Lists

I am not sure what I want to say or even how to say it. I am afraid that no matter what I say tonight it will judged a pity trip, especially by those least qualified to judge, and that is not what is intended here.

At least once a week I do have a mental melt down and life just gets hard. Tonight I got left off a list...sort of like I was already dead and I cannot believe how much it hurt me. You see, I have had this friend for at least twelve years or more and I considered her one of my dearest treasures...but ever since I got cancer, and the docs said it was fatal, she has slowly cut me out of her life. She does not call me, so I call her. She does not come to see me, so I go see her. A different friend asked me the other day to share with her what cancer has taught me....and I told her I didn't realize before I had cancer what a lonely disease it was. I told her not to be afraid of someone because they are dyeing because we all are. Now I am not sure if this is why I have been cut out of my friends life. Maybe I hurt her feelings and didn't know it. Maybe I said or did something that she felt was below me or below her. Maybe I hurt one of her children. I just know the special relationship we had is gone and it makes my heart sad.

A little over two years ago, I found out that Mary...down the hill from me, had her cancer come back. Mine was still in remission at the time. I went to see her a few times and she brought me a little house for my collection. On the day I found out my cancer was back I went to see her and when I knocked on her door, her husband told me to leave them alone, that they had just been told that there was nothing more that they could do for her and had given her 3 months to live.

I never went back to see her. I was afraid her husband would be angry with me or that her two big dogs might chase me up the hill, and I would not be able to move fast enough to get away from them. But I could have driven down to her house, or called her, or I could have told her husband where to go and that I was visiting her rather he liked it or not...but I didn't and she died. I didn't go because I didn't know what I could say to her.

I went to her funeral but it seemed like a hollow offering. Anyway...people, young and old, rich or poor, sick or well all need the same thing. They need to know they are of worth. Sometimes , my daughter, Joette, just rubs my feet and legs and says nothing. But it feels so good and is such a Christlike gesture that I weep knowing how much she cares.

I know of another woman who died this year of cancer. I have been told that she was the most upbeat person, and never once complained. Maybe that is my problem....I talk about cancer openly. I try not to whine, but if people ask, I explain where I am in the disease. And in the darkness of night...like now...when I am awake with all my concerns about my family and the hereafter....hoping I have been valiant enough...I do cry...and I don't think I am full of self pity. I think any normal person would cry. Most of my tears are me calling out to God to just be with me for one more night. And usually by the next day, I have felt His loving arms around me and I am back trying to accomplish something of worth...trying to live! When I am talking to a friend who I know really cares, sometimes I cry. (I can still laugh my head off, too though...and sometimes I do both in the same sentence).

I am mostly just talking to myself this night...I just wish I knew what happened to my friend. A really wonderful thing happened today, though....my sister, Barbara, called to thank me for coming to see her. It was just a short visit, but I am so glad I went. You see, I love her. I cannot do much, but I found a way to do that. Look at your list. Have you filled your life with so much unnecessary stuff that you've crowded someone who once was important out ? I did that to Mary, and I feel the regret every day. Just last week, Gary kept saying he should go see Ray, an old friend of his. Ray died Tuesday. Gary never made it over to see him. Thank you God for my life and all that I have learned and am learning. I feel better now..and I will feel even better after I have knelt in prayer and made sure You are at the top of my list!

The Birds

I am sitting here working on my life history...the sun is shining and the birds are chirping...even though we have at least two feet of snow on the ground. It really is a beautiful day.

Thank you, Father

It is late, but I really felt I needed to share my thoughts tonight. We had a family council and dinner tonight about the trip. It was mostly just a lot of fun ruckus, but we were all happy to be going. We were also very grateful that April has taken it on herself to be in charge of getting the food together and seeing that everyone has a chance to help out with meals. Thanks, April. Even though you are far away, we felt your influence and desire to help and we are really looking forward for our family trip.

I also want to bare my testimony again about the power of prayer. I was really bummed yesterday...I fell the day before and I had so much pain...anyway, I was not very pleasant to be around all day long. Then I read the lesson I had to teach the Laurels today, and forgive me, I got so blasted mad,I just lost it. The lesson was on bringing spirituality in your home by improving your environment and your spirituality. Here I am in the middle of a physical and mental breakdown and I have to teach WHAT?????

I said to God, "How can you ask me to teach something that I am so far away from right now?" I cried and cried and then read the lesson again, only this time I read another article that spoke about the influence a spiritual home can have on the entire family and the world around us. I decided to go to bed and face this struggle this morning. I could not sleep. I had so much pain.

Finally I woke up Gary and asked for a blessing. He got out of bed and walked around to my side of the bed with the light still off and gave me the sweetest blessing. I was promised a good night sleep and that my pain would let up. He did not know about my struggle with giving this lesson today, but he blessed me that all would go well with my lesson and that the spirit would be with me as I taught. When I got up this morning, as part of the lesson I was supposed to call a girl and ask her to bring something that represented spirituality in her home. A lot of the girls were gone today because there was a mission farewell in another ward. So, I thought (Oh me of such little faith...) Good, there won't be too many girls in my class, so if I blow this terribly, at least some of the girls will be spared.

Well, Heavenly father stepped in. I just decided to tell the girls that I was not doing to well in this area of my life right now and we all talked of how we could do better. And then I asked the girl who I had asked to bring something spiritual from her home to share with the rest of us what she had brought from her home. Now, her mom attends my class sometimes, and was in our class today, so I didn't think much of it...but the girl said, "I brought my mom. She is everything good and wonderful about our home, and even though she is going through a really difficult time right now, she tries to be as happy as she can be." The spirit was so sweet...her mom started to cry, because she did not know why she was there. She has had so many struggles in her life that it breaks my heart!!!

Okay, now for the point. I was able to teach the lesson...the spirit guided me through everything that I was to say. It was a sweet lesson, but more importantly I knew that just because I was having a rough time right now did not mean it has always been this way in my home. I realized that Heavenly Father loves me and wants me to succeed in my calling as well as in being a wife, mother and grandmother. I also realized that many have been in our home and have felt the spirit. I just love the way Heavenly Father loves and understands me. I screw up so often...and yet He still cares. I am still His child. The day finished out with our family get together and a wonderful family prayer. Thank you, Father, for loving me.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

This has been a full week. It was hard to hear of President Gordon B. Hinckley's passing, but wonderful to know he is back home with those that love him best. His funeral was so touching, and I was reflecting on my life and comparing it to this giant of a man's life and felt like I have accomplished nothing. But a dear friend of mine pointed out to me that I did not have his mantle. That my mantle has been to raise 4 beautiful children in the church...all with testimonies of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. I thought about that some more, and how I haven't had the best of health or the strength I would have desired to have in my lifetime. I am not complaining, though. For all the struggles I have gone through, great lessons have followed and much love from Heavenly Father and dear friends.

The one thing I am learning in all of this is to trust the Priesthood. I know there are those of you out there who think sometimes we over due the priesthood and abuse it by asking for too many blessings. I wonder what they pioneers did when they did not have pain medicine or Doctors they could call?

I will admit, it is hard to bother the brethren when I am in pain or so discouraged I just don't think I can make it another day, but in every blessing I have had I have been told by Heavenly Father that He is glad I asked for this blessing, and that he desires to give me the help I so desperately need at the time. I have so often regained badly needed strength and courage to go on....and peace' beautiful, peaceful sleep.

I must tell those of you who have brought in meals and taken us to dinner, or brought in dinners this past week or so just how thankful I am for you and all the other millions of things you have done. Most of all, thank you for your visits! It is so good to see those I love come so often. I always love your company!!! I only have a few days left of Chemo and then Joni is going to take me off of it so that We can have an enjoyable trip. I wish you could all come!!!

I have learned again this week that if I pray and ask for help to accomplish all the things I want to do, that Heavenly Father really does help the most important things get done. I love Him and the Savior so much. They truly are my best friends, and want so much to be there for us if we will but ask. Have a great week!!!

AJ In the Snow

Doesn't she look like she is having a ball? I'm sure she is going to statrt screaming any minute!!! I actually have some where she looks like she is enjoying the snow...but i cannot figure out how to put them on my blog. Awe...technology!

Guess What?

A great man

Last night I woke up around 3:00AM. I was really in pain with my cracked feet. It is caused from the new chemo I am on, and you cannot believe how much something so little can hurt. Anyway, my honey bunny was so sweet to me. We talked a little about my pending death and rather or not I would make it to Orlando. I begged him to go even if I cannot. Then I asked him if he would give me a blessing of comfort. It is always hard for him to assist in blessings, let alone give them. I don't know if this was irreverent or not, but I just asked him to lay next to me and put his hand on my head and give me a blessing. It was so tender...this man who used to be so callused and far from the spirit ...reaching out and in just above a whisper asking the Lord to help my feet and hands to heal, asking that I might be able to sleep and that I would know what to do about this chemo; if I should continue with it or not. He also asked Heavenly Father to please keep me well enough to go to Orlando. Then we just held each other and he let me cry awhile. This morning it was him and not me that suggested we read the scriptures together. That is the first time in my life he has asked to read the scriptures together.

Sometimes I question why I have to go through cancer, and then I see the growth my husband has made, and the increasing love in our marriage and I am okay with it. I am so thankful for my husband's love and concern. God bless this great man.

What comfort this sweet sentence gives...

"Each of us will have our own Fridays--those days when the
universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered
about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems
we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays.


"But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered
death--Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday
will come.

"No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday
will come. In this life or in the next, Sunday will come.

"I
testify to you that the Resurrection is not a fable. We have the personal
testimonies of those who saw Him. Thousands in the Old and New Worlds
witnessed the risen Savior. They felt the wounds in His hands, feet, and
side. They shed tears of unrestrained joy as they embraced Him."

(Joseph B. Wirthlin, "Sunday Will Come," Ensign, Nov. 2006, 30)

O Divine Redeemer

It was nice to have a call from Sherry today. She let me cry, and cry, and cry. It is good to have friends that have known you all your life and they also know that I haven't always been this much of a basket case....right Sherry? ...right?

Today I told my Laurel class how serious the cancer has become and that I don't have a lot of time left. It was hard, but because the lesson was on drawing closer to the Savior, I felt it appropriate...as I am seeking his presence in a way I have never done before.

I have had wonderful visits from friends this week...April Payne came to see me... she lifted my soul. Sandy spent a day with me running me around...(she lets me cry, too). She taught me to let go of a problem I have been worried about and let God take care of it. Pat has been helping me type my life story and she is coming tomorrow to help me some more. I love her like a sister! We took Keith to Olive Garden and he helped get all the rest of the arrangements ready for our trip into warm country. I got a long call from Virginia and I loved it so much. I am so thankful for friends!!! April talks to me and helps me realize that the family will survive when I am gone and Joette rubs my feet almost daily. Gary has been such a jewel, and if he slips, I am so dang emotional, I think I scare him to death because I cry at the tiniest raise in the tone of his voice.

Tuesday, weather allowing, I am taking Isaac to another friends home and he is going to let Isaac get on his horses and take him for a little ride. I was invited to come along, but with my back being in the shape it is in, I decided it is best if I just brush the horses and smell them. Does everyone agree that nothing smells as good as a horse???

It is freezing cold here, and the driveway keeps drifting shut. I like the idea of just snuggling
up by the fireplace and staying warm. When I was teaching my lesson today one of the questions was "Would you know the Savior if he walked in this room right now?" I thought about that quite a bit before giving the lesson. Would you know the Savior if he were to come to your door? The answer I came up with...or answers, were, " I know the Savior by watching and drawing close to all those who do Christlike acts of service. I would also know the Savior by the way He would make me feel...His warmth and love would shine through and warm my heart! So even though I have never seen Him, (and their are plenty of people that have), I would have to say I know what it feels like to feel His presence because of all the many answers to prayers I have had over the years. I feel it is more important than ever for me to draw even closer to him every day.
I am not sure how, except to share everything with Him in prayer. O Divine Redeemer!!!

A new Day filled with choice choices.

A new day. I appreciate new days more that ever! I stayed up the other night and got a lot of my life history done. I have also had quite a few phone calls from long lost friends. I do know, with out a shadow of doubt, that God answers prayers. This new chemo has kind of messed me up emotionally, and I cry practically around the clock, but the other day, in the middle of a crying jag, my home teacher knocked on the door and said he felt like he needed to stop by and just visit for awhile. He said some things to me that i really needed to hear. He asked me what I was afraid of, and I said..."not dieing, really....I am afraid of the pain. He owns an assisted living complex, and he explained that when the time comes, I will have no pain, or very minimal. I also told him I was heartsick for my kids, especially a couple of them that I think will have a rough time. He pointed out how strong my children were. We reviewed my patriarchal blessing and he said I had overthrown many of the ills that plague mankind and that I had lived to see my children and grandchildren become strong in the gospel. The next day in the waiting room for radiation I overheard two older men talking about dieing, and that we all have to go sometime and that this was as good as any they guessed. I started thinking about that, and realized how much I have been able to accomplish knowing this was coming...the memories I have been able to make. and share. It really helped my attitude!!! Another cool thing is our trip to Orlando. I need everyone to pray with me that I will have the time to go and that I will feel half way decent for the family. We have planned some great things, and I am thankful for Keith, as he more or less has taken over and put the whole thing together for us. I spend every day in the doc's office and working on other projects so I rarely have the time...I also made such a stupid mistake the last time I planned a trip...I actually had my return flight booked for the same day I was leaving for SLC. Here is a plug for Southwest...when I told them what I had done, trying to hold back the tears, they just charged me $22.00 for the difference in cost of the ticket, and let me fly home on the day I meant to go home. Yeah SW!!!!!! Now if our prescription company could be half as cooperative, life would just be hunky dory!! Well, I will keep you posted about the trip. I am so thankful that gary has agreed to pay for everything...as the kids are all pretty broke right now ..just after Christmas. I told him that this was our gift to them, one that I hope will last a lifetime. I am done with radiation today. I am so glad! it just saps the strength right out of a person. It will be a wondrous day when they can cure or stop cancer without all of this barbaric stuff they do to other humans. I don't know how people can make this their lifeelong profession, but, I guess I am glad someone does so that i can have a few more months to love. Love....that is the key to keeping me going each and every day. Look for ways to love and serve, even if all you can do is embrace a hand or smile. Ask Heavenly Father to show you the best way you can serve. I know He let my home teacher know just what to say and do. We can all be instruments in His hands.

If wishes were horses, we'd all ride.

Well, the other day I was talking to a friend and we were talking about fulfilling our lifetime dreams, and I DECIDED I HAD TWO DREAMS...ONE TO TAKE MY ENTIRE FAMILY TO DISNEY WORLD AND THE OTHER WAS TO GO TO MAUI. THE CONVERSATION KEPT GOING UNTIL SHE HAD Me TOTALLY CONVINCED WE COULD SOMEHOW GO AS A FAMILY TO ORLANDO...AND NOW, TWO DAYS LATER , MOST OF THE PLANS ARE MADE AND WE ARE REALLY GOING TO DO THIS. i CAN HARDLY WAIT TO SEE THE EXCITEMENT IN MY LITTLE GRANDDAUGHTERS EYES. AND THEN i THINK...IT IS NOT WHERE YOU GO OR WHAT YOU DO, It's IS IN THE LOVE WE ALL SHARE AND THE closeness THAT HOLDS US together. Still, I am so very excited to go!!!!All 16 of us!!! And things have pulled together with housing and financing so miraculously , I may still get my Maui trip out of this!!!

This is too important not to blog

Okay...I have to take time to get this news out. I was sent this information by a very good friend of mine who I trust explicitly, so I will put this on my blog.

"Just wanted you to know that I followed up on the assertion that Obama's
Church (Trinity Unitarian Christian Church - check out www.tucc.org) is a
militant racist organization and it is factual. The MD I work with is
married to a member of the secret service who has been assigned to guard
Obama since the threats on his life and he confirms that Obama attends
this church and that Obama and the pastor have been close friends for many
years."

Regardless of who you intend to vote for, you had better be more informed this year than ever before, and as the general authorities have asked us over and over again....we need to vote. "The only thing necessary for evil to take over is for good people to do nothing." Listen to the Leaders of the Church, do your homework, fast and pray and then vote for the right man in this race. Our country's future depends on you and who you vote for in the primaries and in the final election. Please register and get out there and do your part!!!!!!!!

I started this blog and then got interrupted, and like most things theses days did not get back to it. But I will say...I just don't have that much to say on my blog anymore that's of value and I think I am going to quit writing on it. I need to get my life story done and so many other things and I feel like I am running out of precious time. I will still comment on yours and read them, because I find them so entertaining and enjoy them so much. It is interesting to hear about how you are solving your own struggles and getting through life. But my blog just seems to be a downer and I don't know how to change and I am sure no one out there wants or needs to hear my petty problems in their lives

Goodbye

Trust

Not quite sure what I am to write about this morning...just know that I haven't written much of late. I ended my first round of my new chemo this week. I didn't do too bad...I just have a slit in my heal where the skin is drying out and it is really painful. They started radiation on my hip and both my arms Wednesday. The point is to keep the pain level down. I am back using my walker, except Gary ran over it!!! ( He was probably wishing I was using it at the time,hahaha!)

I talked to Dr. Fairbanks and he and the neurosurgeon pretty much decided to put treating my brain off for a couple of months. If the lesions in the brain start causing me a lot of problems, or the chemo starts working everywhere else in a remarkable way, then they will go ahead with the gamma radiation...but as for now it is a waiting game, and it does not look very good. Unless I get that miracle real soon, I will die...probably within 3 to 6 months...maybe sooner.

I was really saddened by the news last week of all the brain lesions, and one afternoon just after praying and crying, my home teacher stopped in. He usually plows our driveway out for us, and that's what I thought he was doing, but he said he had an impression to stop and see how I was really doing. I told him about the brain mets and that I was a little frightened...I also shared how I didn't understand any of this because my patriarchal blessing says I will have the health and strength to throw off the ills and sicknesses that prey upon mankind, and I had had a couple of blessings wherein I felt like I would be healed.

He asked me what I was afraid of? I told him that perhaps I had not done all that I could have while here on earth. I also told him I hated to leave my children and grandchildren. I also said that I didn't want to leave Joette unmarried or Gary, for that matter. He was very tender, and said that I had raised a good family, strong in the Gospel of Jesus Christ; that I had served well and strong. He could not sooth the questions about the blessings, but since he was here I have felt more at peace about all of this.

Last night I mentioned to a friend that I would like to go to Maui. She, in turn, has a friend with a timeshare there. It sounds grand, and maybe I will go...but depending on the time I have left, I think I would rather spend it with my family. The best would be if they could all come, too. Of course, none of us are in a position to pay for it. The hard thing would be that we get the condo and I pass it up because I want to see the most I can of my children, and then not be able to see them much anyway.

This weekend we have a general authority coming to restructure two stakes in the area. In my deepest desires, I wish I could have a blessing by him. I know that my humble home teacher has the power the general authority does, so the thought is silly, I guess. It is just hard because I have had these blessings that promise me life. So many of my blessings in my lifetime have panned out just as they were spoken to me. I have always put my trust in the priesthood...always... as I know it is the greatest power on earth, with God watching over each blessing.

Whatever is coming...it is meant to be. I must and will trust God.

Yes, I have a testiomony

Today I was asked to represent Jesus in Young Women's by bearing my testimony. When I got the assignment, I cried for three days. How does one such as I, or anyone for that matter represent the Lord. Each leader took part of the nativity and told what they felt and saw when the Savior was born. Each leader did an incredible job, and the room was filled with the spirit. I was in tears again when it became ,y turn. I told the girls that this was a very difficult assignment for me, but that when I prayed I figured that a prophet would know more of what it felt like to be the Savior, and what His purpose was on earth.
I read most of my talk, and this is what i said:

"I am the light of the world;he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life."

"Early in his childhood, Spencer W. Kimball suffered the pain that comes with the death of loved ones. When he was eight years old, his sister Mary died shortly after her birth. A month later, Spencer’s parents sensed that five-year-old Fannie, who had been suffering for several weeks, would soon pass away. Spencer later told of the day Fannie died: “On my ninth birthday Fannie died in Mother’s arms. All of us children were awakened in the early night to be present. I seem to remember the scene in our living room … , my beloved mother weeping with her little dying five-year-old child in her arms and all of us crowding around.”1

Even more difficult for young Spencer was the news he received two years later, when he and his brothers and sisters were called home from school one morning. They ran home and were met by their bishop, who gathered them around him and told them that their mother had died the day before. President Kimball later recalled: “It came as a thunderbolt. I ran from the house out in the backyard to be alone in my deluge of tears. Out of sight and sound, away from everybody, I sobbed and sobbed. Each time I said the word ‘Ma’ fresh floods of tears gushed forth until I was drained dry. Ma—dead! But she couldn’t be! Life couldn’t go on for us. … My eleven-year-old heart seemed to burst.”

Fifty years later, Elder Spencer W. Kimball, then a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, found himself far away from home, recovering from major surgery. Unable to sleep, he recalled the day his mother died: “I feel like sobbing again now … as my memory takes me over those sad paths.”

Facing the deep sadness of such experiences, Spencer W. Kimball always found comfort in prayer and in the principles of the gospel. Even in his childhood, he knew where to turn to receive peace. A family friend wrote of young Spencer’s prayers—“how the loss of his mother weighed so heavily upon his little heart and yet how bravely he battled with his grief and sought comfort from the only source.”

In his ministry, President Kimball frequently offered words of solace to those who mourned the loss of loved ones. He testified of eternal principles, assuring the Saints that death is not the end of existence. Speaking at a funeral, he once said:

“We are limited in our visions. With our eyes we can see but a few miles. With our ears we can hear but a few years. We are encased, enclosed, as it were, in a room, but when our light goes out of this life, then we see beyond mortal limitations. …

“The walls go down, time ends and distance fades and vanishes as we go into eternity … and we immediately emerge into a great world in which there are no earthly limitations.”

The daily newspaper screamed the headlines: “Plane Crash Kills 43. No Survivors of Mountain Tragedy,” and thousands of voices joined in a chorus: “Why did the Lord let this terrible thing happen?”

Two automobiles crashed when one went through a red light, and six people were killed. Why would God not prevent this?

Why should the young mother die of cancer and leave her eight children motherless? Why did not the Lord heal her?

A little child was drowned; another was run over. Why?

A man died one day suddenly of a coronary occlusion as he climbed a stairway. His body was found slumped on the floor. His wife cried out in agony, “Why? Why would the Lord do this to me? Could he not have considered my three little children who still need a father?”

A young man died in the mission field and people critically questioned: “Why did not the Lord protect this youth while he was doing proselyting work?”

I wish I could answer these questions with authority, but I cannot. I am sure that sometime we’ll understand and be reconciled. But for the present we must seek understanding as best we can in the gospel principles.

Was it the Lord who directed the plane into the mountain to snuff out the lives of its occupants, or were there mechanical faults or human errors?

Did our Father in heaven cause the collision of the cars that took six people into eternity, or was it the error of the driver who ignored safety rules?

Did God take the life of the young mother or prompt the child to toddle into the canal or guide the other child into the path of the oncoming car?

Did the Lord cause the man to suffer a heart attack? Was the death of the missionary untimely? Answer, if you can. I cannot, for though I know God has a major role in our lives, I do not know how much he causes to happen and how much he merely permits. Whatever the answer to this question, there is another I feel sure about.

Could the Lord have prevented these tragedies? The answer is, Yes. The Lord is omnipotent, with all power to control our lives, save us pain, prevent all accidents, drive all planes and cars, feed us, protect us, save us from labor, effort, sickness, even from death, if he will. But he will not.

We should be able to understand this, because we can realize how unwise it would be for us to shield our children from all effort, from disappointments, temptations, sorrows, and suffering.

The basic gospel law is free agency and eternal development. To force us to be careful or righteous would be to nullify that fundamental law and make growth impossible.

If we looked at mortality as the whole of existence, then pain, sorrow, failure, and short life would be calamity. But if we look upon life as an eternal thing stretching far into the premortal past and on into the eternal post-death future, then all happenings may be put in proper perspective.

Is there not wisdom in his giving us trials that we might rise above them, responsibilities that we might achieve, work to harden our muscles, sorrows to try our souls? Are we not exposed to temptations to test our strength, sickness that we might learn patience, death that we might be immortalized and glorified?

If all the sick for whom we pray were healed, if all the righteous were protected and the wicked destroyed, the whole program of the Father would be annulled and the basic principle of the gospel, free agency, would be ended. No man would have to live by faith.

If joy and peace and rewards were instantaneously given the doer of good, there could be no evil—all would do good but not because of the rightness of doing good. There would be no test of strength, no development of character, no growth of powers, no free agency, only satanic controls.

Should all prayers be immediately answered according to our selfish desires and our limited understanding, then there would be little or no suffering, sorrow, disappointment, or even death, and if these were not, there would also be no joy, success, resurrection, nor eternal life and godhood.

“For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things … righteousness … wickedness … holiness … misery … good … bad. …” (2 Nephi 2:11.)

Being human, we would expel from our lives physical pain and mental anguish and assure ourselves of continual ease and comfort, but if we were to close the doors upon sorrow and distress, we might be excluding our greatest friends and benefactors. Suffering can make saints of people as they learn patience, long-suffering, and self-mastery. …

And Elder James E. Talmage wrote: “No pang that is suffered by man or woman upon the earth will be without its compensating effect … if it be met with patience."

My Testimony

When I was about 17 years old, I had a very traumatic experience that left me crying out to the Heaven’s with one question. That question was,” Is there anyone anywhere who cares about me?” Instantly I felt warmth surrounding me, and I knew that there was a God and He did care about me. I was not active in the church at the time, and quite frankly did not deserve such a manifestation. I had another similar experience a few months later. I was outside our house in the woodshed. It was dark and snowy and I felt very much alone. It was not really a prayer that I offered; I just needed some assurance that I was loved. I again felt warmth surrounding me.

When I gave birth to my first child, I felt that angels were very near, and I also knew at that moment that I needed to change my life. I guess that is when I started searching, and started thinking about the consequences of everything I did and had done in my life. A few years later I was in Idaho Falls with a philanthropic sorority being trained to be president of the local chapter in CDA. Many of the women that I came with were doing terrible things that weekend. I left the bar early and went to my room where I could be alone. I left the lights off and I knelt and prayed for the first time I could ever remember. I prayed about my life and marriage and how hopeless I felt. Upon finishing my prayer, I opened the drapes and in the darkness I saw the Idaho Falls Temple framed by my window. Again, I felt the warmth I had felt a few times earlier in my life and somehow I knew everything would be okay.

It was not too long after that experience, and many others that my visiting teachers knocked on my door. I was attending the Presbyterian Church at the time and going to a couple of Bible studies, and although I had been brainwashed against the church for years by my inactive family, I knew I should let them in. They came faithfully for several months and one day they sent the missionaries. The missionaries asked me if I knew anyone who would like to take the discussions, and I asked them if it would be possible for me to take them. It was not long, and after many, many questions on my part that I started to feel the spirit on a regular basis and decided to attend church. The first Sacrament meeting was so sweet and spiritual and so was my first experience with Relief Society. I could not deny the feelings I was having and so I continued to attend, even though both of my neighbors and all of my friends counseled me to quit attending the Mormon Church.

The warmth and spiritual feelings and the answered prayers continued and have to this day. I know the Church of Jesus Christ is true. I know, through prayer and the witness of the spirit that Joseph Smith saw God the Father and Jesus Christ as he knelt in prayer in the sacred grove seeking knowledge as to which church to join. I knew the first time I read the Book of Mormon that it was true, because again, I felt the warmth of the spirit bearing witness to me of its truthfulness.

All my adult life I have followed that sweet feeling. I have heard promptings that have helped me raise my children, save my marriage and guide me in all of my callings. I love the Church. Just tonight I went to a Crèche sponsored by the church and opened to the public. It was so beautifully done. Every time I pray or attend a meeting I am taught by the Holy Ghost. My life would be a total waste had I not listened and prayed when the missionaries came to my door. I cannot imagine how empty it would be without the Holy Spirit to be my guide. I cannot even express how dependent I am on my Savior, Jesus Christ, especially now as I fight cancer. It is very early in the morning and I could not sleep, so I came into my office to pray and to plead with Heavenly Father through His Son to help me get through one more day. And I know, because He has never let me down, that He will sustain me again. He will lift me and make me a better person for having gone through this experience. I know I will live with Him and his Son again, along with my family for all eternity. He will teach me all that I need to know as He always has. This is my testimony in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Edith Kaye Tomblin

I have to teach a testimony....?

It has been a busy month...I suppose it has been for everyone. I had a celebration of life party and it was just wonderful. My dear friend described it as being like a Norman Rockwell picture. People came from all over, new friends and old friends. I could not have asked for more.

The next day I found out I now have 15 brain mets. When they do the set up on them to see if treatment can even be done, they will then determine if it is worth it or not. It was a hard morning to learn that I really don't have much time left. I try to stay positive, but it is difficult to say the least. I keep returning to my blessings and to my patriarchal blessing that have all held such great promises. Now I am starting to wonder exactly what those promises mean.

This Sunday I have to teach a lesson , well more like give a testimony of the Savior, and I am finding that I am really struggling with this. I know He lives, I know he has blessed my life many times, but just now I feel so distant from him. I have no answers to the blessings, nothing to give my grandchildren who have prayed so hard for me...The Inn is empty.

I know Christ has lifted me and blessed me all through my life, but for the first time, I feel that I am lost in the crowd...so many need so much more than I do. Just yesterday my oncologist told of a witness of a man from his ward who was completely healed from cancer that had spread throughout all his vital organs.I have tried to serve my entire life. I am not asking for much.....just a few more years, years that only God can grant me. A miracle of small proportions when I think that with one swoop of His arm he creates mountains. And yet, who am I? Just one ordinary person hoping for a miracle. But it was a miracle promised to me so long ago....one that I have banked on and hoped for.

So, I hang on..hoping. Hoping that His promises are true. Sorry to be so down today...I started a new chemo yesterday...an oral one every day twice a day. I am doing all this because I was told in a blessing to do everything medically possible to save my life.But what do I say to the young women on Sunday? How do I teach them about faith when it seems so distant? How do I teach them, when I feel my own has run out...dried up? How do I teach them that His promises are sure?

I also have to have more radiation done to my right hip and both arms. I think they will start that day after Christmas. It will help the pain. I have a lot of pain today. My heart feels like it is breaking in a million pieces. Just sitting here watching my little Julia sleep is tearing me apart. I must try to remember that God guides the future as He has the past.

My husband friend

I had a fun time Saturday. I took Alyssa out to buy her a birthday present, and then we went out to eat. She is such a wonderfully mature girl. She helped me pick out a birthday toy for Mckenzie, too. I am looking forward to our projects we do each year for Christmas together...just me, one on one with my grandkids.

I also got to go hear my daughter-in law teach a lesson in which she had Joette sing and play a song that Joette wrote. It was all so nice. Gary said a prayer in church that was just incredible. We left church early today...I was really struggling, but Gary is so good to me, and I appreciate him so much. He has turned into the best listener these past few months. Sometimes a person (woman) just needs to cry. They don't need anything fixed, they just need to hear themselves think and then they work it out on their own. Gary has been that kind of friend to me. Have a great week.