Focus on what we can do and not on what we can't

A friend sent me this. Please watch and enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LnLVRQCjh8c

I had good news this week.My tumor markers are down to 24. That is the lowest that they have been since I got cancer. I will stay on the chemo for a couple of more rounds and then see where we go from there. I am cautiously optimistic. Last week I had bad headaches and felt pretty sick, but I think now it was just a flu bug of some kind.

My sister, Linda, had my daughter and her family over for Easter dinner, which made me so happy.I have had blessings from so many people, and truely I do not know where to start to pay them back. I am so thankful that Linda is so close to April and living in Ogden.. I have decided to keep looking for ways to serve in the best way I can. If these two kids can dance like they did, then certainly I can find a spot somewhere to do some good, and lift a life...maybe share some joy!! I can finish my granddaughters Easter dresses....they will only be a week or so late...but when all the other girls have shown off their new dresses, my granddaughters will have the latest new dresses! hahahaha!!!! I have made up my mind to do the most I can and not beat up myself for not doing everything I once could!

Spring is almost here and I am going to get to plant flowers again...I am sooooo excited!!

Mozart?

Chay and his dad drove all the way from SLC this weekend to pick up the piano that Keith inherited when he sold a house last month. April has wanted one for quite sometime. I told her how I got mine...by praying for one. We could not afford one at that time, and Gary's mom went to the Methodist Church minister in CDA and asked him about the piano she had give to the church 30 years earlier. The minister told her that if she could find the piano in the building, that she could have it back. She did, and to make a long story short, paid to have the insides restored and the ivory keys fixed and I redid the wood...and presto...we had a beautiful piano that my children played on growing up. Technically, our piano is Keith's and someday he will get it
as it was a birthday gift to him from grandma Tomblin. Joette fills our home with music on occasion and I just love it and although April will need need a little brush up practicing, she really does have loads of expression in her music It is a darling piano, and our prayers were answered again. I hope she thanks the source.

This weekend was "Time Out" for women and it was fabulous...especially Michael Mclain. he had several new songs and all of my favorites...and they seemed to strike me with an even greater impact than ever before. I do feel "Alone" and in need of a "Coming Light" more than ever before in my days since Cancer. Jeannie took me, and took care of me. What a terrific woman she is. I have never known anyone who serves so unselfishly. Jeannie...I Love You!!!
Take time to pray where you might serve today. One of my young woman, Lexie, wrote a poem that she dedicated to me and gave it to me, beautifully framed, at church this morning. It is so well written, and she is so talented. I wish I was as good as it made me sound.
God bless each of you...and thank you for your prayers that continue to sustain me!!!

Babies in Orlando

Gamma Knife

Last Wednesday I had my Gamma Knife treatment. The neurosurgeon in charge was looking to find at least 3 tumors in my brain, but after all the testing, he could only find one small one. He told me that they usually find more tumors instead of less. So I am thankful once again for all of your prayers! It was a rather gruesome procedure, but I took Sherry with me and we managed to have a great day. I have felt a little tired since the ordeal, but that was to be expected.I am sending you some pictures and a short movie of me trying to eat with the contraption they use in the procedure bolted to my head. Have a good laugh!!!

Orlando

We are home from our fabulous trip. Thanks to all of you who prayed, I had a ton of energy and so much fun the entire trip i want to refer you to April's Blog. Her description of all of it is so much better than I could have ever written:

http://chasingchaypril.blogspot.com/

I do want to highlight some special things about the trip. One was when I was in the train with Mckenzie on my lap and I looked forward and saw Bryon rubbing Joette's neck and shoulders with such love and tenderness.(She hurt her back the day before we left for the trip, and he was trying to comfort her.) He had no idea I was watching.

Another favorite was taking Mckenzie and AJ on my scooter and having them fall asleep in my arms.

Keith aways rubbing my neck or hugging me and asking me how I was doing.

And on the last night,just as I was going to bed...utterly exhausted and teary eyed that is was over...Bryon came into my bedroom and held me and thanked me for such a wonderful time. He also thanked me for being his mother and how proud I should be of the family that I had raised. We both cried. I told him what a great man he was...with so much love and compassion for those around him. He denied it...but it is so true.

And so these are the things about Orlando I will remember...How April, suffering from an MS episode stayed home the last night and helped clean up the house...her service to me. Joette helping to take care of the babies and being Taylors friend...Chay growing closer to Keith and Bryon. Dad growing closer to all of the kids. Mckenzie flirting with Taylor and Isaac...she just loved them. So many simple things touched my heart and I am so glad we spent the money and went. Gary and I am planning another trip soon to Radium Hot Springs and looking forward to the serenity of the Canadian Rockies. A friend just reminded me to make choices to LIVE. I am going to remind each of you. Life is short...fill it with family and service.

I started Chemo the day we got back and am having the gamma knife treatment this week. So this has been a rough week...but a dear friend is coming over to spend tomorrow with me as I go through this

Lists

I am not sure what I want to say or even how to say it. I am afraid that no matter what I say tonight it will judged a pity trip, especially by those least qualified to judge, and that is not what is intended here.

At least once a week I do have a mental melt down and life just gets hard. Tonight I got left off a list...sort of like I was already dead and I cannot believe how much it hurt me. You see, I have had this friend for at least twelve years or more and I considered her one of my dearest treasures...but ever since I got cancer, and the docs said it was fatal, she has slowly cut me out of her life. She does not call me, so I call her. She does not come to see me, so I go see her. A different friend asked me the other day to share with her what cancer has taught me....and I told her I didn't realize before I had cancer what a lonely disease it was. I told her not to be afraid of someone because they are dyeing because we all are. Now I am not sure if this is why I have been cut out of my friends life. Maybe I hurt her feelings and didn't know it. Maybe I said or did something that she felt was below me or below her. Maybe I hurt one of her children. I just know the special relationship we had is gone and it makes my heart sad.

A little over two years ago, I found out that Mary...down the hill from me, had her cancer come back. Mine was still in remission at the time. I went to see her a few times and she brought me a little house for my collection. On the day I found out my cancer was back I went to see her and when I knocked on her door, her husband told me to leave them alone, that they had just been told that there was nothing more that they could do for her and had given her 3 months to live.

I never went back to see her. I was afraid her husband would be angry with me or that her two big dogs might chase me up the hill, and I would not be able to move fast enough to get away from them. But I could have driven down to her house, or called her, or I could have told her husband where to go and that I was visiting her rather he liked it or not...but I didn't and she died. I didn't go because I didn't know what I could say to her.

I went to her funeral but it seemed like a hollow offering. Anyway...people, young and old, rich or poor, sick or well all need the same thing. They need to know they are of worth. Sometimes , my daughter, Joette, just rubs my feet and legs and says nothing. But it feels so good and is such a Christlike gesture that I weep knowing how much she cares.

I know of another woman who died this year of cancer. I have been told that she was the most upbeat person, and never once complained. Maybe that is my problem....I talk about cancer openly. I try not to whine, but if people ask, I explain where I am in the disease. And in the darkness of night...like now...when I am awake with all my concerns about my family and the hereafter....hoping I have been valiant enough...I do cry...and I don't think I am full of self pity. I think any normal person would cry. Most of my tears are me calling out to God to just be with me for one more night. And usually by the next day, I have felt His loving arms around me and I am back trying to accomplish something of worth...trying to live! When I am talking to a friend who I know really cares, sometimes I cry. (I can still laugh my head off, too though...and sometimes I do both in the same sentence).

I am mostly just talking to myself this night...I just wish I knew what happened to my friend. A really wonderful thing happened today, though....my sister, Barbara, called to thank me for coming to see her. It was just a short visit, but I am so glad I went. You see, I love her. I cannot do much, but I found a way to do that. Look at your list. Have you filled your life with so much unnecessary stuff that you've crowded someone who once was important out ? I did that to Mary, and I feel the regret every day. Just last week, Gary kept saying he should go see Ray, an old friend of his. Ray died Tuesday. Gary never made it over to see him. Thank you God for my life and all that I have learned and am learning. I feel better now..and I will feel even better after I have knelt in prayer and made sure You are at the top of my list!

The Birds

I am sitting here working on my life history...the sun is shining and the birds are chirping...even though we have at least two feet of snow on the ground. It really is a beautiful day.

Thank you, Father

It is late, but I really felt I needed to share my thoughts tonight. We had a family council and dinner tonight about the trip. It was mostly just a lot of fun ruckus, but we were all happy to be going. We were also very grateful that April has taken it on herself to be in charge of getting the food together and seeing that everyone has a chance to help out with meals. Thanks, April. Even though you are far away, we felt your influence and desire to help and we are really looking forward for our family trip.

I also want to bare my testimony again about the power of prayer. I was really bummed yesterday...I fell the day before and I had so much pain...anyway, I was not very pleasant to be around all day long. Then I read the lesson I had to teach the Laurels today, and forgive me, I got so blasted mad,I just lost it. The lesson was on bringing spirituality in your home by improving your environment and your spirituality. Here I am in the middle of a physical and mental breakdown and I have to teach WHAT?????

I said to God, "How can you ask me to teach something that I am so far away from right now?" I cried and cried and then read the lesson again, only this time I read another article that spoke about the influence a spiritual home can have on the entire family and the world around us. I decided to go to bed and face this struggle this morning. I could not sleep. I had so much pain.

Finally I woke up Gary and asked for a blessing. He got out of bed and walked around to my side of the bed with the light still off and gave me the sweetest blessing. I was promised a good night sleep and that my pain would let up. He did not know about my struggle with giving this lesson today, but he blessed me that all would go well with my lesson and that the spirit would be with me as I taught. When I got up this morning, as part of the lesson I was supposed to call a girl and ask her to bring something that represented spirituality in her home. A lot of the girls were gone today because there was a mission farewell in another ward. So, I thought (Oh me of such little faith...) Good, there won't be too many girls in my class, so if I blow this terribly, at least some of the girls will be spared.

Well, Heavenly father stepped in. I just decided to tell the girls that I was not doing to well in this area of my life right now and we all talked of how we could do better. And then I asked the girl who I had asked to bring something spiritual from her home to share with the rest of us what she had brought from her home. Now, her mom attends my class sometimes, and was in our class today, so I didn't think much of it...but the girl said, "I brought my mom. She is everything good and wonderful about our home, and even though she is going through a really difficult time right now, she tries to be as happy as she can be." The spirit was so sweet...her mom started to cry, because she did not know why she was there. She has had so many struggles in her life that it breaks my heart!!!

Okay, now for the point. I was able to teach the lesson...the spirit guided me through everything that I was to say. It was a sweet lesson, but more importantly I knew that just because I was having a rough time right now did not mean it has always been this way in my home. I realized that Heavenly Father loves me and wants me to succeed in my calling as well as in being a wife, mother and grandmother. I also realized that many have been in our home and have felt the spirit. I just love the way Heavenly Father loves and understands me. I screw up so often...and yet He still cares. I am still His child. The day finished out with our family get together and a wonderful family prayer. Thank you, Father, for loving me.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

This has been a full week. It was hard to hear of President Gordon B. Hinckley's passing, but wonderful to know he is back home with those that love him best. His funeral was so touching, and I was reflecting on my life and comparing it to this giant of a man's life and felt like I have accomplished nothing. But a dear friend of mine pointed out to me that I did not have his mantle. That my mantle has been to raise 4 beautiful children in the church...all with testimonies of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. I thought about that some more, and how I haven't had the best of health or the strength I would have desired to have in my lifetime. I am not complaining, though. For all the struggles I have gone through, great lessons have followed and much love from Heavenly Father and dear friends.

The one thing I am learning in all of this is to trust the Priesthood. I know there are those of you out there who think sometimes we over due the priesthood and abuse it by asking for too many blessings. I wonder what they pioneers did when they did not have pain medicine or Doctors they could call?

I will admit, it is hard to bother the brethren when I am in pain or so discouraged I just don't think I can make it another day, but in every blessing I have had I have been told by Heavenly Father that He is glad I asked for this blessing, and that he desires to give me the help I so desperately need at the time. I have so often regained badly needed strength and courage to go on....and peace' beautiful, peaceful sleep.

I must tell those of you who have brought in meals and taken us to dinner, or brought in dinners this past week or so just how thankful I am for you and all the other millions of things you have done. Most of all, thank you for your visits! It is so good to see those I love come so often. I always love your company!!! I only have a few days left of Chemo and then Joni is going to take me off of it so that We can have an enjoyable trip. I wish you could all come!!!

I have learned again this week that if I pray and ask for help to accomplish all the things I want to do, that Heavenly Father really does help the most important things get done. I love Him and the Savior so much. They truly are my best friends, and want so much to be there for us if we will but ask. Have a great week!!!

AJ In the Snow

Doesn't she look like she is having a ball? I'm sure she is going to statrt screaming any minute!!! I actually have some where she looks like she is enjoying the snow...but i cannot figure out how to put them on my blog. Awe...technology!

Guess What?

A great man

Last night I woke up around 3:00AM. I was really in pain with my cracked feet. It is caused from the new chemo I am on, and you cannot believe how much something so little can hurt. Anyway, my honey bunny was so sweet to me. We talked a little about my pending death and rather or not I would make it to Orlando. I begged him to go even if I cannot. Then I asked him if he would give me a blessing of comfort. It is always hard for him to assist in blessings, let alone give them. I don't know if this was irreverent or not, but I just asked him to lay next to me and put his hand on my head and give me a blessing. It was so tender...this man who used to be so callused and far from the spirit ...reaching out and in just above a whisper asking the Lord to help my feet and hands to heal, asking that I might be able to sleep and that I would know what to do about this chemo; if I should continue with it or not. He also asked Heavenly Father to please keep me well enough to go to Orlando. Then we just held each other and he let me cry awhile. This morning it was him and not me that suggested we read the scriptures together. That is the first time in my life he has asked to read the scriptures together.

Sometimes I question why I have to go through cancer, and then I see the growth my husband has made, and the increasing love in our marriage and I am okay with it. I am so thankful for my husband's love and concern. God bless this great man.

What comfort this sweet sentence gives...

"Each of us will have our own Fridays--those days when the
universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered
about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems
we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays.


"But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered
death--Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday
will come.

"No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday
will come. In this life or in the next, Sunday will come.

"I
testify to you that the Resurrection is not a fable. We have the personal
testimonies of those who saw Him. Thousands in the Old and New Worlds
witnessed the risen Savior. They felt the wounds in His hands, feet, and
side. They shed tears of unrestrained joy as they embraced Him."

(Joseph B. Wirthlin, "Sunday Will Come," Ensign, Nov. 2006, 30)

O Divine Redeemer

It was nice to have a call from Sherry today. She let me cry, and cry, and cry. It is good to have friends that have known you all your life and they also know that I haven't always been this much of a basket case....right Sherry? ...right?

Today I told my Laurel class how serious the cancer has become and that I don't have a lot of time left. It was hard, but because the lesson was on drawing closer to the Savior, I felt it appropriate...as I am seeking his presence in a way I have never done before.

I have had wonderful visits from friends this week...April Payne came to see me... she lifted my soul. Sandy spent a day with me running me around...(she lets me cry, too). She taught me to let go of a problem I have been worried about and let God take care of it. Pat has been helping me type my life story and she is coming tomorrow to help me some more. I love her like a sister! We took Keith to Olive Garden and he helped get all the rest of the arrangements ready for our trip into warm country. I got a long call from Virginia and I loved it so much. I am so thankful for friends!!! April talks to me and helps me realize that the family will survive when I am gone and Joette rubs my feet almost daily. Gary has been such a jewel, and if he slips, I am so dang emotional, I think I scare him to death because I cry at the tiniest raise in the tone of his voice.

Tuesday, weather allowing, I am taking Isaac to another friends home and he is going to let Isaac get on his horses and take him for a little ride. I was invited to come along, but with my back being in the shape it is in, I decided it is best if I just brush the horses and smell them. Does everyone agree that nothing smells as good as a horse???

It is freezing cold here, and the driveway keeps drifting shut. I like the idea of just snuggling
up by the fireplace and staying warm. When I was teaching my lesson today one of the questions was "Would you know the Savior if he walked in this room right now?" I thought about that quite a bit before giving the lesson. Would you know the Savior if he were to come to your door? The answer I came up with...or answers, were, " I know the Savior by watching and drawing close to all those who do Christlike acts of service. I would also know the Savior by the way He would make me feel...His warmth and love would shine through and warm my heart! So even though I have never seen Him, (and their are plenty of people that have), I would have to say I know what it feels like to feel His presence because of all the many answers to prayers I have had over the years. I feel it is more important than ever for me to draw even closer to him every day.
I am not sure how, except to share everything with Him in prayer. O Divine Redeemer!!!

A new Day filled with choice choices.

A new day. I appreciate new days more that ever! I stayed up the other night and got a lot of my life history done. I have also had quite a few phone calls from long lost friends. I do know, with out a shadow of doubt, that God answers prayers. This new chemo has kind of messed me up emotionally, and I cry practically around the clock, but the other day, in the middle of a crying jag, my home teacher knocked on the door and said he felt like he needed to stop by and just visit for awhile. He said some things to me that i really needed to hear. He asked me what I was afraid of, and I said..."not dieing, really....I am afraid of the pain. He owns an assisted living complex, and he explained that when the time comes, I will have no pain, or very minimal. I also told him I was heartsick for my kids, especially a couple of them that I think will have a rough time. He pointed out how strong my children were. We reviewed my patriarchal blessing and he said I had overthrown many of the ills that plague mankind and that I had lived to see my children and grandchildren become strong in the gospel. The next day in the waiting room for radiation I overheard two older men talking about dieing, and that we all have to go sometime and that this was as good as any they guessed. I started thinking about that, and realized how much I have been able to accomplish knowing this was coming...the memories I have been able to make. and share. It really helped my attitude!!! Another cool thing is our trip to Orlando. I need everyone to pray with me that I will have the time to go and that I will feel half way decent for the family. We have planned some great things, and I am thankful for Keith, as he more or less has taken over and put the whole thing together for us. I spend every day in the doc's office and working on other projects so I rarely have the time...I also made such a stupid mistake the last time I planned a trip...I actually had my return flight booked for the same day I was leaving for SLC. Here is a plug for Southwest...when I told them what I had done, trying to hold back the tears, they just charged me $22.00 for the difference in cost of the ticket, and let me fly home on the day I meant to go home. Yeah SW!!!!!! Now if our prescription company could be half as cooperative, life would just be hunky dory!! Well, I will keep you posted about the trip. I am so thankful that gary has agreed to pay for everything...as the kids are all pretty broke right now ..just after Christmas. I told him that this was our gift to them, one that I hope will last a lifetime. I am done with radiation today. I am so glad! it just saps the strength right out of a person. It will be a wondrous day when they can cure or stop cancer without all of this barbaric stuff they do to other humans. I don't know how people can make this their lifeelong profession, but, I guess I am glad someone does so that i can have a few more months to love. Love....that is the key to keeping me going each and every day. Look for ways to love and serve, even if all you can do is embrace a hand or smile. Ask Heavenly Father to show you the best way you can serve. I know He let my home teacher know just what to say and do. We can all be instruments in His hands.

If wishes were horses, we'd all ride.

Well, the other day I was talking to a friend and we were talking about fulfilling our lifetime dreams, and I DECIDED I HAD TWO DREAMS...ONE TO TAKE MY ENTIRE FAMILY TO DISNEY WORLD AND THE OTHER WAS TO GO TO MAUI. THE CONVERSATION KEPT GOING UNTIL SHE HAD Me TOTALLY CONVINCED WE COULD SOMEHOW GO AS A FAMILY TO ORLANDO...AND NOW, TWO DAYS LATER , MOST OF THE PLANS ARE MADE AND WE ARE REALLY GOING TO DO THIS. i CAN HARDLY WAIT TO SEE THE EXCITEMENT IN MY LITTLE GRANDDAUGHTERS EYES. AND THEN i THINK...IT IS NOT WHERE YOU GO OR WHAT YOU DO, It's IS IN THE LOVE WE ALL SHARE AND THE closeness THAT HOLDS US together. Still, I am so very excited to go!!!!All 16 of us!!! And things have pulled together with housing and financing so miraculously , I may still get my Maui trip out of this!!!

This is too important not to blog

Okay...I have to take time to get this news out. I was sent this information by a very good friend of mine who I trust explicitly, so I will put this on my blog.

"Just wanted you to know that I followed up on the assertion that Obama's
Church (Trinity Unitarian Christian Church - check out www.tucc.org) is a
militant racist organization and it is factual. The MD I work with is
married to a member of the secret service who has been assigned to guard
Obama since the threats on his life and he confirms that Obama attends
this church and that Obama and the pastor have been close friends for many
years."

Regardless of who you intend to vote for, you had better be more informed this year than ever before, and as the general authorities have asked us over and over again....we need to vote. "The only thing necessary for evil to take over is for good people to do nothing." Listen to the Leaders of the Church, do your homework, fast and pray and then vote for the right man in this race. Our country's future depends on you and who you vote for in the primaries and in the final election. Please register and get out there and do your part!!!!!!!!

I started this blog and then got interrupted, and like most things theses days did not get back to it. But I will say...I just don't have that much to say on my blog anymore that's of value and I think I am going to quit writing on it. I need to get my life story done and so many other things and I feel like I am running out of precious time. I will still comment on yours and read them, because I find them so entertaining and enjoy them so much. It is interesting to hear about how you are solving your own struggles and getting through life. But my blog just seems to be a downer and I don't know how to change and I am sure no one out there wants or needs to hear my petty problems in their lives