sunday will come.

"I
testify to you that the Resurrection is not a fable. We have the personal
testimonies of those who saw Him. Thousands in the Old and New Worlds
witnessed the risen Savior. They felt the wounds in His hands, feet, and
side. They shed tears of unrestrained joy as they embraced Him."

(Joseph B. Wirthlin, "Sunday Will Come," Ensign, Nov. 2006, 30)

O Divine Redeemer

It was nice to have a call from Sherry today. She let me cry, and cry, and cry. It is good to have friends that have known you all your life and they also know that I haven't always been this much of a basket case....right Sherry? ...right?

Today I told my Laurel class how serious the cancer has become and that I don't have a lot of time left. It was hard, but because the lesson was on drawing closer to the Savior, I felt it appropriate...as I am seeking his presence in a way I have never done before.

I have had wonderful visits from friends this week...April Payne came to see me... she lifted my soul. Sandy spent a day with me running me around...(she lets me cry, too). She taught me to let go of a problem I have been worried about and let God take care of it. Pat has been helping me type my life story and she is coming tomorrow to help me some more. I love her like a sister! We took Keith to Olive Garden and he helped get all the rest of the arrangements ready for our trip into warm country. I got a long call from Virginia and I loved it so much. I am so thankful for friends!!! April talks to me and helps me realize that the family will survive when I am gone and Joette rubs my feet almost daily. Gary has been such a jewel, and if he slips, I am so dang emotional, I think I scare him to death because I cry at the tiniest raise in the tone of his voice.

Tuesday, weather allowing, I am taking Isaac to another friends home and he is going to let Isaac get on his horses and take him for a little ride. I was invited to come along, but with my back being in the shape it is in, I decided it is best if I just brush the horses and smell them. Does everyone agree that nothing smells as good as a horse???

It is freezing cold here, and the driveway keeps drifting shut. I like the idea of just snuggling
up by the fireplace and staying warm. When I was teaching my lesson today one of the questions was "Would you know the Savior if he walked in this room right now?" I thought about that quite a bit before giving the lesson. Would you know the Savior if he were to come to your door? The answer I came up with...or answers, were, " I know the Savior by watching and drawing close to all those who do Christlike acts of service. I would also know the Savior by the way He would make me feel...His warmth and love would shine through and warm my heart! So even though I have never seen Him, (and their are plenty of people that have), I would have to say I know what it feels like to feel His presence because of all the many answers to prayers I have had over the years. I feel it is more important than ever for me to draw even closer to him every day.
I am not sure how, except to share everything with Him in prayer. O Divine Redeemer!!!

A new Day filled with choice choices.

A new day. I appreciate new days more that ever! I stayed up the other night and got a lot of my life history done. I have also had quite a few phone calls from long lost friends. I do know, with out a shadow of doubt, that God answers prayers. This new chemo has kind of messed me up emotionally, and I cry practically around the clock, but the other day, in the middle of a crying jag, my home teacher knocked on the door and said he felt like he needed to stop by and just visit for awhile. He said some things to me that i really needed to hear. He asked me what I was afraid of, and I said..."not dieing, really....I am afraid of the pain. He owns an assisted living complex, and he explained that when the time comes, I will have no pain, or very minimal. I also told him I was heartsick for my kids, especially a couple of them that I think will have a rough time. He pointed out how strong my children were. We reviewed my patriarchal blessing and he said I had overthrown many of the ills that plague mankind and that I had lived to see my children and grandchildren become strong in the gospel. The next day in the waiting room for radiation I overheard two older men talking about dieing, and that we all have to go sometime and that this was as good as any they guessed. I started thinking about that, and realized how much I have been able to accomplish knowing this was coming...the memories I have been able to make. and share. It really helped my attitude!!! Another cool thing is our trip to Orlando. I need everyone to pray with me that I will have the time to go and that I will feel half way decent for the family. We have planned some great things, and I am thankful for Keith, as he more or less has taken over and put the whole thing together for us. I spend every day in the doc's office and working on other projects so I rarely have the time...I also made such a stupid mistake the last time I planned a trip...I actually had my return flight booked for the same day I was leaving for SLC. Here is a plug for Southwest...when I told them what I had done, trying to hold back the tears, they just charged me $22.00 for the difference in cost of the ticket, and let me fly home on the day I meant to go home. Yeah SW!!!!!! Now if our prescription company could be half as cooperative, life would just be hunky dory!! Well, I will keep you posted about the trip. I am so thankful that gary has agreed to pay for everything...as the kids are all pretty broke right now ..just after Christmas. I told him that this was our gift to them, one that I hope will last a lifetime. I am done with radiation today. I am so glad! it just saps the strength right out of a person. It will be a wondrous day when they can cure or stop cancer without all of this barbaric stuff they do to other humans. I don't know how people can make this their lifeelong profession, but, I guess I am glad someone does so that i can have a few more months to love. Love....that is the key to keeping me going each and every day. Look for ways to love and serve, even if all you can do is embrace a hand or smile. Ask Heavenly Father to show you the best way you can serve. I know He let my home teacher know just what to say and do. We can all be instruments in His hands.

If wishes were horses, we'd all ride.

Well, the other day I was talking to a friend and we were talking about fulfilling our lifetime dreams, and I DECIDED I HAD TWO DREAMS...ONE TO TAKE MY ENTIRE FAMILY TO DISNEY WORLD AND THE OTHER WAS TO GO TO MAUI. THE CONVERSATION KEPT GOING UNTIL SHE HAD Me TOTALLY CONVINCED WE COULD SOMEHOW GO AS A FAMILY TO ORLANDO...AND NOW, TWO DAYS LATER , MOST OF THE PLANS ARE MADE AND WE ARE REALLY GOING TO DO THIS. i CAN HARDLY WAIT TO SEE THE EXCITEMENT IN MY LITTLE GRANDDAUGHTERS EYES. AND THEN i THINK...IT IS NOT WHERE YOU GO OR WHAT YOU DO, It's IS IN THE LOVE WE ALL SHARE AND THE closeness THAT HOLDS US together. Still, I am so very excited to go!!!!All 16 of us!!! And things have pulled together with housing and financing so miraculously , I may still get my Maui trip out of this!!!

This is too important not to blog

Okay...I have to take time to get this news out. I was sent this information by a very good friend of mine who I trust explicitly, so I will put this on my blog.

"Just wanted you to know that I followed up on the assertion that Obama's
Church (Trinity Unitarian Christian Church - check out www.tucc.org) is a
militant racist organization and it is factual. The MD I work with is
married to a member of the secret service who has been assigned to guard
Obama since the threats on his life and he confirms that Obama attends
this church and that Obama and the pastor have been close friends for many
years."

Regardless of who you intend to vote for, you had better be more informed this year than ever before, and as the general authorities have asked us over and over again....we need to vote. "The only thing necessary for evil to take over is for good people to do nothing." Listen to the Leaders of the Church, do your homework, fast and pray and then vote for the right man in this race. Our country's future depends on you and who you vote for in the primaries and in the final election. Please register and get out there and do your part!!!!!!!!

I started this blog and then got interrupted, and like most things theses days did not get back to it. But I will say...I just don't have that much to say on my blog anymore that's of value and I think I am going to quit writing on it. I need to get my life story done and so many other things and I feel like I am running out of precious time. I will still comment on yours and read them, because I find them so entertaining and enjoy them so much. It is interesting to hear about how you are solving your own struggles and getting through life. But my blog just seems to be a downer and I don't know how to change and I am sure no one out there wants or needs to hear my petty problems in their lives

Goodbye

Trust

Not quite sure what I am to write about this morning...just know that I haven't written much of late. I ended my first round of my new chemo this week. I didn't do too bad...I just have a slit in my heal where the skin is drying out and it is really painful. They started radiation on my hip and both my arms Wednesday. The point is to keep the pain level down. I am back using my walker, except Gary ran over it!!! ( He was probably wishing I was using it at the time,hahaha!)

I talked to Dr. Fairbanks and he and the neurosurgeon pretty much decided to put treating my brain off for a couple of months. If the lesions in the brain start causing me a lot of problems, or the chemo starts working everywhere else in a remarkable way, then they will go ahead with the gamma radiation...but as for now it is a waiting game, and it does not look very good. Unless I get that miracle real soon, I will die...probably within 3 to 6 months...maybe sooner.

I was really saddened by the news last week of all the brain lesions, and one afternoon just after praying and crying, my home teacher stopped in. He usually plows our driveway out for us, and that's what I thought he was doing, but he said he had an impression to stop and see how I was really doing. I told him about the brain mets and that I was a little frightened...I also shared how I didn't understand any of this because my patriarchal blessing says I will have the health and strength to throw off the ills and sicknesses that prey upon mankind, and I had had a couple of blessings wherein I felt like I would be healed.

He asked me what I was afraid of? I told him that perhaps I had not done all that I could have while here on earth. I also told him I hated to leave my children and grandchildren. I also said that I didn't want to leave Joette unmarried or Gary, for that matter. He was very tender, and said that I had raised a good family, strong in the Gospel of Jesus Christ; that I had served well and strong. He could not sooth the questions about the blessings, but since he was here I have felt more at peace about all of this.

Last night I mentioned to a friend that I would like to go to Maui. She, in turn, has a friend with a timeshare there. It sounds grand, and maybe I will go...but depending on the time I have left, I think I would rather spend it with my family. The best would be if they could all come, too. Of course, none of us are in a position to pay for it. The hard thing would be that we get the condo and I pass it up because I want to see the most I can of my children, and then not be able to see them much anyway.

This weekend we have a general authority coming to restructure two stakes in the area. In my deepest desires, I wish I could have a blessing by him. I know that my humble home teacher has the power the general authority does, so the thought is silly, I guess. It is just hard because I have had these blessings that promise me life. So many of my blessings in my lifetime have panned out just as they were spoken to me. I have always put my trust in the priesthood...always... as I know it is the greatest power on earth, with God watching over each blessing.

Whatever is coming...it is meant to be. I must and will trust God.

Yes, I have a testiomony

Today I was asked to represent Jesus in Young Women's by bearing my testimony. When I got the assignment, I cried for three days. How does one such as I, or anyone for that matter represent the Lord. Each leader took part of the nativity and told what they felt and saw when the Savior was born. Each leader did an incredible job, and the room was filled with the spirit. I was in tears again when it became ,y turn. I told the girls that this was a very difficult assignment for me, but that when I prayed I figured that a prophet would know more of what it felt like to be the Savior, and what His purpose was on earth.
I read most of my talk, and this is what i said:

"I am the light of the world;he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life."

"Early in his childhood, Spencer W. Kimball suffered the pain that comes with the death of loved ones. When he was eight years old, his sister Mary died shortly after her birth. A month later, Spencer’s parents sensed that five-year-old Fannie, who had been suffering for several weeks, would soon pass away. Spencer later told of the day Fannie died: “On my ninth birthday Fannie died in Mother’s arms. All of us children were awakened in the early night to be present. I seem to remember the scene in our living room … , my beloved mother weeping with her little dying five-year-old child in her arms and all of us crowding around.”1

Even more difficult for young Spencer was the news he received two years later, when he and his brothers and sisters were called home from school one morning. They ran home and were met by their bishop, who gathered them around him and told them that their mother had died the day before. President Kimball later recalled: “It came as a thunderbolt. I ran from the house out in the backyard to be alone in my deluge of tears. Out of sight and sound, away from everybody, I sobbed and sobbed. Each time I said the word ‘Ma’ fresh floods of tears gushed forth until I was drained dry. Ma—dead! But she couldn’t be! Life couldn’t go on for us. … My eleven-year-old heart seemed to burst.”

Fifty years later, Elder Spencer W. Kimball, then a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, found himself far away from home, recovering from major surgery. Unable to sleep, he recalled the day his mother died: “I feel like sobbing again now … as my memory takes me over those sad paths.”

Facing the deep sadness of such experiences, Spencer W. Kimball always found comfort in prayer and in the principles of the gospel. Even in his childhood, he knew where to turn to receive peace. A family friend wrote of young Spencer’s prayers—“how the loss of his mother weighed so heavily upon his little heart and yet how bravely he battled with his grief and sought comfort from the only source.”

In his ministry, President Kimball frequently offered words of solace to those who mourned the loss of loved ones. He testified of eternal principles, assuring the Saints that death is not the end of existence. Speaking at a funeral, he once said:

“We are limited in our visions. With our eyes we can see but a few miles. With our ears we can hear but a few years. We are encased, enclosed, as it were, in a room, but when our light goes out of this life, then we see beyond mortal limitations. …

“The walls go down, time ends and distance fades and vanishes as we go into eternity … and we immediately emerge into a great world in which there are no earthly limitations.”

The daily newspaper screamed the headlines: “Plane Crash Kills 43. No Survivors of Mountain Tragedy,” and thousands of voices joined in a chorus: “Why did the Lord let this terrible thing happen?”

Two automobiles crashed when one went through a red light, and six people were killed. Why would God not prevent this?

Why should the young mother die of cancer and leave her eight children motherless? Why did not the Lord heal her?

A little child was drowned; another was run over. Why?

A man died one day suddenly of a coronary occlusion as he climbed a stairway. His body was found slumped on the floor. His wife cried out in agony, “Why? Why would the Lord do this to me? Could he not have considered my three little children who still need a father?”

A young man died in the mission field and people critically questioned: “Why did not the Lord protect this youth while he was doing proselyting work?”

I wish I could answer these questions with authority, but I cannot. I am sure that sometime we’ll understand and be reconciled. But for the present we must seek understanding as best we can in the gospel principles.

Was it the Lord who directed the plane into the mountain to snuff out the lives of its occupants, or were there mechanical faults or human errors?

Did our Father in heaven cause the collision of the cars that took six people into eternity, or was it the error of the driver who ignored safety rules?

Did God take the life of the young mother or prompt the child to toddle into the canal or guide the other child into the path of the oncoming car?

Did the Lord cause the man to suffer a heart attack? Was the death of the missionary untimely? Answer, if you can. I cannot, for though I know God has a major role in our lives, I do not know how much he causes to happen and how much he merely permits. Whatever the answer to this question, there is another I feel sure about.

Could the Lord have prevented these tragedies? The answer is, Yes. The Lord is omnipotent, with all power to control our lives, save us pain, prevent all accidents, drive all planes and cars, feed us, protect us, save us from labor, effort, sickness, even from death, if he will. But he will not.

We should be able to understand this, because we can realize how unwise it would be for us to shield our children from all effort, from disappointments, temptations, sorrows, and suffering.

The basic gospel law is free agency and eternal development. To force us to be careful or righteous would be to nullify that fundamental law and make growth impossible.

If we looked at mortality as the whole of existence, then pain, sorrow, failure, and short life would be calamity. But if we look upon life as an eternal thing stretching far into the premortal past and on into the eternal post-death future, then all happenings may be put in proper perspective.

Is there not wisdom in his giving us trials that we might rise above them, responsibilities that we might achieve, work to harden our muscles, sorrows to try our souls? Are we not exposed to temptations to test our strength, sickness that we might learn patience, death that we might be immortalized and glorified?

If all the sick for whom we pray were healed, if all the righteous were protected and the wicked destroyed, the whole program of the Father would be annulled and the basic principle of the gospel, free agency, would be ended. No man would have to live by faith.

If joy and peace and rewards were instantaneously given the doer of good, there could be no evil—all would do good but not because of the rightness of doing good. There would be no test of strength, no development of character, no growth of powers, no free agency, only satanic controls.

Should all prayers be immediately answered according to our selfish desires and our limited understanding, then there would be little or no suffering, sorrow, disappointment, or even death, and if these were not, there would also be no joy, success, resurrection, nor eternal life and godhood.

“For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things … righteousness … wickedness … holiness … misery … good … bad. …” (2 Nephi 2:11.)

Being human, we would expel from our lives physical pain and mental anguish and assure ourselves of continual ease and comfort, but if we were to close the doors upon sorrow and distress, we might be excluding our greatest friends and benefactors. Suffering can make saints of people as they learn patience, long-suffering, and self-mastery. …

And Elder James E. Talmage wrote: “No pang that is suffered by man or woman upon the earth will be without its compensating effect … if it be met with patience."

My Testimony

When I was about 17 years old, I had a very traumatic experience that left me crying out to the Heaven’s with one question. That question was,” Is there anyone anywhere who cares about me?” Instantly I felt warmth surrounding me, and I knew that there was a God and He did care about me. I was not active in the church at the time, and quite frankly did not deserve such a manifestation. I had another similar experience a few months later. I was outside our house in the woodshed. It was dark and snowy and I felt very much alone. It was not really a prayer that I offered; I just needed some assurance that I was loved. I again felt warmth surrounding me.

When I gave birth to my first child, I felt that angels were very near, and I also knew at that moment that I needed to change my life. I guess that is when I started searching, and started thinking about the consequences of everything I did and had done in my life. A few years later I was in Idaho Falls with a philanthropic sorority being trained to be president of the local chapter in CDA. Many of the women that I came with were doing terrible things that weekend. I left the bar early and went to my room where I could be alone. I left the lights off and I knelt and prayed for the first time I could ever remember. I prayed about my life and marriage and how hopeless I felt. Upon finishing my prayer, I opened the drapes and in the darkness I saw the Idaho Falls Temple framed by my window. Again, I felt the warmth I had felt a few times earlier in my life and somehow I knew everything would be okay.

It was not too long after that experience, and many others that my visiting teachers knocked on my door. I was attending the Presbyterian Church at the time and going to a couple of Bible studies, and although I had been brainwashed against the church for years by my inactive family, I knew I should let them in. They came faithfully for several months and one day they sent the missionaries. The missionaries asked me if I knew anyone who would like to take the discussions, and I asked them if it would be possible for me to take them. It was not long, and after many, many questions on my part that I started to feel the spirit on a regular basis and decided to attend church. The first Sacrament meeting was so sweet and spiritual and so was my first experience with Relief Society. I could not deny the feelings I was having and so I continued to attend, even though both of my neighbors and all of my friends counseled me to quit attending the Mormon Church.

The warmth and spiritual feelings and the answered prayers continued and have to this day. I know the Church of Jesus Christ is true. I know, through prayer and the witness of the spirit that Joseph Smith saw God the Father and Jesus Christ as he knelt in prayer in the sacred grove seeking knowledge as to which church to join. I knew the first time I read the Book of Mormon that it was true, because again, I felt the warmth of the spirit bearing witness to me of its truthfulness.

All my adult life I have followed that sweet feeling. I have heard promptings that have helped me raise my children, save my marriage and guide me in all of my callings. I love the Church. Just tonight I went to a Crèche sponsored by the church and opened to the public. It was so beautifully done. Every time I pray or attend a meeting I am taught by the Holy Ghost. My life would be a total waste had I not listened and prayed when the missionaries came to my door. I cannot imagine how empty it would be without the Holy Spirit to be my guide. I cannot even express how dependent I am on my Savior, Jesus Christ, especially now as I fight cancer. It is very early in the morning and I could not sleep, so I came into my office to pray and to plead with Heavenly Father through His Son to help me get through one more day. And I know, because He has never let me down, that He will sustain me again. He will lift me and make me a better person for having gone through this experience. I know I will live with Him and his Son again, along with my family for all eternity. He will teach me all that I need to know as He always has. This is my testimony in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Edith Kaye Tomblin

I have to teach a testimony....?

It has been a busy month...I suppose it has been for everyone. I had a celebration of life party and it was just wonderful. My dear friend described it as being like a Norman Rockwell picture. People came from all over, new friends and old friends. I could not have asked for more.

The next day I found out I now have 15 brain mets. When they do the set up on them to see if treatment can even be done, they will then determine if it is worth it or not. It was a hard morning to learn that I really don't have much time left. I try to stay positive, but it is difficult to say the least. I keep returning to my blessings and to my patriarchal blessing that have all held such great promises. Now I am starting to wonder exactly what those promises mean.

This Sunday I have to teach a lesson , well more like give a testimony of the Savior, and I am finding that I am really struggling with this. I know He lives, I know he has blessed my life many times, but just now I feel so distant from him. I have no answers to the blessings, nothing to give my grandchildren who have prayed so hard for me...The Inn is empty.

I know Christ has lifted me and blessed me all through my life, but for the first time, I feel that I am lost in the crowd...so many need so much more than I do. Just yesterday my oncologist told of a witness of a man from his ward who was completely healed from cancer that had spread throughout all his vital organs.I have tried to serve my entire life. I am not asking for much.....just a few more years, years that only God can grant me. A miracle of small proportions when I think that with one swoop of His arm he creates mountains. And yet, who am I? Just one ordinary person hoping for a miracle. But it was a miracle promised to me so long ago....one that I have banked on and hoped for.

So, I hang on..hoping. Hoping that His promises are true. Sorry to be so down today...I started a new chemo yesterday...an oral one every day twice a day. I am doing all this because I was told in a blessing to do everything medically possible to save my life.But what do I say to the young women on Sunday? How do I teach them about faith when it seems so distant? How do I teach them, when I feel my own has run out...dried up? How do I teach them that His promises are sure?

I also have to have more radiation done to my right hip and both arms. I think they will start that day after Christmas. It will help the pain. I have a lot of pain today. My heart feels like it is breaking in a million pieces. Just sitting here watching my little Julia sleep is tearing me apart. I must try to remember that God guides the future as He has the past.