I'm Leaving on a Jet Plane

I m leaving in a few minutes to for SLC to see April and Chay and their cute baby girls. On Sunday i was having second thoughts, but this morning I woke up to snow again, and decided 75 degree weather sounded really nice I hope to help her with her laundry room/storage room. She got some cabinets given to her and she is painting them white. Chay is the handy man that hung them, and April says they look really great. I love that kind of stuff, and although I am a little more tired than I hoped I would be, it will be fun to help where I can. I wish Gary was going with me, but he said he would stay here and start the painting in the Master bath. Soon we will start the laundry room project. It will be so nice to have a mud room/laundry room that is bigger than a postage stamp!!!

The kids were all here Sunday night to celebrate my low tumor markers and to say goodbye as I will be gone a couple of weeks. I will try to take some pictures and post them while I am gone.Well...the plane is going to be here soon...better get going. I Love you guys!!! See you soon!!

My Son in-law

I am really thankful for Chay!!!!!!

Remember to Give Thanks

I am thankful for:

The Savior
My testimony
Prayer
The General Authorities
The last three days of sunshine
My wonderful husband
lifelong friends
New friends
My children
my grandchildren
My Cancer Doctor
Modern Medicine
My senses
Love
all of nature
gifts from God
the ability to work(I painted my bathroom this week...hurray)
sleep
kind words
forgiveness
good food
chocolate chip cookies
color
laughter
tears
sadness
joy
honesty
those you can rely on
Jeannie's model of service
our car
airplanes
my computer
the telephone
my home
the view from our front porch
the view from our deck
water
being pain free
hugging and being hugged
the success of my two sons in raising righteous families as priesthood holders
my daughter in-laws
flowers
animals
silent times of contemplation
household items that make life easier
my heating pad
feet that don't hurt
the ability to walk
camera's
pictures
Spring
my brothers and sisters
members of the church
the ability to make choices
the USA
Idaho
Newman Lake
I could probably go on for another hour or so. When I prayed tonight, the thought came to me to be thankful and to express it outloud. We are all so blessed. Thank you Heavenly Father

To Blog or not to Blog....

I haven't written in awhile...I have felt really good this week, and I painted my bathroom and have been looking for new things to decorate with. (Whoops, maybe I should be buying food storage...) That was not meant to be derogatory. I just needed a change after being cooped up this long, snowy winter.

I had really good news on Monday, when Dr. Nichols called to tell me my tumor markers were down to 16. I think normal is about 3 to 8 or something like that. Which means I am almost normal!!!!! hahahahaha!!! Okay, okay...so I will never really be normal.

I know that my last few entries have not been the most uplifting. For almost three weeks I felt yucky every day. I didn't know it, but I had a low grade infection. I do think it is harder to stay positive when you are battling an illness such as cancer to always stay cheerful. I read a quote that helped me:

"At . . . moments of crisis and challenge, some choose to abandon
faith just at the time when it most needs to be embraced. Prayer is ignored
at the very hour when it needs to be intensified. Virtue is carelessly
tossed aside when it needs to be cherished. God is forsaken in the
all-too-human yet mistaken fear that He has forsaken us.


"The truth is that our only safety, our only security, our only
hope is to hold fast to that which is good. As the mists of darkness gather
around us, we are only lost if we choose to let go of the iron rod, which
is the word of God."
(David S. Baxter

Your prayers are always appreciated, and I know I have lived this long because of your faith.

Someone told me that I say too much on my blog. I am just not savvy with the blog world, and think it is a waste of time if I cannot express honestly how I feel. I started this blog to track my feelings through this disease of cancer, thinking perhaps other people had struggles and were battling difficulties also. My hope and intent was to share with you the blessings of the disease and all that I have learned through the struggles, and to lift you... not to drag you down. But sometimes I get down. Maybe on those days, I should stay away from the computer!!!.

They come and they go

Apparently I offended a dear friend and they pulled out of my life without warning. I don't even know what I said or did, but they cut me off as though I were already dead. I just do not understand life sometimes...I try so hard never to offend or hurt. I sincerely try to love those around me. What is it that I do so wrong? Oh well....another one bites the dust!

Conference

Ol' Scratch tried really hard to keep us from conference this time. We woke up Saturday to three inches of new, wet snow and so our satellite didn't work. Same with Sunday morning. We got dressed up both days and headed for the Stake Center. Time was when we had to go three times as far for every conference. We would pack a lunch and either eat in the car or out by the gazebo in between sessions. Life has gotten so easy, that now we just roll out of bed and curl up by the TV. We did enjoy it, though, and it was sort of nice to go to the building and be there, especially for the Solemn Assembly and setting apart of the Prophet and 1st Presidency.
We also had a little misunderstanding here. Gary thought he had a date for the priesthood session and waited until 5 minutes before it was to start to realize they were not coming. He had been in his shirt and tie all day, and he really wanted to go. It was very sad for me when he got in his sweats and went out to his shop.

Now, some of you are thinking, "Why didn't he just go by himself?" You have to know how hard it is for him to do that. Someday, I am sure he will be able to, but it took him 28 years to be active in the church, and there are so many things that are just difficult for him to do by himself. I think of the Prophets telling us that everyone needs a friend. I broke down and just sobbed for him after he went outside.I worry what will happen to him when I am gone. He has been such an incredible companion to me through all of my cancer problems, has taken a calling lately and really did a good job, and is always giving to those around him. Well, it is over and I just need to forgive and move on. Maybe next conference. One of my son's, when he found out what had happened, promised that it would never happen again. In defense of the perpetrator, his life is extremely busy, and he was serving his own son by taking him to conference and then out to dinner, and apparently just forgot.

I went to the see my doctor yesterday. She took me off chemo, as it has split both of my feet so bad I can hardly walk, plus it is making my toenails fall off. I want to go to April's next week but now I am not sure if I can go or not. I am going to call Joni and ask her about having the nails surgically removed today or tomorrow, but I don't know how painful that will be or for how long. The cracks were doing much better yesterday, but I decided to finish up the painting in the bathroom and I think I was on my feet too long, because they hurt like heck this morning. On the bright side, my tumor markers are still down and my body is still responding well to treatment for the most part. I get to be off everything for about a month...all the chemo stuff, so I am really looking forward to feeling better. Thanks for being a sounding board...it really helps to be able to talk things out sometimes.

Publishing time

Can someone tell me how i can get this blog published so that i can close it out?

Painting

Only this time it is my bathroom. Trust me...it is much easier to pick up a brush and paint a tree!! The bathroom has close to 20 feet ceilings in the skylight. We have had to borrow ladders, Bryon and Taylor just to get that part done. I thought I'd be real brave today and start getting all the corners , and after about 10 minutes, I was just wiped out. If I kick this cancer, and I feel that I might, I wonder if I will ever gain any of my strength back??? Anyway I am doing the bathroom in 3 tones of blue....and then it is on to my bedroom. I want to at least have the bathroom done before I head for SLC the middle of the month. We are changing out the fixtures and making it a huge project....but it has been 15 years since we have done anything in there. Ticket prices to SLC and back are really good right now and little JU JU is growing so fast....trying to catch up with her big sister....I just don't want to miss any of it!!!

I have 3 1/2 days left on this chemo, and I can not tell you how happy that makes me. All I want to do is sleep and cry. The Doc said if the markers are still down, that she'd give me a months break. I have decided that if they are back up, I am done, so we will see. I got a phone call from Barbara and another one from Linda, and yet another one from Valjean. It has been wonderful to hear from my family so much.

I think spring is finally trying to break through. I will need to hire help with the planting, but I am so excited that I lived another year to get petunias in the ground. April wants to plant flowers , and Linda knows a lot about them. She said she would go help April. Well not much else is new around here...I just think it is important to keep planning and doing. Joette is house-sitting a mansion that overlooks the Hayden/Dalton area and she had me come up last night. She made me a gourmet Indian dinner and we watched "August Rush". It was wonderful, and I had the best time. I might sneak back up there and take a shower in their incredible 4 or 5 head shower. I recommend "Enchantment', August Rush, the Martian Child, and 'Simon Birch" for you home video addicts. Great flicks! Have a good week!!!

Focus on what we can do and not on what we can't

A friend sent me this. Please watch and enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LnLVRQCjh8c

I had good news this week.My tumor markers are down to 24. That is the lowest that they have been since I got cancer. I will stay on the chemo for a couple of more rounds and then see where we go from there. I am cautiously optimistic. Last week I had bad headaches and felt pretty sick, but I think now it was just a flu bug of some kind.

My sister, Linda, had my daughter and her family over for Easter dinner, which made me so happy.I have had blessings from so many people, and truely I do not know where to start to pay them back. I am so thankful that Linda is so close to April and living in Ogden.. I have decided to keep looking for ways to serve in the best way I can. If these two kids can dance like they did, then certainly I can find a spot somewhere to do some good, and lift a life...maybe share some joy!! I can finish my granddaughters Easter dresses....they will only be a week or so late...but when all the other girls have shown off their new dresses, my granddaughters will have the latest new dresses! hahahaha!!!! I have made up my mind to do the most I can and not beat up myself for not doing everything I once could!

Spring is almost here and I am going to get to plant flowers again...I am sooooo excited!!

Mozart?

Chay and his dad drove all the way from SLC this weekend to pick up the piano that Keith inherited when he sold a house last month. April has wanted one for quite sometime. I told her how I got mine...by praying for one. We could not afford one at that time, and Gary's mom went to the Methodist Church minister in CDA and asked him about the piano she had give to the church 30 years earlier. The minister told her that if she could find the piano in the building, that she could have it back. She did, and to make a long story short, paid to have the insides restored and the ivory keys fixed and I redid the wood...and presto...we had a beautiful piano that my children played on growing up. Technically, our piano is Keith's and someday he will get it
as it was a birthday gift to him from grandma Tomblin. Joette fills our home with music on occasion and I just love it and although April will need need a little brush up practicing, she really does have loads of expression in her music It is a darling piano, and our prayers were answered again. I hope she thanks the source.

This weekend was "Time Out" for women and it was fabulous...especially Michael Mclain. he had several new songs and all of my favorites...and they seemed to strike me with an even greater impact than ever before. I do feel "Alone" and in need of a "Coming Light" more than ever before in my days since Cancer. Jeannie took me, and took care of me. What a terrific woman she is. I have never known anyone who serves so unselfishly. Jeannie...I Love You!!!
Take time to pray where you might serve today. One of my young woman, Lexie, wrote a poem that she dedicated to me and gave it to me, beautifully framed, at church this morning. It is so well written, and she is so talented. I wish I was as good as it made me sound.
God bless each of you...and thank you for your prayers that continue to sustain me!!!

Babies in Orlando

Gamma Knife

Last Wednesday I had my Gamma Knife treatment. The neurosurgeon in charge was looking to find at least 3 tumors in my brain, but after all the testing, he could only find one small one. He told me that they usually find more tumors instead of less. So I am thankful once again for all of your prayers! It was a rather gruesome procedure, but I took Sherry with me and we managed to have a great day. I have felt a little tired since the ordeal, but that was to be expected.I am sending you some pictures and a short movie of me trying to eat with the contraption they use in the procedure bolted to my head. Have a good laugh!!!

Orlando

We are home from our fabulous trip. Thanks to all of you who prayed, I had a ton of energy and so much fun the entire trip i want to refer you to April's Blog. Her description of all of it is so much better than I could have ever written:

http://chasingchaypril.blogspot.com/

I do want to highlight some special things about the trip. One was when I was in the train with Mckenzie on my lap and I looked forward and saw Bryon rubbing Joette's neck and shoulders with such love and tenderness.(She hurt her back the day before we left for the trip, and he was trying to comfort her.) He had no idea I was watching.

Another favorite was taking Mckenzie and AJ on my scooter and having them fall asleep in my arms.

Keith aways rubbing my neck or hugging me and asking me how I was doing.

And on the last night,just as I was going to bed...utterly exhausted and teary eyed that is was over...Bryon came into my bedroom and held me and thanked me for such a wonderful time. He also thanked me for being his mother and how proud I should be of the family that I had raised. We both cried. I told him what a great man he was...with so much love and compassion for those around him. He denied it...but it is so true.

And so these are the things about Orlando I will remember...How April, suffering from an MS episode stayed home the last night and helped clean up the house...her service to me. Joette helping to take care of the babies and being Taylors friend...Chay growing closer to Keith and Bryon. Dad growing closer to all of the kids. Mckenzie flirting with Taylor and Isaac...she just loved them. So many simple things touched my heart and I am so glad we spent the money and went. Gary and I am planning another trip soon to Radium Hot Springs and looking forward to the serenity of the Canadian Rockies. A friend just reminded me to make choices to LIVE. I am going to remind each of you. Life is short...fill it with family and service.

I started Chemo the day we got back and am having the gamma knife treatment this week. So this has been a rough week...but a dear friend is coming over to spend tomorrow with me as I go through this

Lists

I am not sure what I want to say or even how to say it. I am afraid that no matter what I say tonight it will judged a pity trip, especially by those least qualified to judge, and that is not what is intended here.

At least once a week I do have a mental melt down and life just gets hard. Tonight I got left off a list...sort of like I was already dead and I cannot believe how much it hurt me. You see, I have had this friend for at least twelve years or more and I considered her one of my dearest treasures...but ever since I got cancer, and the docs said it was fatal, she has slowly cut me out of her life. She does not call me, so I call her. She does not come to see me, so I go see her. A different friend asked me the other day to share with her what cancer has taught me....and I told her I didn't realize before I had cancer what a lonely disease it was. I told her not to be afraid of someone because they are dyeing because we all are. Now I am not sure if this is why I have been cut out of my friends life. Maybe I hurt her feelings and didn't know it. Maybe I said or did something that she felt was below me or below her. Maybe I hurt one of her children. I just know the special relationship we had is gone and it makes my heart sad.

A little over two years ago, I found out that Mary...down the hill from me, had her cancer come back. Mine was still in remission at the time. I went to see her a few times and she brought me a little house for my collection. On the day I found out my cancer was back I went to see her and when I knocked on her door, her husband told me to leave them alone, that they had just been told that there was nothing more that they could do for her and had given her 3 months to live.

I never went back to see her. I was afraid her husband would be angry with me or that her two big dogs might chase me up the hill, and I would not be able to move fast enough to get away from them. But I could have driven down to her house, or called her, or I could have told her husband where to go and that I was visiting her rather he liked it or not...but I didn't and she died. I didn't go because I didn't know what I could say to her.

I went to her funeral but it seemed like a hollow offering. Anyway...people, young and old, rich or poor, sick or well all need the same thing. They need to know they are of worth. Sometimes , my daughter, Joette, just rubs my feet and legs and says nothing. But it feels so good and is such a Christlike gesture that I weep knowing how much she cares.

I know of another woman who died this year of cancer. I have been told that she was the most upbeat person, and never once complained. Maybe that is my problem....I talk about cancer openly. I try not to whine, but if people ask, I explain where I am in the disease. And in the darkness of night...like now...when I am awake with all my concerns about my family and the hereafter....hoping I have been valiant enough...I do cry...and I don't think I am full of self pity. I think any normal person would cry. Most of my tears are me calling out to God to just be with me for one more night. And usually by the next day, I have felt His loving arms around me and I am back trying to accomplish something of worth...trying to live! When I am talking to a friend who I know really cares, sometimes I cry. (I can still laugh my head off, too though...and sometimes I do both in the same sentence).

I am mostly just talking to myself this night...I just wish I knew what happened to my friend. A really wonderful thing happened today, though....my sister, Barbara, called to thank me for coming to see her. It was just a short visit, but I am so glad I went. You see, I love her. I cannot do much, but I found a way to do that. Look at your list. Have you filled your life with so much unnecessary stuff that you've crowded someone who once was important out ? I did that to Mary, and I feel the regret every day. Just last week, Gary kept saying he should go see Ray, an old friend of his. Ray died Tuesday. Gary never made it over to see him. Thank you God for my life and all that I have learned and am learning. I feel better now..and I will feel even better after I have knelt in prayer and made sure You are at the top of my list!

The Birds

I am sitting here working on my life history...the sun is shining and the birds are chirping...even though we have at least two feet of snow on the ground. It really is a beautiful day.

Thank you, Father

It is late, but I really felt I needed to share my thoughts tonight. We had a family council and dinner tonight about the trip. It was mostly just a lot of fun ruckus, but we were all happy to be going. We were also very grateful that April has taken it on herself to be in charge of getting the food together and seeing that everyone has a chance to help out with meals. Thanks, April. Even though you are far away, we felt your influence and desire to help and we are really looking forward for our family trip.

I also want to bare my testimony again about the power of prayer. I was really bummed yesterday...I fell the day before and I had so much pain...anyway, I was not very pleasant to be around all day long. Then I read the lesson I had to teach the Laurels today, and forgive me, I got so blasted mad,I just lost it. The lesson was on bringing spirituality in your home by improving your environment and your spirituality. Here I am in the middle of a physical and mental breakdown and I have to teach WHAT?????

I said to God, "How can you ask me to teach something that I am so far away from right now?" I cried and cried and then read the lesson again, only this time I read another article that spoke about the influence a spiritual home can have on the entire family and the world around us. I decided to go to bed and face this struggle this morning. I could not sleep. I had so much pain.

Finally I woke up Gary and asked for a blessing. He got out of bed and walked around to my side of the bed with the light still off and gave me the sweetest blessing. I was promised a good night sleep and that my pain would let up. He did not know about my struggle with giving this lesson today, but he blessed me that all would go well with my lesson and that the spirit would be with me as I taught. When I got up this morning, as part of the lesson I was supposed to call a girl and ask her to bring something that represented spirituality in her home. A lot of the girls were gone today because there was a mission farewell in another ward. So, I thought (Oh me of such little faith...) Good, there won't be too many girls in my class, so if I blow this terribly, at least some of the girls will be spared.

Well, Heavenly father stepped in. I just decided to tell the girls that I was not doing to well in this area of my life right now and we all talked of how we could do better. And then I asked the girl who I had asked to bring something spiritual from her home to share with the rest of us what she had brought from her home. Now, her mom attends my class sometimes, and was in our class today, so I didn't think much of it...but the girl said, "I brought my mom. She is everything good and wonderful about our home, and even though she is going through a really difficult time right now, she tries to be as happy as she can be." The spirit was so sweet...her mom started to cry, because she did not know why she was there. She has had so many struggles in her life that it breaks my heart!!!

Okay, now for the point. I was able to teach the lesson...the spirit guided me through everything that I was to say. It was a sweet lesson, but more importantly I knew that just because I was having a rough time right now did not mean it has always been this way in my home. I realized that Heavenly Father loves me and wants me to succeed in my calling as well as in being a wife, mother and grandmother. I also realized that many have been in our home and have felt the spirit. I just love the way Heavenly Father loves and understands me. I screw up so often...and yet He still cares. I am still His child. The day finished out with our family get together and a wonderful family prayer. Thank you, Father, for loving me.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

This has been a full week. It was hard to hear of President Gordon B. Hinckley's passing, but wonderful to know he is back home with those that love him best. His funeral was so touching, and I was reflecting on my life and comparing it to this giant of a man's life and felt like I have accomplished nothing. But a dear friend of mine pointed out to me that I did not have his mantle. That my mantle has been to raise 4 beautiful children in the church...all with testimonies of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. I thought about that some more, and how I haven't had the best of health or the strength I would have desired to have in my lifetime. I am not complaining, though. For all the struggles I have gone through, great lessons have followed and much love from Heavenly Father and dear friends.

The one thing I am learning in all of this is to trust the Priesthood. I know there are those of you out there who think sometimes we over due the priesthood and abuse it by asking for too many blessings. I wonder what they pioneers did when they did not have pain medicine or Doctors they could call?

I will admit, it is hard to bother the brethren when I am in pain or so discouraged I just don't think I can make it another day, but in every blessing I have had I have been told by Heavenly Father that He is glad I asked for this blessing, and that he desires to give me the help I so desperately need at the time. I have so often regained badly needed strength and courage to go on....and peace' beautiful, peaceful sleep.

I must tell those of you who have brought in meals and taken us to dinner, or brought in dinners this past week or so just how thankful I am for you and all the other millions of things you have done. Most of all, thank you for your visits! It is so good to see those I love come so often. I always love your company!!! I only have a few days left of Chemo and then Joni is going to take me off of it so that We can have an enjoyable trip. I wish you could all come!!!

I have learned again this week that if I pray and ask for help to accomplish all the things I want to do, that Heavenly Father really does help the most important things get done. I love Him and the Savior so much. They truly are my best friends, and want so much to be there for us if we will but ask. Have a great week!!!

AJ In the Snow

Doesn't she look like she is having a ball? I'm sure she is going to statrt screaming any minute!!! I actually have some where she looks like she is enjoying the snow...but i cannot figure out how to put them on my blog. Awe...technology!