Birthdays, Families and Fall

I had a great birthday...and here are a few pictures for the rest of the family that could not be there. We enjoyed having AJ and Lorena back with us. Of course, AJ loves her daddy, but she also really likes Uncle Keith, too.

I didn't have chemo yesterday...too sick....but after a long time on my knees, I am feeling much better today. I thought this might mess up my trip to see April, but doc said it was fine to just do two sessions this month. Last night when I started feeling better, I decorated for fall. It is really chilly here, and It felt good to get out the fall decorations, and start to think about Christmas and what I would like to finish. I love the crispness in the air, and the beautiful fall colors. I think we should all hat a hot apple cider today!!! I am so thankful to see another fall, and so thankful that when I just don't think I can go on a minute more, I have a miracle, and I regain some strength. Have a wonderful day!!! Come on over this weekend and have cider and donuts!!!

Celebrate Good Times...Come On!

Celebrate good times...come on!!!

Friday night , 3 of us were supposed to go out to dinner to celebrate my birthday, but somehow it turned into a dinner party at a dear friends home with so many of my sweet friends surrounding me and wishing me well. Thank you, Ling. Your goodness is immeasurable. Thank you, Lisa for providing your beautiful home..and I am not sure who did all the cooking, but seeing as how I hate to eat anything I cook, it was so wonderful to actually feel full!!! I don't know how to tell you all how much you mean to me, and how thankful I am that we are true sisters.

The next day I met up with Sherry and Sandy and had a wonderful day. One thing that makes them so wonderful is that I can cry around them, and share my fears and hopes and I don't feel judged. I can share with them my most intimate thoughts about living or dying and , even though they don't really understand, they give me their time and ear and love. We had a birthday lunch for me at Sandi's and it was wonderful...man, especially the Amish rolls. Sherry bought me some good smelling stuff to spray all over myself...I always feel like I stink.
(Maybe I do...hint, hint)

It was very hard coming home Saturday night on my birthday to an empty house. I felt sorry for myself for a short time, but realized Gary was out with his best friend cutting wood, and having his own break from cancer. I understand how difficult it must be for him and would love to find a way to escape all of this myself and go back to a time when cancer wasn't mentioned every day in our home.

Sunday I went to Keith's house for dinner. Calie had made a wonderful meal....with Keith as the BBQ king. Lorena and Ansley are home from Mexico and it was so wonderful to see them. She is walking everywhere. I will add a couple of pictures soon. I missed that Gary and my girls were not there...but we did have fun. The grandkids asked me questions about my life from a book we'd picked up at a garage sale...and ...well some of them were not easy to answer. We laughed and just enjoyed each other.

Joette got home from April's late last night, and April had made me a beautiful scrapbook of her two children that I will forever cherish. I know it was such a sacrifice for her to take that time, as Mckenzie is having a difficult time adjusting and Julia is colic.

I was humbling to be remembered by so many. Today I still have the blinds drawn and my PJ's on...trying to get up the courage to face life again. I have really felt sick for about 5 days again now. I share this because even though I have so much to live for...I am not so sure I can do it much longer...no, I am not sure I want to do this much longer. I need to spend an hour or two in prayer and find strength to celebrate life again. I saved this draft and it took me 2 hours to figure out how to get it published...I had to call my daughter in tears and ask her what in the heck I was doing wrong. I hate being this disabled...I really do not think straight any more, and am finding everything so difficult to do. I need your prayers today...mine are not working so well.

Summer's End

I felt so strong the day this picture was taken...We took a hike up to Fern Falls, and although the trail was not very steep. I did make it, and it was not all that hard. Since then, I started Chemo again, and some kind of bone therapy to strengthen them...and it has wiped me out again. But I have my rest week this week, after having the last round of the three rounds I need to go though, so I am running wild with ideas and things I would love to accomplish if I feel good this week.

My tumor markers are down from 600 and something to 34. That was a cheery slice of news!!! I feel good since chemo yesterday...but much of it is due to the steroids they pump into you just before getting the navolbean. (Chemo)....It is only 5:00AM and I am wide awake planning 6 million things to do today and tomorrow...before the good stuff wears off!!

We were going to drive down to see April, she is really struggling with Julia and colic. I feel so bad for her, but there is so much to do here, and I would like to get something done before the weather turns nasty. It is already freezing at night. We picked grapes yesterday, and apples a week or so ago. I swear, the applesauce is the best I have ever made, and we don't even know what kind of apples we have. How big do crab apples get? These are small and sort of tart, yet sweet at the same time. We will go down to April's around the 18th of October...during my next break. Then, April, Chay and the kids they are coming here for Christmas. Lorena comes home next week, I think. It will be so nice to see her and AJ. I have really missed them. I guess AJ is walking, and Bryon is so excited to see her. I think next week we will sneak off to Radium before the weather turns to winter.

It has been a good week. I did baptisms and sealings in the temple, but I messed up. I was with a veteran group, all in their 80's or so, and I had some names that I had not cleared properly for sealing. I realized this after one couple were sealed that did not have the rest of their work done. The sealer, without me saying a word, recognized that I was troubled and he fixed the mistake for me. It was such a sweet, spiritual moment for me, as Gary was not there, and it was a very important sealing in his family that he needed to be in the temple to witness and participate in. The Lord knew this and stepped in with His spirit and inspired the temple sealer to fix the mistake, and give us time to be together as a family for this sealing. Words do not do this justice, I know, but it truly was one of the sweetest moments I have ever had in the temple, one I will never forget.

Well, I think I had better try to get a little sleep Thanks again for your continued prayers. I had a blessing about a week ago that was so sweet and dear to my heart. So many of my fears were calmed and I felt like Heavenly Father was talking directly to me, as He, through the priesthood, addressed so many of my concerns. I am trying to turn my life over to Him each and every day so as not to waste a moment of time. I have felt your prayers of encouragement, and love so much. Thank you

Change your attitude

Okay...so I never write twice in one day...but after feeling so low this morning, I decided to go to a cooking class. I had fun, I ate good stuff and I talked. I could have stayed home...it would have been the easy way out, but I decided to make myself go, and by golly...it was not all that bad. It really depends on our attitude. Life really is worth living, and if we try we can find joy every day. So...shape up world...Speak, even when nobody speaks back

You Talk Too Much

Not sure what is wrong with me. I have cried so much this week. I keep telling myself it is the new bone medicine that was injected with my chemo last week. I know that my jaw is very sore (okay, you wise guys...it is not from talking too much!) In fact, that is part of the problem. I am not talking to hardly anyone. When I first got cancer back, people would call, but now, and I am sure of this, they just do not know what to say to me. I try really hard not to wine about my disease...and just be my normal self...whatever that is....but still, I don't see many people or talk to many anymore. It is like I am dead already. I used to get asked to do things or go places...but not now. I am partly to blame, but honestly, people treat those with fatal illnesses different. I know I have in the past. I will change that about myself if I ever get the chance. I will ask them about their families, their work...I'll take them out to lunch. I will just be their friend. I will make sure they are involved in church activities and I will help them feel like they are needed in some way. Maybe I am the one who needs to call others...but it is hard, especially when I might weep at any moment, or when I hear in trepidation in their voices when they find out it is me. Yesterday I finally asked my daughter if she would like to go to a movie. We had such a nice time. It was a tragic love story...a true chick flick, and I felt young and giddy at all the right places, and I didn't think about cancer once. Well...that's enough talking for today...I need to clean my bathroom.

Good News!!!

Results are in and the treatment is working!!! Very little lung
involvement and no lymphatic involvement. I still have some skeletal
cancer, but it has not enlarged. My blood work was good. I am still
waiting for the tumor marker results and there was some question with
the brain mets. I had three small mets when I was in Tulsa, and I
still have three small mets. Joni was not sure if they were the same
or new ones, so she is sending for all the records and then having me
see Dr. Robert Fairbanks to see if these are new, or can even be
worked on. I am starting another round of Chemo today. This time
we will go three months. My oncologist seemed pleased with the results so
far. I would like to go back on the green drink diet for a short while and see if I can speed recovery or have complete remission. I want to help this out the best I can.
Please continue your thoughts and prayers in my behalf that i will have the strength to do the diet again....it's a very difficult one to do. And thank you for all of your love and support!!!

Seasons

First of all, I want to thank my daughters for their love and appreciation expressed for me. I honestly did not bribe them or pay them for writing such nice things about me...my cancer probably caught them at a week moment! HAHAHAHA!

Every once in awhile cancer catches me off guard. Today I spent all day testing. I did a Pet Scan, a CT scan and an MRI. It was during the pet scan that I just broke down and wept like a baby. The lady was so sweet to me, and I just couldn't hold back the tears. Once they started, they just would not stop. It was though a flood gate of emotions kept pouring out...all down my cheeks and onto my blouse.

As I lay in the recliner, allowing time for the contrast to work, I could not stop thinking about my life, my children and all the things I would still love to accomplish. And asking God,"Why me?" I know we are not supposed to ask that question...so many suffer and so many are in so much worse circumstances than I am...but today I thought of how hard I have tried to serve my God and my family. I just want to live until I have accomplished a few more things that I need to finish. And I would like to feel good enough to do them. Today, after the tests, I came home and slept for three hours...I was wiped out.

Okay...enough complaining. I did get to go camping for a couple of days at the beginning of the week...to my favorite spot on earth. My daughter-in-law and grandkids went with us. We are leaving in the morning for one last jaunt up the river. Most of the family will be there...and yet, my heart will ache for the rest as I miss them so.

Fall is in the air...you can feel it at night and see it in the dew of the early morning hours. I love the smell of the mountain air and the fading green of summer as the season moves to the next stage. Perhaps I need to look at cancer as a changing season...with its very own sights, smell and sounds. Can I ask that you keep praying? I need your faith and prayers so very much right now. Next week I find out how long I have left.

You Light Up My Life

When I woke up this morning, it was not from the gentle pounding of tiny hands on my forehead, and very soft gibberjabber next to my ear.This morning I just woke up in an empty bed and in an empty room.

I am home, and McKenzie is far, far away...and oh, how I miss her. Every morning, she would climb down the steep steps to see me and then she would help me with my waking routine. She would get a water bottle out of the cooler for me, and then hand me my medicine bottles, one at a time and watch as I took each prescription. Sometime in all of that, she would find one of my hats I wear to hide my bald hair, and either put it on me or herself...(thus, the picture). She likes my hats. Sunday, when I put on my wig to wear to church she just sort of stuck her nose up at it and looked at me with a disgusted frown. Children are never vain..they are so real in their love.

If I was really lucky, after I woke up and had had some breakfast, I got the honor of bathing Julia. I love the new baby bathtubs...you can bathe the sweet newborns with both hands free, and the soap is so sweet and mild smelling. It is such a treat when they are in their new, clean clothes, smelling like only a baby can. Nothing replaces that. Nothing!!!

Nonetheless, I am finding it very hard this morning. I have a huge hole in my heart that only two little girls can fill, and my emotions are running out all over the place. I am sure I will die of a broken heart this very hour!! But I just remembered...I have to pick up peaches for a slug of people and deliver them by noon...I have many letters to write and people to see. I also have a house to clean and weeds to pull, and my life story to write, and on and on.....

So I will do all these things. I will plan a camping trip with my other grandchildren, and hope they will want to go with me toward the end of the week, And yet, every day a piece of my heart will be in Ogden with the girls that lit up my life for the month of August!!

Julia Kaye

I am sitting up with my precious new granddaughter, trying to let April get a little sleep. What a beauty she is. Her hair is black, like my mom's when she was young. She has a very sweet disposition, so far, and I have to tell you, watching a new life come into this world is one of life's greatest joys. I was thrilled beyond measure when I found out they had decided to name her after me. It is such an honor.
Her big sister loves her to pieces. Mckenzie is so careful with Julia and does not appear to be jealous in the least. She always kisses her on the forehead in the most gentle of ways.

We got here 4 days before Julia arrived and we were able to help Chay finish his bathroom and the girls room. They both look very nice. Today, Aprils mother-in law painted the front room for April. I didn't do much except putty work and filled some of the cracks in the walls...but it looks nice, too. Gary left to go home Saturday, and I will fly home next week. I am looking forward to just sitting around holding this beautiful baby. What a JOY!!!

I know some of you are wondering about my state of health...I decided to wait to do any of the testing until after my visit with April. I am pretty tired and weak most of the time, but don't feel too bad. I will give you the details when I get them.
Thanks for your prayers and thoughts. I can literally feel your support. I love you!!!

 

 

Prayer works!!!

Thanks for the prayers. This has been the best week since I started treatment again. I was able to go camping for a few days. A dear friend came with me and we watched as the amish people put up a log cabin. We also picked a few huckleberries. I feel stronger and not so dizzy and light headed. I think I will be able to make it to April's blessed event. Tomorrrow i go in for my last treatment in this series...then I am off chemo for a few weeks. When I get home from April's I guess I will take all the tests over to see how I am really doing. Right now, it is just good to feel half way human...so not sure I want to know what is ahead.I love all of your comments and continued prayers in my behalf...you are all wonderful! Thanks again!

Your Prayers

I do try to stay positive, but today has been a terribly hard day for me. I had Chemo on Wednesday. Thursday and Friday were not too bad, as the steroids they give during Chemo help me feel better...but by Friday afternoon, I was wiped out again. I don't know how to explain how I feel...sort of dizzy, nauseated like I am pregnant all the time and about to throw up and sort of in a tunnel. It was so bad today that I only made it through Sacrament meeting and had to go home without teaching my laurel class...and that was soooo hard to miss...I cried all the way home.

My cancer Doc is not very positive, so before Chemo and during my weekly checkup last week, she said these symptoms were probably the brain cancer coming back and spreading. I think I have a sinus infection, and that is causing some of the symptoms. She put me on an antibiotic to see if I am correct. She wants to do all the testing again as soon as I am done with this round of chemo....the last one scheduled to take place on the 25th. But April's baby is due on the 10th of August, and I want to go to Utah and be with her for a week or so.

Right now I am not sure I am going to get to see her. If I feel like I have all day today, I will not be able to go. Could all of you do me a favor?? Could you please pray that I will feel well enough to go to April's and be there for the baby's birth? I know your prayers have sustained me before, and I am really having a hard time just now, so I would appreciate them very much. Thank you.

I am thankful for revelation

This picture was taken a few weeks ago when I had all my grand kids together. I am finding it much harder to post on my blog now that the weather is so nice...my computer room is hot, stuffy and just not appealing when it is beautiful outside!!

It was a good week...my off week for chemo. I actually thought I would feel better than I did...been really dizzy and just feel weird inside, but the last couple of days have been better. I had a blessing today after church, and they always give me encouragement and strength to keep going. It was a beautiful blessing, and i felt God's love so much!!!

On Thursday I start round 4 of Chemo. After three weeks I need to do the testing to see where I am and to see if the chemo did any good. I have decided to wait to do the testing until after April's baby is born. That way, regardless of the outcome, I can just enjoy this new little angel that is being sent our way.

The ward camp out was this week, and it was fun! I enjoyed it so much, even being dizzy!!! We also had a BBQ with some friends at the lake on the 4th. I think next week we will try camping again and perhaps I will feel like painting a little...hope so. Thanks for all of the cards, emails and letters you have sent to me...it seems so difficult to answer everyone...so I do hope you read this and know I am thinking of you and that I am so thankful for each and every one of your prayers and thoughts in my behalf. I have had so many kind deeds, dinners, visits, phone calls and notes given to me, that I am truly humbled by your love.

Today in church I taught the young woman about the gift of the Holy Ghost, and how it is the greatest gift we have on this earth because the Holy Ghost will help us to achieve Eternal Life, which is the greatest gift we can ever receive. I am so thankful for the gift of the Holy Ghost. I know that through the revelations I have received, those pure moments of knowledge from God, that I have been blessed beyond measure. In fact, everything I have and have been blessed with I have because of the Savior's love and this wonderful gift He promised to all those who seek Him.

Life is a blessing...thanks for your continued prayers.

Forgiveness? I am working on it...

I have not written in awhile. Chemo has been rough, plus I have been to Utah and April was here for a week. I have had much support from family and friends, and prayer gets me through almost every day. I am pretty weak, and that is discouraging at times...but the love and prayers and support from so many seems to sustain me and keeps me going.

Yesterday my oldest son and his wife spent the night and day with us. We all went to church together and it was so wonderful. Sometimes I look at my life and realize I do not have my health...and we don't have tons of money...but all the important things in life I have in great abundance. I have my faith...which is paramount. I have a wonderful, close family that would do anything for each other...a family of honest, upright children who chose the right and are Christlike in all their actions. I am married to a very moral and kind man who always thinks about others before he thinks about himself..a man that can look himself in the mirror each day and know he is living the way God wants him to live.

I also have so many wonderful friends...who call me or send me cards...who make dinner for me and come to see me. It is truly wonderful. Just this morning I had a dealing with someone who has little, if any moral character, and I wonder how they live with themselves on a day to day basis. So sad to me. If you cannot look in the mirror and say you treat others the way you want to be treated, then how do you wake up to yourselves each day? How to people live always trying to be one up on another person? It is just foreign to me.

Oh well...I just need to make sure my own heart is in the right place, and forgive these people. They know not what they do... Thank you Heavenly Father for your many, many blessings!!!

Early Morning

This is what I woke up to this morning. The air was crisp and cool and the fog was just lifting off the pasture. It was exilerating!!! Our home is in such a beautiful area and everytime I go outside I thank God for His creations.

We spent the weekend camping with Bryon and Lorena and AJ. Keith and the kids came up Friday night and spent the night and all day Saturday with us. Gary consented and brought up a motorcycle that Taylor could ride, and Bryon brought his bike and 4-wheeler, which made for alot of fun for everyone. We timed everything just right...got there just as the rain stopped, and left just as it was starting again. My hope is that happy memories were made.

When I was growing up, my parents traveled quite a bit, and we either had a tent or a camp trailer. I have fond memories of Yellowstone, the moon coming up on the Nevada desert, and the Oregon Coast. I loved the outdoors as a kid, and loved to explore. My grandchildren don't seem to like the outdoors very much...and it is sad to me. I do hope they will remember some good times camping with grandma!

Some friends of mine bought me an airline ticket to SLC to go to their daughter's wedding. I am so excited!!! I will stay with April and Chay while I am there and get to see how things are coming with their house. I feel good today and sure hope that for the next week I can keep up with everything!! When I was first waking up this morning, I thought of how much my prioroties have changed. All I really care about is being home and/or being with family and my dearest, closest friends. It made me realize even more how thankful I am that we are an eternal family. Now that I am facing the possibility of death every day, the deepest joys come from those I love the most.

Go outside today and listen to the birds. Smell a flower and let the sun warm you. Tell someone you love them. Let go of a worry and trust that God will take care of you. It is a beautiful day!!!!

Life is Good!

There is a little boy, 3 years old, in our ward named Jarom. His primary teacher told me that she asked him to say the closing prayer after class was over, and every other thing he prayed about was for me. He'd say, "Thank you for this day, and bless Sister Tomblin, and thank you for our teacher, and bless sister Tomblin, and thank you for my mommy and daddy, and bless Sister Tomblin..." I guess he said my name 13 times in his prayer. She reminded me that people really are praying for me!!! Thanks to ALL of you!!!

Another friend came by today and shared a very personal trial that their family went through. Nothing seemed to be going as promised by the Lord, and after 8 years of this heartache in their lives, a miracle suddenly occured, and her husband was healed. The sweet thing for me was that she shared it, hoping to give me the strength to keep doing Chemo. I do #2 of round two today if all is well with my blood counts. We are taking this one at a time. I have not felt very good this week, so it is hard to keep going. But yesterday I felt good enough to work in the yard. It was a beautiful day, and really lifted my spirits!!

Mother's Day my children and grandchildren were all here (except April, Chay and Mckenzie, and we missed them horribly). They all got together and gave me a really nice camera. We had a wonderful day together. I also felt good enough to go to church and teach my laurels. They are such incredible girls, and they help me be strong and want to keep going. My sister called to say hello.

Several friends came by today to encourage me. I am sooo blessed, and can feel their love and support. One friend offered to fly me to his daughter's wedding in Utah if I was up to it. I could stay with April!! I hope I am able to go!! Life is good. It is harder than I ever imagined sometimes, too...but good.

Home

It was so nice to go to church today with the people I love so much. It was good to hear familiar testimonies and see familiar faces. Everyone was so nice, and seemed happy to see me. I loved Sunday School and Young Women's. It was wonderful to see some of my laurels today.

The past two days I have felt a little better...especially yesterday. Bryon and Lorena came over for awhile and Bryon worked on his truck. Lorena and I went for a short walk, and it was heavenly to be outside. I even had enough energy to clean up my kitchen and do some laundry.

I am pretty tired tonight after going to church and having company, and tomorrow I have a Dr's. appointment with Joni. I suppose if my blood looks okay, she will want to do another round of chemo on me soon. I must tell you, I don't want to do it. I am just now feeling halfway human again.

The Bishop spoke today of the strength we get from reading the scriptures and praying, and even though we hear this all of the time, I know it is true. It has been hard for me to do these two things as of late because I have felt so sick, but the past three days I have really tried to pray and study, and I can already tell the difference. My outlook is better and I am more at peace...more willing to trust what the Lord has planned for me.

It is so nice to be home.

A Bump in the Road

I went to my cancer Doctor here last Tuesday for a check up. I was having a little trouble breathing and my legs were swelling, so she sent me for a CT of my chest. Sure enough...I had blood clots in my lungs. They were not in the main arteries, which was a good thing...and all I could do was thank Heavenly Father for sparing my life once more. I think I got them sometime over the weekend with April, and I could have easily died. I have been giving myself shots of fragment...a blood thinner, all week, been on strict bed rest and now I am on cumadin again. I saw Joni again yesterday and she said I am a walking miracle, but she decided to hold off for a week or so with my second round of Chemo. I felt so bunk yesterday that I told her if she did chemo on me this week, it would kill me. She sort of agreed. On the bright side, I do feel quite a bit better today, and I think I will go outside and work in my pansy patch...taking it really easy, of course. When the gal that was running the CT scanner saw the clots, she was so sweet to me, and she said, "Well, this is just another bump in the road." I liked that...helped me put it in perspective. I am still alive. I can still feel the cool breeze and hold AJ on my lap and play peekaboo with her. Like Joette said to me yesterday, "Mom, we still need your presence in our lives." Today is the beginning of a new week!